Left Cold Lake on Friday night. Didn't get to say goodbye to too many people, 'cuz I was the first to leave, and everyone else was still working. Marc called and left me a voicemail, which was nice, though he was talking in tangents like a boy. Did manage to see Rob before I go. Both of us were near tears. (sigh) So things are... what they are. By which I mean I have no idea.
Got to Edmonton Garrison, where I was spending the night. One of my cadets took my duffle bag home by accident, but luckily it was returned before my flight the following day. Saw a couple more people at the airport. Flight was delayed for an hour, and somehow turbulent. Whatever. I got back in one piece, with all my luggage, and even managed to not have to travel in uniform. Unpacked, put all my camp stuff away, and sat and reflected on what the hell this summer was.
I feel like I've finished nothing, accomplished nothing in completion. Professionally, it was not challenging, and somewhat frustrating as I tried to minimize the impact of others' oversight. Socially, it was good to be returning staff, and have several groups of friends to count on and hang out with. Romantically... well, you know. I keep trying to tell myself to stop asking why, and how it could be so screwed up, 'cuz I know there is no answer forthcoming. I spoke to two of my friends today, and they were bewildered as to why I am still involved in this mess. I am too, to tell you the truth. But I'm stubborn, and I refuse to believe that there is something that I can't do, that I can't achieve by sheer force of will. I've never lost at anything that mattered before, why should I now? I try to be responsible in all other aspects of my life, and I want to be able to be reckless in just this one thing. Regardless of how much it hurts or heals, how much joy or pain it causes.
I do have to thank you all for listening to my endless complaining here. I'll try to spice up the writing a little from now on, so it's not so depressing. This picture is for PM.
4 comments:
i'm sorry to read that u've been feeling down lately... as always, i wish i could think of something more comforting to say but alas, i'm just a shmoe and can't... but i do hope u feel better... though your posts have been melancholy lately, they've been poignantly written and as pleasurable to read as the subject matter would them be...
hopefully, the 2 weeks at home and then the excitement of starting off on your new career path will cheer u up soon!
P.S. thanks for calling me a good fruit :) ...
P.P.S. i like the new layout...
oh aziz, only you would call my complaining 'poetic'! =)
Your complaining (and the rest of your writing) is, in fact poetic... as strange as that sounds for someone who's gone to RMC, been in cadets for e-yons, and started off with a B.Sc
Anywhoo... AwEsOmE picture! Hope you enjoyed the view of the Rockies.
~PM
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