Pardon me?

It seems like a joke, and a cruel one at that.  The second son of two lawyers is considered speech delayed.  Severe enough that he qualifies for government funding for therapy. That unsettling doubt was planted a year ago perhaps, but between an eloquent and loquacious older brother, and a imminent arrival of a little sister, his parents let it slide. They took away his soother and hoped for the best. They told themselves that children are different and they swore they would never compare them unfairly. They chalked it up to him having a hard time adjusting to the new baby. They pray that they had not failed so spectacularly because they chose to have careers. There is always enough blame to go around, and they struggle with how much they put on themselves, and how much they should actually believe in the conclusions of a 60 minutes assessment. The older brother is already dismissively calling it all gibberish. How will this further the already strained relationship as of late between the brothers?  As a parent you worry about a million things, and it turns out you didn't worry enough.

A heart full of love

Cast my first vote in a new city yesterday, 2 sons and husband in tow.  When did my life get so full?  I love and I live as I try to breathe through the sleepless nights and bustling days.  Could it be merely 5 years since I was a student living that carefree life?  Did I have an inkling that I would feel like I have everything I've ever wanted in a few short years?  What will another 5 years bring?

A second child.  You fear that your love for your first will change, and of course it does.  But it does not lessen.  My heart is so full, for a boy with scraped knees and a baby with trusting eyes.  We've come so far, got so far to go.

Good wife, good mother

In a simpler time, perhaps one is simply equivalent to the other. I doubt it though.  I think the tension between being a good companion and a good parent has always existed, and the best you can hope for is a spouse that makes both possible instead of a strain.

vision perfect

For someone who has worn glasses since grade six (and that's only because I refused them at grade five), laser eye surgery seems like a miracle. I can't believe how many times a day I spent thinking about when to put on/remove contacts, where my glasses are,  and all those minute details association with corrected vision, until I am struck repeatedly with the realization now that I just need my eyes!  This is not to say those 3 minutes until the blinking lights were not the stuff for sci-fi horror, but the near instantaneous improvement on the quality of my life makes me wonder why I waited so long.  With new eyes I now take stock of my life. 

another day another destiny

Sometimes life just turns on a dime.  Things you wished for, hoped for, prayed for, can fall on your lap in one second, or become what you still want, but would much rather not have just right at this minute.  I am getting restless, and the chance to move again has presented itself.  But my life now is a far cry from the 30-day notice, last month's rent already paid scenario.  Grown up can't just pick up and move.  At least, not responsibly.  That is not to say that this move won't happen, if I can help it.  But it can't happen instantly, and it can't happen without considerable planning and preparing of my whole family.

Thinking seriously about getting laser eye surgery.  Actually went for a consult today.  I have been wearing glasses since this time eons ago, as I was about to start grade 6.  What would life be with perfect vision?

Be careful what you wish for, as they say.

More To Say

It's been a long time, but I find myself drawn back to this.  Life has changed irrevocably since the last post, for the better of course; what else could your first child bring?  From hopes and dreams come little feet running, sly grins and splattered food from the high chair.  I have been in the ranks of the working mom for almost a year now; it gets easier at some point, right?  As sleep overtakes my heavy lids at night though, a final thought drifts through:  if I never get anything else in this life, I would count myself blessed.

my boy

Love at first sight.

Thanksgiving

I surprised my mom on Friday, and she surprised me back yesterday. I am thankful for the tremendous ability of parents to love their children, even if they don't understand them. =)

Engaged!

We got engaged in Oahu, HI on September 10. Sunset on the beach, what more could a girl ask for? =) It was picture perfect as if staged on a movie set. And there were fireworks that night.

Plan is for a Toronto wedding next fall, with an Edmonton reception to fall. Save the date!

Last Day

I finished my last day as a defence lawyer today, as a friend of the court in the afternoon, no less. One week of Honolulu, one week of rest, awaits before 'going to the dark side'. I am emotionally drained from this decision, and so no tear was shed today. I wish I could say that I am excited to be a prosecutor, but mostly I just want the rest right now.

waiting on my world to change

I have about 3 weeks left in my firm. People are asking how I am feeling, and whether I am excited about my new job (starting in about 5 weeks). How do I explain this? How can I be excited about leaving a place that's basically my home for the last 2 years, where I spend 11 hours a day at least, and still, by choice, hang out with the people there after hours? That I don't really feel like I have a choice about leaving, and the situation was made difficult by things beyond my control, but that I still don't hold any ill will over anyone there? That I hope I can go back there some day, but not make that sound pathetic?

There is a new and exciting job waiting for me in September, but I fear that's all it will be - a job. It wouldn't be like this; something that I define my very self by. It just won't be the same.

I have been a lawyer for one year. (more reflections later)

choices

Career-wise, I am at a crossroad. I know that these decisions seem insignificant in retrospect, but always looms larger than life at the time you are trying to pick a path. For the past two years, I am been a criminal defence lawyer. Well, one year as an articling student, and one as a lawyer. Now, due to changes in Legal Aid and internal staffing uncertainty (read: maternity leave), I have been offered a 6 months extension on my previous one year contract. It feels like a 'please find something else' kind of offer, although I understand the position of the firm. So I looked elsewhere, and had two prospects: another defence firm, or the Crown Prosecutor's office.

I have nothing ideologically against working for 'the other side', but what's hard is that I feel like the decision is being forced upon me by circumstances, by the fact that I am a woman and wants to have kids soon, and by the fact that everyone seems to like to think that I'd be a good 'Crown'. In no small part because as a woman and a visible minority, I get the double whammy of PC advantage, especially in Alberta, especially in criminal law, especially in government. So it all seems like a good idea, so why don't I stop trying to do something different and just go?

Working for the government was what I wanted to do after school. I interviewed at countless departments but wasn't offered a job. So now I should be overjoyed, right? So why am I not? Civic service was instilled in me young.

Then on Canada Day, I see hundreds of people waving flags, and I am filled with love for this country. So I know that wherever I end up, I will be contributing to this beautiful place that I am blessed to be living in.

I'm okay

It's been a crazy week, month, season, but I'm okay. My dad is visiting me for a month, and I am sucking up as much fatherly affection as I can from the previous 7 year absent. However we each walk those roads, we have made it to this place, and we can be together, content. It's an incredible feeling. What is the point of dwelling on past disappointments or regrets, when we have tomorrow to live?

My job hangs on a tenuous thread, but that's going to be okay too. Because this is life, and we have to live it, and I don't intend on living it in fear or yesterdays.

Cold Lake

Due to, well, as series of events, I woke up at 6am and drove to Cold Lake for Court this morning. The matter I was dealing with was a bar fight at Legends. Either you get that, or you don't. ;)

In the middle of my submissions in court, the fire alarms went off. Yes, my eloquence actually brought down the house! Well, okay, there was no fire, but we all had to wait outside. The Courthouse is right across the street from the A&W, at the tip of the road that leads to the base. So I stand there in the warm sun, and reflect one how I got there. Twelve (twelve!) years ago, I arrived at Cold Lake for the first time, with no idea where it was, geographically. It didn't occur to me to look it up before leaving for camp and staying there for six weeks. I was 16, we were picked up at Trenton and flown directly to base; it never occurred to me to worry. If you had told me then that I would be a criminal defence lawyer right down the road there 12 years later... I don't know what I would have thought.

The place has an emotional pull on me that really nothing else does. Secretly I think all my life I have just wanted to be the best SLC staff I can be. That work ethic is remarkably transferable. I am grown up, but I will never forget where I have been.

some days, I feel like the worst lawyer in the world.

fever pitch

A commonly, if jokingly, asked question of criminal lawyers is "how do you sleep at night?" I find that sleep eludes me now, not because of conscience prickling, but of the constant worry that I am not doing the right thing for my clients. That worry, coupled with job insecurity, has reached an almost fevered pitch lately, making the days trouble the night, and the night plagues the day. They say that the first year, first 3 years, first 5 years of practice are the hardest, and that it doesn't get easier, but you learn to deal with the stress. I sure hope so.

Otherwise things have been splendid.

Los Angeles

I just came back from visiting my sister in L.A. with my boyfriend.

We grew up.

Happy New Year

High hopes for 2010!

Christmas tree

"I haven't put up a Christmas tree since the year my father died." and my heart broke a little. That was 15 years ago, that his dad died. How does one live without a Christmas tree for so long?

This past weekend was home reno/deco madness. In preparation for his bar admission this Friday, we had to make our new place afterparty-ready. So it was a a flurry of lights, furniture, stockings, liquor, etc shopping for the past two day, post-blizzard with 20cm of snow on the ground. Fun.

Moving is stressful, but we've been managing pretty well. I love having our own place. And from now on, we are going to have a Christmas tree every year.