my boy

Love at first sight.

Thanksgiving

I surprised my mom on Friday, and she surprised me back yesterday. I am thankful for the tremendous ability of parents to love their children, even if they don't understand them. =)

Engaged!

We got engaged in Oahu, HI on September 10. Sunset on the beach, what more could a girl ask for? =) It was picture perfect as if staged on a movie set. And there were fireworks that night.

Plan is for a Toronto wedding next fall, with an Edmonton reception to fall. Save the date!

Last Day

I finished my last day as a defence lawyer today, as a friend of the court in the afternoon, no less. One week of Honolulu, one week of rest, awaits before 'going to the dark side'. I am emotionally drained from this decision, and so no tear was shed today. I wish I could say that I am excited to be a prosecutor, but mostly I just want the rest right now.

waiting on my world to change

I have about 3 weeks left in my firm. People are asking how I am feeling, and whether I am excited about my new job (starting in about 5 weeks). How do I explain this? How can I be excited about leaving a place that's basically my home for the last 2 years, where I spend 11 hours a day at least, and still, by choice, hang out with the people there after hours? That I don't really feel like I have a choice about leaving, and the situation was made difficult by things beyond my control, but that I still don't hold any ill will over anyone there? That I hope I can go back there some day, but not make that sound pathetic?

There is a new and exciting job waiting for me in September, but I fear that's all it will be - a job. It wouldn't be like this; something that I define my very self by. It just won't be the same.

I have been a lawyer for one year. (more reflections later)

choices

Career-wise, I am at a crossroad. I know that these decisions seem insignificant in retrospect, but always looms larger than life at the time you are trying to pick a path. For the past two years, I am been a criminal defence lawyer. Well, one year as an articling student, and one as a lawyer. Now, due to changes in Legal Aid and internal staffing uncertainty (read: maternity leave), I have been offered a 6 months extension on my previous one year contract. It feels like a 'please find something else' kind of offer, although I understand the position of the firm. So I looked elsewhere, and had two prospects: another defence firm, or the Crown Prosecutor's office.

I have nothing ideologically against working for 'the other side', but what's hard is that I feel like the decision is being forced upon me by circumstances, by the fact that I am a woman and wants to have kids soon, and by the fact that everyone seems to like to think that I'd be a good 'Crown'. In no small part because as a woman and a visible minority, I get the double whammy of PC advantage, especially in Alberta, especially in criminal law, especially in government. So it all seems like a good idea, so why don't I stop trying to do something different and just go?

Working for the government was what I wanted to do after school. I interviewed at countless departments but wasn't offered a job. So now I should be overjoyed, right? So why am I not? Civic service was instilled in me young.

Then on Canada Day, I see hundreds of people waving flags, and I am filled with love for this country. So I know that wherever I end up, I will be contributing to this beautiful place that I am blessed to be living in.

I'm okay

It's been a crazy week, month, season, but I'm okay. My dad is visiting me for a month, and I am sucking up as much fatherly affection as I can from the previous 7 year absent. However we each walk those roads, we have made it to this place, and we can be together, content. It's an incredible feeling. What is the point of dwelling on past disappointments or regrets, when we have tomorrow to live?

My job hangs on a tenuous thread, but that's going to be okay too. Because this is life, and we have to live it, and I don't intend on living it in fear or yesterdays.

Cold Lake

Due to, well, as series of events, I woke up at 6am and drove to Cold Lake for Court this morning. The matter I was dealing with was a bar fight at Legends. Either you get that, or you don't. ;)

In the middle of my submissions in court, the fire alarms went off. Yes, my eloquence actually brought down the house! Well, okay, there was no fire, but we all had to wait outside. The Courthouse is right across the street from the A&W, at the tip of the road that leads to the base. So I stand there in the warm sun, and reflect one how I got there. Twelve (twelve!) years ago, I arrived at Cold Lake for the first time, with no idea where it was, geographically. It didn't occur to me to look it up before leaving for camp and staying there for six weeks. I was 16, we were picked up at Trenton and flown directly to base; it never occurred to me to worry. If you had told me then that I would be a criminal defence lawyer right down the road there 12 years later... I don't know what I would have thought.

The place has an emotional pull on me that really nothing else does. Secretly I think all my life I have just wanted to be the best SLC staff I can be. That work ethic is remarkably transferable. I am grown up, but I will never forget where I have been.

some days, I feel like the worst lawyer in the world.

fever pitch

A commonly, if jokingly, asked question of criminal lawyers is "how do you sleep at night?" I find that sleep eludes me now, not because of conscience prickling, but of the constant worry that I am not doing the right thing for my clients. That worry, coupled with job insecurity, has reached an almost fevered pitch lately, making the days trouble the night, and the night plagues the day. They say that the first year, first 3 years, first 5 years of practice are the hardest, and that it doesn't get easier, but you learn to deal with the stress. I sure hope so.

Otherwise things have been splendid.

Los Angeles

I just came back from visiting my sister in L.A. with my boyfriend.

We grew up.

Happy New Year

High hopes for 2010!