Ten Days in Calgary

must. blog. about. trip.

It's been a week since I had an anxiety attack.

Ha! Thought that would get your attention. Let's start from the top...


First, I would like to let you know that this is real life. If you are late for your flight, because you relied on your sister's friend/taxi to get you to the airport, and arrived less than 30 mins before departure time, Toronto Pearson International Airport will not let you through the gate, even though they haven't even started boarding yet. Or maybe they had. I don't know, I didn't get that far. It's totally not like in the movies, where you can flash your badge, say you are an FBI agent, and get them to reopen the plane door for you. (don't worry, I didn't try to convince anyone I was on official business, even though I was using my permanent military ID).

So after all that, I had my flight rescheduled for the next day, and decided to take public transit to the airport. 'Cuz one $50 cab ride was more than enough. The Airport Rocket bus was faster than the cab driver from the night before, and it took a surprisingly short amount of time to get back to Terminal 1. I was 2 hours early. After all that, I can't tell you how happy I was to land in Calgary, even if the local temperature was 13C (it was 37C in Toronto).

Day 1 Thursday
Landed in the Calgary airport. Because I was sitting in the very back of the plane, I was one of the last to reach the arrival area. I saw him before he saw me, but it feels like everyone waiting for their luggage saw how happy we were. Dinner at Boston Pizza. Grocery shopping at Safeway.

Day 2 Friday
He worked from 6am-2pm, and then we went for a walk to the Glenmore Park Reservoir. Umm, let's just say there was a ring involved. I said we can reopen the topic for discussion at Christmas. I was adamant that I want to go to England to learn about myself, and I am certain that I can't do that wearing someone's ring. It ended up okay, considering. Went out to dinner/drinks with a bunch of his friends, who all helped me gang up on him (on other things). It was cute.

Day 3 Saturday
Drove out to Canmore for the day. It was absolutely beautiful. Mountains. Big Mountains. Clouds passing over Big Mountains. Snow-capped. I just can't get over them. I bleached his hair, and he did highlights in mine. He did the better job.

Day 4 Sunday
We started the day by going to St. Andrew's Presbyterian Church (yes, church) to hear one of his friends be the music director there, playing the piano, organ and conducting the choir. The sermon was about being a living testament to your faith, as in action makes the best sermon. We met up with his friend at Chinook Centre (as Marc corrected me, not The Chinook Centre) and had sushi. Met up with CLACSTC people at The Kilkenny for dinner.

Day 5 Monday
He went to work in the morning again. He cooked us chicken over the open fire pit in his backyard. I think we watched the new Michael Moore docu-dramady Sicko that night. Oh, and I dyed his hair blue, 'cuz his roommate had some leftover from a previous adventure. Night drive out to Kananaski Country to see a billion stars.

Day 6 Tuesday
We went downtown, Chinatown, Mountain Equipment Coop, and the TD Tower/Bankers Hall mall, with a solarium garden on the fourth floor. He got a new cellphone, tossing a coin between green or purple, because I refused to let him buy black. Besides, the green goes with the blue hair. Things were going well, until I had a little panic attack that night. Well, I don't know if it was that for sure, since I've never had one before. Basically I was feeling extremely warm, drowsy, and couldn't catch my breath. It was pretty scary. More on that later.

Day 7 Wednesday
Quiet day, aftermath of above attack. I took a long walk, basically freaking out over the phone with sister and friend. He went to pick up his parents from the airport.

Day 8 Thursday
Went to brunch at Nellies with all the rooster deco with Marc. Sorted things out with Rob. Went to visit Marc at his work in the library in our fancy clothes, en route to dinner at Kensington. A view of downtown at night from a looking point.

Day 9 Friday
The Calgary Philharmonic Orchestra played a free, lunch concert at the Petro Canada Centre, so we went to go check that out. Went to say hello to his parents, who told us all about their trip, and took us out for ice cream. Dinner at his friend's house.

Day 10 Saturday
Packed, several tearful conversations later, drove to the airport. Flight delayed twice. Got home at 1:20am. Already miss him.


Thoughts
So I thought the anxiety was related to my uncertainty about relationships. Not this relationship in particular, but whether I am equipped to share my life with someone else. I mean, I know that I don't have the best track record in this department. But at some point you have to be a little introspective and wonder whether the problem lies within rather than without. I said that I thought something in me might be broken, and he asked whether he broke it. Maybe, I didn't say. Rather, I thought maybe I broke it, by being careless with my heart. I don't know how to feel. On the one hand, I miss him terribly. Undeniably, he has grown up. I have imposed a no-phone call rule until Christmas (part of the Find Myself in UK plan). On the later hand, I wonder whether I love him simply because he loves me. I suppose there are worse reasons to be with someone, but I'm not sure it's sufficient reason. Or because I just feel vindicated that this mess of our history can/has finally amounted to something. I feel my family may prove to be an insurmountable obstacle for this to progress any further. Even under the best circumstance it was going to be a hard sell. And these, my friends, are not the best. It will most certainly be impossible if I am not 100% certain that it is what I want, and am willing to defend.

In my head, I think in circles.
In my heart, I miss him so.