I drove to Kingston yesterday, and met with my supervisor for two hours. The upshot is that I am going to have to rewrite (well, at least restructure) my entire thesis. So, that's what I'll be doing the next two months. Oddly, I am feeling calm about it. I don't know if it is just that it hasn't hit me yet, or I am just so disheartened by the whole thing that this total do-over doesn't even bother me all that much.
I booked tickets to Calgary for mid-month though, so at least there is something in my life to look forward to.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Monday, April 18, 2005
Writing Week
The thesis has to get done this week, so, nothing else matters. Just write, write, write.
Monday, April 11, 2005
One More Thing
I just need one more thing to fall into place before I can mail off my acceptance, make a sheepish phone call to Human Resources at National Defence, and seal my fate for the next 3 years.
So since Thursday when I got my acceptance, things have been pretty crazy. My friends have been tremendously supportive, and my family disasterously destructive. Well, part of my family (ie. mom, dad, & sis) have been, at less at some point, depressing. My uncles have been oddly elated, with generous offers of help. And the boy gave me a talk bordering on sermon of the southern Baptist fervor about doing what's best for me, what I want. Very passionate. Very cute.
I can appreciate that my dad wants me to work, 'cuz no one in my nuclear family has real work right now, or any other means to support the family in the near future. But to phrase it as "You shouldn't go 'cuz you have no connections in society to become a successful lawyer" is not a good way to put the issue to me, especially coupled with "when did you even think about law school" and not even a congratulations, just shock and dismay at my petulance.
Mom cried, 'cuz what else do mothers do? Not from joy, but from the crippling insecurity of not being able to financially support me through this, and for wishing that I would take the job so she can move out of my grandmother's house with me. Then she tells me how good a man my father is, and that he wouldn't say all those things if he had the means to support me, etc. Not what I want to hear either.
My sister, we had a talk, and I asked her what kind of person does she think I am. Her highestly praise is that I am 'quiet', and 'has integrity because I only ever order McChicken Combo'. But at least she listens, and sort of understands, even though she thinks me taking French would make me an Asian 'triple threat', and therefore I should take the job and do the language training. Sometimes, I... just don't know about her.
My uncles (the two who have gone to university), are totally for me going, and even offered to loan me the money, which is really generous (and unexpected) of them. They say that the decision (job or law school) is a no-brainer, and I should take this opportunity and run with it.
So it came down to me, and who do I think I am? That's actually a lot harder question to answer than I thought it would be. Do I make a responsible choice and be a grown up, take the job and support my family? Or do I slug it out for another 3 years in hopes of a better future than anyone has ever imagined for me, including myself? Do I choose the one bird in my hand, or the possibility of a flock in the sky/bush/wherever else I've butchered this analogy to? I have three quotes on post-it notes stuck on my corkboard, and they read:
"The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly. 'Tis dearness only that gives everything its value" ~Thomas Paine, as quoted in The West Wing
"The qualities of courage and vision are the touchstones of leadership" ~paraphased from Henry Kissinger
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. For when I am weak, then I am strong" ~II Corinthians 12:9-10
So, who am I?
If I can get even a verbal confirmation of my summer posting to Cold Lake tomorrow, I can take care of the details. 'Cuz really, why did I ever doubt who I am, when it's clear from the start?
So since Thursday when I got my acceptance, things have been pretty crazy. My friends have been tremendously supportive, and my family disasterously destructive. Well, part of my family (ie. mom, dad, & sis) have been, at less at some point, depressing. My uncles have been oddly elated, with generous offers of help. And the boy gave me a talk bordering on sermon of the southern Baptist fervor about doing what's best for me, what I want. Very passionate. Very cute.
I can appreciate that my dad wants me to work, 'cuz no one in my nuclear family has real work right now, or any other means to support the family in the near future. But to phrase it as "You shouldn't go 'cuz you have no connections in society to become a successful lawyer" is not a good way to put the issue to me, especially coupled with "when did you even think about law school" and not even a congratulations, just shock and dismay at my petulance.
Mom cried, 'cuz what else do mothers do? Not from joy, but from the crippling insecurity of not being able to financially support me through this, and for wishing that I would take the job so she can move out of my grandmother's house with me. Then she tells me how good a man my father is, and that he wouldn't say all those things if he had the means to support me, etc. Not what I want to hear either.
My sister, we had a talk, and I asked her what kind of person does she think I am. Her highestly praise is that I am 'quiet', and 'has integrity because I only ever order McChicken Combo'. But at least she listens, and sort of understands, even though she thinks me taking French would make me an Asian 'triple threat', and therefore I should take the job and do the language training. Sometimes, I... just don't know about her.
My uncles (the two who have gone to university), are totally for me going, and even offered to loan me the money, which is really generous (and unexpected) of them. They say that the decision (job or law school) is a no-brainer, and I should take this opportunity and run with it.
So it came down to me, and who do I think I am? That's actually a lot harder question to answer than I thought it would be. Do I make a responsible choice and be a grown up, take the job and support my family? Or do I slug it out for another 3 years in hopes of a better future than anyone has ever imagined for me, including myself? Do I choose the one bird in my hand, or the possibility of a flock in the sky/bush/wherever else I've butchered this analogy to? I have three quotes on post-it notes stuck on my corkboard, and they read:
"The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly. 'Tis dearness only that gives everything its value" ~Thomas Paine, as quoted in The West Wing
"The qualities of courage and vision are the touchstones of leadership" ~paraphased from Henry Kissinger
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. For when I am weak, then I am strong" ~II Corinthians 12:9-10
So, who am I?
If I can get even a verbal confirmation of my summer posting to Cold Lake tomorrow, I can take care of the details. 'Cuz really, why did I ever doubt who I am, when it's clear from the start?
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