Christmas tree

"I haven't put up a Christmas tree since the year my father died." and my heart broke a little. That was 15 years ago, that his dad died. How does one live without a Christmas tree for so long?

This past weekend was home reno/deco madness. In preparation for his bar admission this Friday, we had to make our new place afterparty-ready. So it was a a flurry of lights, furniture, stockings, liquor, etc shopping for the past two day, post-blizzard with 20cm of snow on the ground. Fun.

Moving is stressful, but we've been managing pretty well. I love having our own place. And from now on, we are going to have a Christmas tree every year.

I am starting to feeling like I sort of know what I am doing at work. I had an exceptionally productive week, and I feel that I can do this. Maybe.

Moving into the new place in 2 weeks. I am so excited to have a place to call 'home' after so many years of nomadic life. I haven't lived in a non-rental residence/apartment/camp for more than 10 years. It will be nice to 'settle down', so to speak.

One year anniversary coming up, and I am whisking him off on a secret weekend getaway. His bar call will be in December, and then I will officially be dating a lawyer =) Planning to spend our Christmas in the new house; maybe go away in Feb/Mar instead, when we really need to get away from the cold.

My cousin is coming to visit me in Feb with his wife and new baby.

There is so much to look forward to, and life is wonderful.

Thanksgiving

Just returned from a whirlwind trip to Toronto. Left Wed night, arrived at midnight, mom picked me up from the airport. Then spent Thursday packing all the stuff that I will be shipping to Edmonton. Met my cousin's new baby, Anderson, and he slept in my arms for 40 minutes. Of course I didn't move my arms for the entire duration, for fear of awaking him up. Met bf's brothers. Friday morning, dropped off all the to-be-shipped stuff at the moving company's, drove into McMaster to pick up my cousin to be home for the long weekend. Then, to Mississauga to attend Tasneem's mehendi ceremony, in which I got a little henna done too. Dim sum Saturday morning, a bit of shopping, and then to Taz and Jim's wedding banquet. It was just perfect. The speeches were sweet, funny and time limited. There was a kissing game in which guests have to demonstrate how they would like the couple to kiss, and one pair of guest turned that into a Bollywood short. It was also a reunion of sorts of all the Mac people I haven't seen since graduation, six years ago. I can't believe it's been six years. Church on Sunday at St. James' Cathedral downtown, and then two Thanksgiving dinner. Flew back this morning.

There was a moment, as we stepped into the cathedral, when I realized that I could go to the ends of the earth with him. It was a shocking realization, but beautifully so. But then it also hit me how very much I miss Toronto. So I am terrified now that the day will come when I will have to make that choice: to be with him here or to be with my family there. He is adamant that he will not move back to Toronto. It's like playing the biggest game of chicken.

But for now, we have bought a townhouse that we are moving into just one month. I've booked plane tickets for a surprise weekend getaway for our one year anniversary weekend. It's snowing in Edmonton but things are good; very good. I will let tomorrow worry about itself, if I can just stop feeling homesick. But for a family that I miss, a man that I love, and a job that I enjoy, I am thankful.

This is My Life

I have been a lawyer for just a little over a month now. It is very stressful, and most of the time I don't know what I am doing, but I do feel like I have the means to figure it out, at the very least a sincere desire to do my best. I intend to be very good at this. I just need to learn how.

I will be moving again soon (in Edmonton), but I am thrilled about it. I want all the details to be confirmed before making the big announcement. Stay tuned. =)

Life is good.

Love the One You are With

All this defies reason, explanation, or rationalization.

now it starts

I am gripped by a paralyzing fear about returning to work tomorrow. I have been called to the Alberta bar, a real barrister & solicitor of the province. Now, I just have to concentrate on not screwing up.

It's terrifying.

one more day

I can't wait

disappointed

Less than a week, and it is all happening. I have heard the Bar Call compared to a wedding, and now I can see why. The stress and drama has reach epic proportions. Remember how my dad was deported? And we were all waiting for see if he can get a transit travel visa? Well, he got it, and has chosen not to come.

Why he couldn't just lie and say that he didn't get the visa, I do not know. I only know how much this feels like a slap on the face. I never thought I would understand him, or how my mom turns this into a lecture of telling me to 'grow up, and let go' of that relationship. I want to believe that he still cares, that he must, that I'm his daughter despite everything. But every shred of hope he seems determined to destroy.

So at this point, my mom is the only one coming, while the support from my friends have been incredible and touching. I guess I did the right thing banking on my friendships rather than trying to cultivate relationships with my family.

It's suppose to be a happy day, but I am so sad.

My Bike Now has a Basket

I know it makes little sense, but as I was riding my bike last week, I was inexplicably delighted that my bike now has a basket. It just seems to be a sort of small wish that came true that makes things so much better. I got a bike a year ago when I moved to Edmonton, and I wanted a basket for it to carry, primarily, groceries, as my car had not been shipped out here yet then. A wicker type basket was what I imagined. But then the car came, and winter came, and the bike was readily forgotten. In the business of the everyday, those small things that could have brought so much pleasure are soon forgotten. But summer comes almost unexpectedly quickly, dogging the heels of spring. And one day you find yourself in a bike shop filling up the tires again, and the coolest basket appears in front of you. It’s black, metallic and detachable, none of what you imagined, but exactly what you need. And you wonder why you ever waited so long.

First Summer Days

Last Saturday was the firm's charity baseball tournament. I attended last year as the newest member of the firm, and this year it already feels like home. Although I didn't play, I had a great time being a quasi-babysitter to everyone's kids. It was a gorgeous summer day, and I only got a little sunburnt. ;) Summer in this city; there's nothing quite like it!

countdown - 7 weeks

7 weeks! In 7 weeks I am going to be a real lawyer! I was preparing my paperwork for the Law Society today, and it's really starting to sink in. I can't wait. Come party with me! =)

deported

Tomorrow the new articling student starts at our firm. So, unofficially, I guess I'm done my year. Things are pretty much lined up for the bar admission, as long as I can make it successfully through this week.

Duncan bought me a really pretty dress last week, for the ceremony. Pretty excited about that. However, also 'exciting' is that my father was deported on the final leg of his journey in a Minneapolis stopover, because he didn't have a transit visa. Just great. In his words, after travelling 25000km in 48 hours, he isn't sure whether he'd want to do the trip again in a hurry. I was apprehensive about him coming, but trust me, him not making it here at all is infinitely worse.

Victoria Day Long Weekend!

I moved to Edmonton a year ago!  So technically I should be done articling now, but with scheduling delays, everyone's schedules, etc, etc, my bar admission won't be til the end of July.  Which is okay.  A slight towards the inevitable taking on of real professional responsbility.  =P 

So what's new?  Oh, yeah.  My dad is coming to my bar admission.  I haven't see him in 6 years.  I hope it doesn't turn into a disaster.  I can certainly see the dangers as well as the potential of him being in Toronto for 3 months with my mom.  Stay tuned for the crazies.  

missing

I miss him.  There, I said it.  Now can he come home? 

I know this is insane.  I left Toronto Monday night, but haven't seen him since Sunday, and now it's Saturday, so it's been a week.  He is coming back Tuesday.  That's only 3 days away. Why am I being such a baby about this?  

Granted, we have not been apart for more than 3 days since we started dating, so a week seems like a very long time indeed.  On the one hand it's nice to miss someone so much, and realize how much of my life involves him now, so that having 'free time' to myself; I don't even know what to do with it, really.  There are so many fun things to do now that the weather is turning nice and spring is peeking out, but it's just not the same without him.  

On the other hand, this feeling is terrifying me.  Nothing is forever, and for sure no one should be hanging their hats on a 4 month relationship to provide happiness for everything.  I don't like the feeling of dependence, and as sweet as this feeling is reflective of perhaps a deeper bond than I have experienced before, the surrendering of control freaks me out.  To the point that I may be convincing myself that I like being alone better, so I can shut off that vulnerability.  

I am so messed up.  

Pre-Dawn Madness

I am about to leave for the airport.  I haven't been home in 5 months, which is the longest stretch ever.  I am so excited that I have been tossing and turning all night, despite anticipating this and not even attempting to go to bed before midnight.  At 9pm last night, I went on a random mission to a 24-hour Wal-Mart, and bought Eli Stone finally, and storage drawers.  I did not know that there was a 24-hour W-M within 30 mins driving distance from me.  It was incredible.  The hum of the place has an airport-like feel to it.  The staff are dazed, the shoppers frantic to buy ridiculous products that can in no way be an emergency.  It was surreal. 

So boyfriend left for Toronto 3 days ago, and will be picking me up at the airport, and meeting the family shortly after that.  Should be wonderful (I think.  I hope).  Okay, I am leaving now.  =) 

I did it!

It's official.  My firm made me an offer to stay on as a first year associate for next year, and I've accepted.  It's going to be great! =) 

Slides and Science

Julie came to deadly Edmonton to visit me!  We journeyed to the depths of the Telus World of Science, as well as the heights of the West Edmonton Mall Waterpark.  It was excellent.   

Also, we had a Spring Equinox Party, in which decision making devolved into a spin the egg method.  You can imagine what kind of fun was had by all.  =)

What will Spring Bring?

March 1st?!  To say that February flew by would be an understatement.  March now.  Already.  Technically only 3 months left of my articles, but officially it'll be more like 4-5.  Oh well, bureacracy. 

February has been wonderful.  Stressful, but lovely.  It's the kinda of inevitability and resignation that comes from realizing that absolutely everything is out of my hands.  Or rather, the series of contingencies and eventualities that I have set up of my life is all based on the work decision.  And right now, that's out of my hands.  It's kinda freeing to accept that. 

I wouldn't make a decision on my relationship, because I know that I have to go where I can get a job, and if that's not here, then I will have to walk away once again.  That kinda stress can't be good in a budding relationship, but that's where I am now, and that's the way it goes.  

I miss my family, but I still have not learnt how to actually co-exist in proximity with them, so maybe it's for the best that I don't return to Toronto. 

I've had a little love affair with Vancouver since summer 2005, and I hope to make it a full blown relationship one day, so there is that in the balance.  I also have a little thing for Calgary.  Yes, I am very fickle.  =) 

Come what may, I'll always treasure these days.

love locked down

I heard the song for the first time two days ago.  Admittedly I am not on the cutting edge of pop culture.  Went to Vancouver once again, for Valentine's Day weekend, with a boyfriend no less.  The city never disappoints, and I am reminded why I love it so much again.  Just Stanley Park alone is breathtaking, and combined with an evening with the symphony, sushi, and being in love, what more can a girl want? 

I remember last time I was in Van, October 2005, and I saw this small pink gem frog, and I didn't get it.  This time I went back to look for it, and very nearly couldn't find it again.  Actually, I only found it after buying a bigger, purple one.  I like both, a lot, but it seems like a lesson in waiting for what I really want.  Probably reading too much into frogs.  

I am just a handful of months away from completing my articles.  What's next?  

p.s. I thought 'love locked down' means 'love guaranteed'.  Upon a more careful listen of the lyrics, I think not.  

Strategically Speaking

In relationships, I can let most things go, for the sake of 'love'.  But when I decide to fight, it's, well, take no prisoners.  I guess it was our first real fight yesterday, in a manner of speaking.  Things have been boiling for a bit, and it just all came to a head yesterday, as in the I had go out for a walk (which ended up longer than I intended, because I got lost a little).  To his credit, he called me on my inability to resolve conflicts when we talked calmly and productively afterwards.  And it's true, I realize that I really don't know how to work through things besides pretending it doesn't matter, or putting an expiry date on the relationship.  

For example, how do you decide what are you are doing for the weekend?  Before the options were: r) try not to kill yourself, j) nothing, lethargy is policy.  Okay, I exaggerate, perhaps a little, but how do you work through everyday life?  I have no idea.  

Maybe the difficulty is that this relationship feels even more fantastical than a camp relationship.  The closest I can analogize is that it is like finding someone in a war zone.  I am constantly sleep deprived, malnourmished, overworked and cut off from family and friends.  So of course someone who offers comfort and a measure of belonging to play house with is welcomed.  But when I am considering not returning home, but rather remaining in the warzone to fight the good fight, all of a sudden I want the relationship to be perfect, since at least (a very large) part of the reason for considering to stay would be for him.  Of course that's not fair to him, but nothing's fair in love and war, right?  Why am I so confused? 

The Heart of the Matter

Every time I want to say I’m homesick, I am struck by the realization that I don’t actually know what that means.  I miss something that I barely remember having.  Not that I don’t have a family, of course I do.  But that elusive feeling of belonging; I have not been able to grasp.

 

8 months into my articles, it’s time to consider what’s next again.  I like my firm, but I had no intentions of staying in Edmonton beyond this year.  As that now changed?  Maybe, maybe not.  There is a man, that I clearly like, love even, who has made it very clear that he will not move back east.  Do I not owe him the same honesty to say that I want to go home, if Toronto is still home, even if it might not be for a few years?

 

What I keep feeling is that I am missing out on everything that’s happening in Toronto, to my family and my oldest friends.  Engagements, weddings, babies, and all the little announcements and special events that I no doubt didn’t even hear about…  it’s all happening and life’s going on.  Yes, I have my own life here, that I am fairly content with, but still.  It didn’t help to not go home for Christmas, and now it’s Chinese New Year.  When will I finally feel that I’m where I’m suppose to be? 

Am I Allergic to Happiness or Normality?

Give the resource, time and inclination, I could probably have turned out to be an arsonist or pyromaniac, because I sure like to destroy things in my life, especially when they are going well.  

Is it a fear of attachment, so that I need to pretend I can live without it, in order to not feel vulnerable being attached to it?  Is there any reason to believe I can ever achieve that 'normal life'?  

The Time has Come to Set Aside Childish Things

Let us embrace the challenges and promises of tomorrow together.

The church had a birthday cake for all the January birthdays today, so a week after my actual birthday, I am still celebrating.  It's great!  One of the other birthday person closed his eyes briefly, and I realized that I have forgotten to make a birthday wish this year!  Luckily I have another cake waiting for me at work tomorrow, so there is still a chance to salvage this.  I know that you are not suppose to say the wish out loud, or it won't come true, but let's just, hypothesize, shall we? 

What would I wish for in my 27th year?  As far as I know, I have my health, though it might kill me to actually participate in any sort of prolonged physical activities.  Despite the worry about hirebacks and my future beyond the next 6 months after articling is completed, I love my work and hope it will continue.  My relationship with everyone in my family (except my father) is excellent, by virtue of the distance between us.  And I've got a boyfriend that hasn't stopped making me grin yet.  

So hopefully I'm not jinxing the year, but I am at the rare, exactly where I want to be spot in my life at the moment.  =) 

Happy 2009!

What did you do with your extra second of 2008?