Monday, May 09, 2005
woohoo!!
Got my Cold Lake contract for the summer today! (about time) I will be spending 2 months (26 June - 20 Aug) in the wonderful province of Alberta, staffing the cadet camp I was posted at last summer, and, most importantly, being there with the boy again! ;)
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Sunny Day
I am sick of hearing myself complain about my thesis. So, even though there is nothing good to report on that front, I am going to stop taking about it. Period.
Beautiful, gorgeous, wish-I-were-tanning-at-a-beach kinda day. I was sitting in the backyard for about half an hour, trying to get some colour on the pale, hidden-all-winter skin. But then I got bored. Went out for sushi for Mother's Day today. For once my mom didn't yell at me for getting her a present, which was nice. Usually it's the damned if you do, damned if you don't variety with gift-giving and her.
I just finished reading Cause Celeb, the book Helen Fielding wrote before the whole Bridget Jones phenomenon. It was a good, fun read, and makes me want to go work in an NGO in Africa for a while. That's how bored I am with my life. Next on the list is Shake Hands with the Devil.
One of my friends does something she calls Joy Sadhana. It is basically an exercise in self-evaluation, and being grateful. Since I've been kinda stick in a bout of negativity lately, I thought maybe I should try it. Nothing like living in an age of self-help ;) So, here we go:
5 Good Things
It is really suppose to be 5 Good Things Today, but I think that's stretching it a little, so I'm just going to generalize to it my life at this point.
1. Windsor - no matter what, I am going to Law School in the Fall, and that's something I'm really happy about. It's not without baggage, between the emotional from my family, the financial from, well, reality, and the occasitional self-doubt about whether I can really do well there. But still, looking forward to it, especially since it's something I've thought about, on and off, for a very long time now.
2. Cadets - I was talking to my cousin yesterday while we went on a bike ride, just about life and growing up and where he should go to university (he is in grade 11), and he asked me whether I've ever thought about what life would be like if I'd never come to Canada. The first thing that came to my mind was cadets. I don't know what my life would have been like if I'd never become a cadet. The organization is undoubtedly the single most important influence in my life, for the past 10 years now. That is not to say that if I'd never gotten involved, I won't have learned the skills or developed the self-confidence through some other means. I'm just tremendously grateful for what it did do for me. 7 years as a cadet, almost 4 as an officer now, and I am still learning everyday.
3. Family - I know, I know, you must think I am crazy to be thankful for my crazy family. But who knows what I would have been like without them? How much of the good in me is because of them? (and, of course, how much of the bad?) For the most part, I like who I am right now. And they have been there from day one, so at least some credit is due there, right?
4. My brain - heh! I'm not saying I'm especially smart or gifted, but at least my brain is a tool and an asset to my life. I know my thinking is weird at times (okay, a lot of the time), but still I'm happy to be able to think those weird thoughts. I read Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time by Mark Haddon a couple weeks ago. If you haven't come across this book yet, go check it out. It might make you grateful for your brain too. Which means, I guess, I should really be protecting it with a helmet or something when I go biking.
5. You - for reading, for participating and acting as a witness to my life. For tidbits of wisdom and the smiles and encouragement. I'm so glad for what the internet has done for us closet introverts, giving us a forum to express those things we'd never say out loud.
3 Things I Did Well
Again, it is suppose to be specific to 'today', but, in general:
1. This - I'm glad I took the time to take stock of my life. It's not when life is going well that you need faith, right?
2. Teach - whether it's math class or cadets, in the classroom or in the interaction, I feel like I'm contributing to my students' lives. Positively.
3. Calgary - haven't really done this yet, but at least I'm planning to go. I want something, and I'm going to try to get it. For myself. I know that I've not really good at doing things for myself. I mean, I have no trouble shopping, or slacking off, but the last couple months especially, I've had to really challenge myself in considering what matters in my life. I've had to force myself to take ownership more, and shape my life instead of react to things that are happening to me. So, even though some vocal people in my life have expressed their disapproval of this trip, I'm going to go. Sometimes you just have to risk wearing your heart on your sleeve.
Beautiful, gorgeous, wish-I-were-tanning-at-a-beach kinda day. I was sitting in the backyard for about half an hour, trying to get some colour on the pale, hidden-all-winter skin. But then I got bored. Went out for sushi for Mother's Day today. For once my mom didn't yell at me for getting her a present, which was nice. Usually it's the damned if you do, damned if you don't variety with gift-giving and her.
I just finished reading Cause Celeb, the book Helen Fielding wrote before the whole Bridget Jones phenomenon. It was a good, fun read, and makes me want to go work in an NGO in Africa for a while. That's how bored I am with my life. Next on the list is Shake Hands with the Devil.
One of my friends does something she calls Joy Sadhana. It is basically an exercise in self-evaluation, and being grateful. Since I've been kinda stick in a bout of negativity lately, I thought maybe I should try it. Nothing like living in an age of self-help ;) So, here we go:
5 Good Things
It is really suppose to be 5 Good Things Today, but I think that's stretching it a little, so I'm just going to generalize to it my life at this point.
1. Windsor - no matter what, I am going to Law School in the Fall, and that's something I'm really happy about. It's not without baggage, between the emotional from my family, the financial from, well, reality, and the occasitional self-doubt about whether I can really do well there. But still, looking forward to it, especially since it's something I've thought about, on and off, for a very long time now.
2. Cadets - I was talking to my cousin yesterday while we went on a bike ride, just about life and growing up and where he should go to university (he is in grade 11), and he asked me whether I've ever thought about what life would be like if I'd never come to Canada. The first thing that came to my mind was cadets. I don't know what my life would have been like if I'd never become a cadet. The organization is undoubtedly the single most important influence in my life, for the past 10 years now. That is not to say that if I'd never gotten involved, I won't have learned the skills or developed the self-confidence through some other means. I'm just tremendously grateful for what it did do for me. 7 years as a cadet, almost 4 as an officer now, and I am still learning everyday.
3. Family - I know, I know, you must think I am crazy to be thankful for my crazy family. But who knows what I would have been like without them? How much of the good in me is because of them? (and, of course, how much of the bad?) For the most part, I like who I am right now. And they have been there from day one, so at least some credit is due there, right?
4. My brain - heh! I'm not saying I'm especially smart or gifted, but at least my brain is a tool and an asset to my life. I know my thinking is weird at times (okay, a lot of the time), but still I'm happy to be able to think those weird thoughts. I read Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time by Mark Haddon a couple weeks ago. If you haven't come across this book yet, go check it out. It might make you grateful for your brain too. Which means, I guess, I should really be protecting it with a helmet or something when I go biking.
5. You - for reading, for participating and acting as a witness to my life. For tidbits of wisdom and the smiles and encouragement. I'm so glad for what the internet has done for us closet introverts, giving us a forum to express those things we'd never say out loud.
3 Things I Did Well
Again, it is suppose to be specific to 'today', but, in general:
1. This - I'm glad I took the time to take stock of my life. It's not when life is going well that you need faith, right?
2. Teach - whether it's math class or cadets, in the classroom or in the interaction, I feel like I'm contributing to my students' lives. Positively.
3. Calgary - haven't really done this yet, but at least I'm planning to go. I want something, and I'm going to try to get it. For myself. I know that I've not really good at doing things for myself. I mean, I have no trouble shopping, or slacking off, but the last couple months especially, I've had to really challenge myself in considering what matters in my life. I've had to force myself to take ownership more, and shape my life instead of react to things that are happening to me. So, even though some vocal people in my life have expressed their disapproval of this trip, I'm going to go. Sometimes you just have to risk wearing your heart on your sleeve.
Monday, May 02, 2005
Who Am I Kidding?
Okay, I am officially freaking out now. I don't know why this didn't happen earlier, but it is hitting me full force now. I have been sitting in front of my laptop for 3 hours, and gotten absolutely nothing done. Never mind not writing anything new - I haven't even gotten around to opening the word document. I am just so ... scared to go through this crap again. Because, I guess, I didn't think it was bad the first time I wrote it, and now I have to accept that it all merits a rewrite. I don't know how to do it any differently from this! I have never really revised anything before. Write the paper, hand it in. I am seriously having a crisis of confidence now. Does this mean that all the other papers I have written in the past 5 years all should have been rewritten too? I mean, obviously I am not going to do that, but it says a lot about the quality of my writing, no? And writing is all I know how to do! I have never considered myself a writer, but a grad student who can't write competently - what good is that? The ability to express your idea clearly through the written word is the only thing that can justify how I've been spending the past 6 years. Otherwise I might has well have gotten married and have babies and raise a family or whatever. How the hell am I going to get through law school if I can't even do something I've been working on all year well?
A part of me just want to give up this degree. I am serious. I really don't care anymore. Except then how can I justify the hell that was last year? What do I tell myself all those other papers I've agonized over are for? I remember a term from first year economics: sunk loss. Bascially, don't throw good money after bad. So regardless of last year, I should just stop investing in this degree I cared nothing for in the first place. I just want to go away and start doing something new. Anything but write another word on prisoners of war. I don't have a single original idea left.
A part of me just want to give up this degree. I am serious. I really don't care anymore. Except then how can I justify the hell that was last year? What do I tell myself all those other papers I've agonized over are for? I remember a term from first year economics: sunk loss. Bascially, don't throw good money after bad. So regardless of last year, I should just stop investing in this degree I cared nothing for in the first place. I just want to go away and start doing something new. Anything but write another word on prisoners of war. I don't have a single original idea left.
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