England, I miss you!

I left for England this time last year, with some vague notions of finding myself, enjoying a semester aboard, and an odd sense of sentimentality, as Leicester is one of the places my dad studied at while in graduate school. What's missing in a father-daughter relationship in the present I had hoped to find in a shared experience, of a place, though 30 days apart. I don't know what I found in my 3 months aboard, except that the cobbley steps of the Royal Mile of Edinburgh, the dreaming spires of Oxford, the glistening lights of Paris, and the sheer energy in the dance of Madrid will forever be etched in my soul. I cannot wait for a chance to go back. But I know that to return as a visitor will never match the childlike wonder of seeing it for the first time. And I will no longer be a student, which has implications of its own.

I traveled to the other side of the world to find myself, but still the greater distance is between who I am, and who I long to be. Feeling quite wistful today; don't know why.

Seriously

If I see one more 'I'm engaged!' or 'We're getting married!' message, I think I am self-combust. Come on, of course I'm happy for my friends, and their blissful togetherness. Of course I wish them every happiness. Of course I wish I had some of that in my life.

I have married friends. Friends expecting babies. Friends with babies. Friends with talking children. I have... my first real job. And yes, it's my choice, and I am happy with it, and I've got to believe that my turn at love and family will come and have not gone.

So to all my pending nuptial friends, I am thrilled for you. Shout from the rooftops and post your pictures. I am so happy for you. Truly.

searching

I have been feeling like I need to make a choice in my life, in deciding who I am going to be. Since I have arrived in Edmonton, I have been going to church on a fairly regular basis. This is nothing new, as I tend to go when I'm in Alberta. Previously, this has meant all the times I have been in camp. Camp life is pretty routine, and I like the built in element of the spiritual when in such a structured environment.

But now Alberta is no longer a summer placement for me. This is my real life, and continuing to fit church in seems so very difficult. Not just time-wise, though that's a big part of it. And it's not like I have encountered such ethical dilemma at work yet that I feel like my world view is in conflict with a Christian life. But I was presented with an opportunity to be baptized today, and I turned it down. Do I fear the commitment, or being ask to contribute to the life of the church, when I already feel like I can't catch my breath at work? I have a lot of issues/questions about baptism as well, that's more difficult to articulate. Without going into that part of my psyche though, who am I? More importantly, who do I choose to be? Why do I not feel like I can make a public statement about something I believe in?

I know that I can be a good 'company man', if you know what I mean. When I decided I was going to do cadets, I threw myself into it, completely. That single-mindedness some might call determination, or stubbornness. But the point is I am perfectly at ease at church, and can quote scripture and explain doctrines adequately well (after all those years in Christian private school). I am also finding my footing in the legal world, or the world in general, as an adult. But I can't reconcile those two people reflected in me. It is not that I am a devil at work and an angel at church, nor do I think that anyone is asking me to be. I am just ill at ease with that other part of my life, and feel like I need to compartmentalize them, preferably with a bulletproof wall in between. But such separation is hard to draw within.

The crux of it is that no one is really demanding me to be one thing or another. It is just my own desire to please/appease people and to live up to expectations that's really making it hard. I feel like I am always going to be disappointing someone, and I wish I didn't care what other people think but I do. You know that song "The Quest" (end song in Grey's finale last season)? That's what I keep hearing in my head at the moment. I wish I could arrive at that emotion.