Mind/Matter

It's been over a week, so at some point, I've just got to decide to move on and stop thinking about it. Thanks to everyone for listening and for advice - I really appreciate both. Though for now I don't have plans to fly out, I'll keep you guys posted if that changes. I'm done being mad, frustrated, confused, hurted, disappointed. Just a little sad, but very, very grateful to have so many fantastic people in my life.

LSAT
Test on Saturday. AH!! Actually, I'm not really that worked up about it. Maybe I'm just been otherwise preoccupied, or just have written a bunch of standardized tests, or just don't really think I'll get into a law program. Anyway, whatever is suppose to happen, will happen.

Chapters
I really had no idea how much work goes into running such a seemingly relaxed place. I really like it though. I learned how to set up a display table today. Obviously, it's not rocket science. But it's really fun. I also got to decorate a wall/shelf with Halloweeny kids stuff. Feeling a little spooky? I'm going help run a Halloween program there too, on the Friday before.

G1
My cousin just got his G1, and so I took him driving around the neighbourhood when he got home from school. He is not bad at all, and surprisingly careful for a 16 year old guy. We even did traffic lights and a three point turn =)

For Fun

Michelle Kai was a Sweet Rocket Scientist in a past life. Discover your past lives @ Quiz Me

who would have thought?

Discover your Zodiac Personality @ Quiz Me

It's all gone to hell

What do you do when someone tells you that they have a brain disease, don't know how long they are going to live, but is refusing treatment , and want nothing to do with you, all because they love you? Do you respect what they want and wish them well, or do you keep banging your head against the brick wall of their resolve? And what if after a shouting match over the phone, they email to say they will always love you not even an hour after you say the worst goodbye in your life? What if they follow up with a text message that says that they love you and miss you at 3am in the morning?

Do you walk away to save your own sanity, and then wonder the rest of your life if there was more that you could have done? Do you fly out to try to sort this out, even though they expressedly said no? How do you keep from feeling angry, even though you know they are just trying to make you mad to get you to go away? How do you keep from feeling infinite sadness that there is nothing you can do for them? How do you convince them that they are worth loving, when they hate themself? How do you keep yourself from feeling guilty for wondering if any of what they said was true? Is it any wonder that you are now convinced that this summer was just a dream?

they say on the radio

that it's the last day of summer.

And this summer romance isn't looking too good...

Simple Life

no, not the show. I just had a revelation today. Well, more like a self-actualization, or whatever. It was my second day working at Chapters (I'm in the children's department). I really wanted a job that was going to be completely different from, you know, writing my thesis, so I thought this will be an ideal fit. And it is - I really enjoyed today. But the trouble is, I think I am completely seduced by the simplicity of it. I can't believe that I can get money from shelving books, and helping customers run title/author searches. It just seemed too simple. (I know some of this is going to sound very elitist and snobbish, and I apologize). I totally don't know why I am slaving away, writing papers that I don't care about. I've always thought that I wanted a job that will be challenging, mentally engaging, and even stressful. But you know what? I'm perfectly happy selling books. Really. I mean, I guess I would get tired of it after a while. But right now, I am so tempted to give up school and just work. Everyday, someone telling me what to do, no original thought required, sound so good. I know I'm a slack student, but really, maybe I'm just not cut out for grad school. I wish I wasn't smart enough to get by without really trying. If I'm just a little smarter, maybe it wouldn't be so hard. If I'm just a little dumber, I wouldn't delude myself into applying for a Ph.D. program next year. Maybe I'm just trying too hard to make something work, that wasn't meant to. Which brings me to my next topic:

boy
I've never really been in a relationship that's not long-distance, so I guess I really have no basis for comparison. But really, is it just naive for me to think that something can work out base on knowing someone in the totally contrived environment of camp for two months? It's not that my feelings have changed. Everything that's worth doing should require work, so why should a relationship be any different, right?


I'm just so tired. I just wish everything was a little easier. I'm not a whiner, or quitter, and I know I'll see this year through no matter what. I just wish I can get a glimpse of where I will be this time next year, to give me a little more courage to carry on tomorrow.

Sparrow of my Nap

Okay, most of you know that I am blind as a bat without my glasses/contact lenses, right? So today, around 3pm, I decided to take a nap, 'cuz I was out late last night, and early this morning. Actually, my eyelids decided to take a nap - I didn't have much say in it. Anyway, I was sleeping on my bed in the basement, and I thought I heard the flapping of ... something. I was still tired, and more than half asleep, so the best course of action was, of course, to just ignore it and return to blissful oblivion. Nap was again interrrupted. Same course of action followed. This happened around 3-4 times until I actually opened my eyes, and saw wings. WINGS?! I forced my eyes open, snatched my glasses, and peered around. Nothing. I used my desk lamp as a flashlight and looked around some more, semi-sleuthly. Still nothing. Just as I was about to return to sleep, fluttering ensued. Okay, so I got up finally. And there it was - a little brown sparrow, with no business being in anyone's basement, sitting prim as a doll, on the edge of the bed. Luckily I've been advised before on how to capture birds without harming them (you throw a towel on them), so after a few minutes, I was successful in return it to the great expanse of the backyard. I'd bet the little fellow was glad. It sucks living in the basement - I know. Anyway, that was my little adventure with a member of the City Wildlife Basement Inspection Squad. I guess stranger things have happened.

But not to me.

freakin' rain!!

Spent five hours on the 401 today, driving to Kingston and back. Woke up at 6am, left the house at 6:20am, and did not anticipate having to walk in at 9:15am for a 9:00am orientation meeting. The Dean of Graduate Studies was speaking as I walked in too. Plus, there was a two-star general in the room, never mind another whole slew of senior officers. (sigh). I'd bet no one else had to drive in from Toronto though.

On the brighter side, I met the prof who I want to supervise my thesis, and she is really nice. One of my other profs from last year is also the acting chair of the department this year, so that's kinda nice. Two words: Reference Letter!

first years
The frosh looked so young at RMC. Barely older than some of my cadets this summer. Which, come to think of it, is probably true. They are all around the same age. Am I getting old?! Even the upper year taking them around looked young.

frosh reps
The rain was washing the paint off the Queens' reps jumpsuits. How sad is that? Having planned a frosh week, I know how much work goes into it, and how much you pray for good weather. Freakin' tornado - go away!

Fresh Start

Good luck to everyone starting school tomorrow, or some time this week. September has always been my favourite month (yes, I'm a nerd). But really, no tests, no papers due, fresh pencils and new teachers to impress. =)

Everything seems possible, and life is good.

Getting to Okay

To anyone who might have been wondering about the last two posts, things have definitely turned a corner. So it's, like the title suggests, 'getting to okay'. Don't really want to dwell on it, so it's not something I really want to talk about right now. Eventually though, I'll tell the story to anyone interested.

no, not me
I can't believe it, but I am going to be one of those Math Teachers at Chinese School that kids love to hate so much. Yup, that's right. For the next year, you will find me teaching a bunch of Chinese kids mathematics on Saturday mornings from 9am-10am. My way of, uh, giving back to the Chinese community. Yeah, sure, whatever. It is a paid position though, so I guess I shouldn't complain.

cadets
Going back to the squadron where spent five years growing up as a kid, and left five years ago. Working there as an officer now is going to be interesting, to say the least.

Hope everyone is enjoying their long weekend. Or, as I'd like to call it, the calm before the storm. ;)

life

I never realized what I can do...

until I had to do it.

last night/this morning

a really, really bad night...