I just heard on the radio today that the Kitchener Waterloo Philharmonic Choir is performing the Lord of the Rings Symphony in Roy Thomspon Hall for two performances, this Sunday only. Needless to say, I got tickets. Can't wait!
I really want to hear the Toronto Symphony Orchestra's Star Wars Concert too, but it's after my departure date for Cold Lake. Another time.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Monday, May 30, 2005
musically induced high
My cadets had their Annual Inspection yesterday, and my band was AWESOME! I can hardly express with words how proud I am of them. They were the finale after 4 other displays, and they didn't disappoint. The drummers even threw their sticks at the end of the sequence Drumline style. I didn't authorize that, but it was damn cool. And cocky.
So other training year has ended. I'm a little sad to be leaving this squadron that has and continues to mean so much to me, but hopefully, one day my path will lead me back here.
When the cold of winter comes
Starless night will cover day
In the veiling of the sun
We will walk in bitter rain
But in Dreams
I can hear your name
And in Dreams
We will meet again
When the seas and mountains fall
And we come to end of days
In the dark I hear a call
Calling me there
I will go there
And back again
~ In Dreams
The Fellowship of the Ring
So other training year has ended. I'm a little sad to be leaving this squadron that has and continues to mean so much to me, but hopefully, one day my path will lead me back here.
When the cold of winter comes
Starless night will cover day
In the veiling of the sun
We will walk in bitter rain
But in Dreams
I can hear your name
And in Dreams
We will meet again
When the seas and mountains fall
And we come to end of days
In the dark I hear a call
Calling me there
I will go there
And back again
~ In Dreams
The Fellowship of the Ring
Friday, May 27, 2005
sleepless thoughts
Ever had one of those nights when you are bone tired, but just can't sleep? Of course you have - you are probably having one of those as you read this right now. I have no idea what's going on.
This weekend is going to be busy, with the end-of-the-year cadet Annual Inspection on Sunday. The kids are going to be practicing all weekend for it. And I find it hard to believe, but it just might be possible that I can't sleep because of that. As a cadet, this was always the most important day of the year. Besides worrying about the various displays and shows we put on, our nerves are also shot in anticipation for the awards and promotion portion of the ceremony. Of course, not being a cadet anymore, I am not up for any awards. In fact, I will be presenting a couple of them. But still a childish part of me giggle with excitement. I know my band will put on a great show. I can hardly believe that the training year is over. Where did the days go?
Sleepless nights are a new menace now that the relationship is good again. I can't help pathetically daydreaming about what to name our kids, and other equally ridiculous notions. Obviously I have very definite ideas about where I want this relationship to go, so it is probably unfair to penalize him for not wanting the same things as I do six years down the road. Just live in today, right?
But I can't shake off this feeling that something bad is going to happen, or that it is not going to work out. What is the merit to a relationship with dissimilar goals? Given that no one can say for certain what's going to happen; but still. Even if both parties are working towards something, it might not work out. There is just absolutely no chance in hell of it happening if one of the parties isn't even going for it, right? This has got to be one of the perils of long-distance relationship, especially with a neurotic control freak like me: over-thinking and over-analyzing. I'm just going to sleep, and let tomorrow bring what it may.
This weekend is going to be busy, with the end-of-the-year cadet Annual Inspection on Sunday. The kids are going to be practicing all weekend for it. And I find it hard to believe, but it just might be possible that I can't sleep because of that. As a cadet, this was always the most important day of the year. Besides worrying about the various displays and shows we put on, our nerves are also shot in anticipation for the awards and promotion portion of the ceremony. Of course, not being a cadet anymore, I am not up for any awards. In fact, I will be presenting a couple of them. But still a childish part of me giggle with excitement. I know my band will put on a great show. I can hardly believe that the training year is over. Where did the days go?
Sleepless nights are a new menace now that the relationship is good again. I can't help pathetically daydreaming about what to name our kids, and other equally ridiculous notions. Obviously I have very definite ideas about where I want this relationship to go, so it is probably unfair to penalize him for not wanting the same things as I do six years down the road. Just live in today, right?
But I can't shake off this feeling that something bad is going to happen, or that it is not going to work out. What is the merit to a relationship with dissimilar goals? Given that no one can say for certain what's going to happen; but still. Even if both parties are working towards something, it might not work out. There is just absolutely no chance in hell of it happening if one of the parties isn't even going for it, right? This has got to be one of the perils of long-distance relationship, especially with a neurotic control freak like me: over-thinking and over-analyzing. I'm just going to sleep, and let tomorrow bring what it may.
Monday, May 23, 2005
Calgary!
Just back got this morning - what a great trip!
Day I - depart from Toronto on a 7am flight, 4 hours to Calgary. Got there, saw him smile, and that was almost enough. =) Slight delay due to stuck conveyor belt (not my luggage's fault!). Checked out the drum studio he teaches at, 17th Avenue, went to his place for lunch. His mom was so nice. Then headed downtown for some walking around, checking out the different venues he gigs at (theatres, concert halls, hotels, pubs), but mostly we were just getting used to how giddily good it is to see each other. Watched him teach a class at St. Francis high school, dinner at The Keg, back to his place and met his dad. Drinks with Marc after.
Day II - tour University of Calgary campus in the morning, lunch at the Grad Club. Calgary Zoo in the afternoon. Back to his place for barbecue dinner with his parents. I was pretty nervous about this part of this trip, but they were totally cool and gracious hosts. Went for a walk around Glenmore Park, which surrounds a reservior. Rented Ray for a quiet evening in.
Day III - Banff. Wow. I haven't seen the mountains since Hong Kong, and they are just gorgeous. There is really no other way to describe them. Well, maybe majestic, too. Snow capped, with a million trees growing straight as asparagus covering them. So wish I'd done my flight training in Alberta. There was a jazz concert in the evening, so we decided to go check it out. It was so appallingly bad that we left at intermission, though we had a great time making fun of it.
Day IV - late start, 'cuz all that mountain hiking is really tiring. Back to the university so he could play some stuff on the marimba for me. Shopping at Kensington Market, nice walk and talk along the Bow River, and a bit of shopping at Eau Claire Market just before they closed. Back to his place for dinner. Then, 1 hour before we had to leave for the airport, he gets a call from Marc, telling us that Nikki (who leave in Victoria, BC) is spontaneously in town! We had a really fast drive to and a quick drink together; it was so good to see her, especially since she won't be at Cold Lake this summer. To the airport, flight at 0050hr (Calgary time). Arrive 0640hr (Toronto time).
June is going to be a long month. I can't really complain though, 'cuz we'll be spending every spare minute of July & August at camp together!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
sorry about the sappiness of this post. But, seeing him, long distance relationship; I think I'm entitled. ;)
Day I - depart from Toronto on a 7am flight, 4 hours to Calgary. Got there, saw him smile, and that was almost enough. =) Slight delay due to stuck conveyor belt (not my luggage's fault!). Checked out the drum studio he teaches at, 17th Avenue, went to his place for lunch. His mom was so nice. Then headed downtown for some walking around, checking out the different venues he gigs at (theatres, concert halls, hotels, pubs), but mostly we were just getting used to how giddily good it is to see each other. Watched him teach a class at St. Francis high school, dinner at The Keg, back to his place and met his dad. Drinks with Marc after.
Day II - tour University of Calgary campus in the morning, lunch at the Grad Club. Calgary Zoo in the afternoon. Back to his place for barbecue dinner with his parents. I was pretty nervous about this part of this trip, but they were totally cool and gracious hosts. Went for a walk around Glenmore Park, which surrounds a reservior. Rented Ray for a quiet evening in.
Day III - Banff. Wow. I haven't seen the mountains since Hong Kong, and they are just gorgeous. There is really no other way to describe them. Well, maybe majestic, too. Snow capped, with a million trees growing straight as asparagus covering them. So wish I'd done my flight training in Alberta. There was a jazz concert in the evening, so we decided to go check it out. It was so appallingly bad that we left at intermission, though we had a great time making fun of it.
Day IV - late start, 'cuz all that mountain hiking is really tiring. Back to the university so he could play some stuff on the marimba for me. Shopping at Kensington Market, nice walk and talk along the Bow River, and a bit of shopping at Eau Claire Market just before they closed. Back to his place for dinner. Then, 1 hour before we had to leave for the airport, he gets a call from Marc, telling us that Nikki (who leave in Victoria, BC) is spontaneously in town! We had a really fast drive to and a quick drink together; it was so good to see her, especially since she won't be at Cold Lake this summer. To the airport, flight at 0050hr (Calgary time). Arrive 0640hr (Toronto time).
June is going to be a long month. I can't really complain though, 'cuz we'll be spending every spare minute of July & August at camp together!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
sorry about the sappiness of this post. But, seeing him, long distance relationship; I think I'm entitled. ;)
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Scam Artist
Yup, that's me! Why? 'Cuz I just got the Chair of my department to drop 2 course requirements for me so that I can: a) not pay any more tuition fees, b) go to law school, c) NOT finish the thesis, yet still d) be able to GRADUATE in June! How did I manage to pull off this Mission Impossible, at a military college, no less? What can I say; I'm just that good! ;)
Actually, I just told a particularly convincing sob story (mostly 'cuz it was all true), about not being able to pay for a summer term, leaving for a posting in Alberta in June, and going to law school in the fall. And the associate chair of the dept is a prof I did an independent study course on military leadership with last year, who also wrote my reference letters for Windsor. He petitioned my case to the Dean, and it's all good now. The only thing left to do is to polish up what I've written so far (all 70 pages) into some sort of recognizable paper for a credit, and I'll be all set. Quite a heist, no?
Actually, I just told a particularly convincing sob story (mostly 'cuz it was all true), about not being able to pay for a summer term, leaving for a posting in Alberta in June, and going to law school in the fall. And the associate chair of the dept is a prof I did an independent study course on military leadership with last year, who also wrote my reference letters for Windsor. He petitioned my case to the Dean, and it's all good now. The only thing left to do is to polish up what I've written so far (all 70 pages) into some sort of recognizable paper for a credit, and I'll be all set. Quite a heist, no?
Monday, May 09, 2005
woohoo!!
Got my Cold Lake contract for the summer today! (about time) I will be spending 2 months (26 June - 20 Aug) in the wonderful province of Alberta, staffing the cadet camp I was posted at last summer, and, most importantly, being there with the boy again! ;)
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Sunny Day
I am sick of hearing myself complain about my thesis. So, even though there is nothing good to report on that front, I am going to stop taking about it. Period.
Beautiful, gorgeous, wish-I-were-tanning-at-a-beach kinda day. I was sitting in the backyard for about half an hour, trying to get some colour on the pale, hidden-all-winter skin. But then I got bored. Went out for sushi for Mother's Day today. For once my mom didn't yell at me for getting her a present, which was nice. Usually it's the damned if you do, damned if you don't variety with gift-giving and her.
I just finished reading Cause Celeb, the book Helen Fielding wrote before the whole Bridget Jones phenomenon. It was a good, fun read, and makes me want to go work in an NGO in Africa for a while. That's how bored I am with my life. Next on the list is Shake Hands with the Devil.
One of my friends does something she calls Joy Sadhana. It is basically an exercise in self-evaluation, and being grateful. Since I've been kinda stick in a bout of negativity lately, I thought maybe I should try it. Nothing like living in an age of self-help ;) So, here we go:
5 Good Things
It is really suppose to be 5 Good Things Today, but I think that's stretching it a little, so I'm just going to generalize to it my life at this point.
1. Windsor - no matter what, I am going to Law School in the Fall, and that's something I'm really happy about. It's not without baggage, between the emotional from my family, the financial from, well, reality, and the occasitional self-doubt about whether I can really do well there. But still, looking forward to it, especially since it's something I've thought about, on and off, for a very long time now.
2. Cadets - I was talking to my cousin yesterday while we went on a bike ride, just about life and growing up and where he should go to university (he is in grade 11), and he asked me whether I've ever thought about what life would be like if I'd never come to Canada. The first thing that came to my mind was cadets. I don't know what my life would have been like if I'd never become a cadet. The organization is undoubtedly the single most important influence in my life, for the past 10 years now. That is not to say that if I'd never gotten involved, I won't have learned the skills or developed the self-confidence through some other means. I'm just tremendously grateful for what it did do for me. 7 years as a cadet, almost 4 as an officer now, and I am still learning everyday.
3. Family - I know, I know, you must think I am crazy to be thankful for my crazy family. But who knows what I would have been like without them? How much of the good in me is because of them? (and, of course, how much of the bad?) For the most part, I like who I am right now. And they have been there from day one, so at least some credit is due there, right?
4. My brain - heh! I'm not saying I'm especially smart or gifted, but at least my brain is a tool and an asset to my life. I know my thinking is weird at times (okay, a lot of the time), but still I'm happy to be able to think those weird thoughts. I read Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time by Mark Haddon a couple weeks ago. If you haven't come across this book yet, go check it out. It might make you grateful for your brain too. Which means, I guess, I should really be protecting it with a helmet or something when I go biking.
5. You - for reading, for participating and acting as a witness to my life. For tidbits of wisdom and the smiles and encouragement. I'm so glad for what the internet has done for us closet introverts, giving us a forum to express those things we'd never say out loud.
3 Things I Did Well
Again, it is suppose to be specific to 'today', but, in general:
1. This - I'm glad I took the time to take stock of my life. It's not when life is going well that you need faith, right?
2. Teach - whether it's math class or cadets, in the classroom or in the interaction, I feel like I'm contributing to my students' lives. Positively.
3. Calgary - haven't really done this yet, but at least I'm planning to go. I want something, and I'm going to try to get it. For myself. I know that I've not really good at doing things for myself. I mean, I have no trouble shopping, or slacking off, but the last couple months especially, I've had to really challenge myself in considering what matters in my life. I've had to force myself to take ownership more, and shape my life instead of react to things that are happening to me. So, even though some vocal people in my life have expressed their disapproval of this trip, I'm going to go. Sometimes you just have to risk wearing your heart on your sleeve.
Beautiful, gorgeous, wish-I-were-tanning-at-a-beach kinda day. I was sitting in the backyard for about half an hour, trying to get some colour on the pale, hidden-all-winter skin. But then I got bored. Went out for sushi for Mother's Day today. For once my mom didn't yell at me for getting her a present, which was nice. Usually it's the damned if you do, damned if you don't variety with gift-giving and her.
I just finished reading Cause Celeb, the book Helen Fielding wrote before the whole Bridget Jones phenomenon. It was a good, fun read, and makes me want to go work in an NGO in Africa for a while. That's how bored I am with my life. Next on the list is Shake Hands with the Devil.
One of my friends does something she calls Joy Sadhana. It is basically an exercise in self-evaluation, and being grateful. Since I've been kinda stick in a bout of negativity lately, I thought maybe I should try it. Nothing like living in an age of self-help ;) So, here we go:
5 Good Things
It is really suppose to be 5 Good Things Today, but I think that's stretching it a little, so I'm just going to generalize to it my life at this point.
1. Windsor - no matter what, I am going to Law School in the Fall, and that's something I'm really happy about. It's not without baggage, between the emotional from my family, the financial from, well, reality, and the occasitional self-doubt about whether I can really do well there. But still, looking forward to it, especially since it's something I've thought about, on and off, for a very long time now.
2. Cadets - I was talking to my cousin yesterday while we went on a bike ride, just about life and growing up and where he should go to university (he is in grade 11), and he asked me whether I've ever thought about what life would be like if I'd never come to Canada. The first thing that came to my mind was cadets. I don't know what my life would have been like if I'd never become a cadet. The organization is undoubtedly the single most important influence in my life, for the past 10 years now. That is not to say that if I'd never gotten involved, I won't have learned the skills or developed the self-confidence through some other means. I'm just tremendously grateful for what it did do for me. 7 years as a cadet, almost 4 as an officer now, and I am still learning everyday.
3. Family - I know, I know, you must think I am crazy to be thankful for my crazy family. But who knows what I would have been like without them? How much of the good in me is because of them? (and, of course, how much of the bad?) For the most part, I like who I am right now. And they have been there from day one, so at least some credit is due there, right?
4. My brain - heh! I'm not saying I'm especially smart or gifted, but at least my brain is a tool and an asset to my life. I know my thinking is weird at times (okay, a lot of the time), but still I'm happy to be able to think those weird thoughts. I read Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time by Mark Haddon a couple weeks ago. If you haven't come across this book yet, go check it out. It might make you grateful for your brain too. Which means, I guess, I should really be protecting it with a helmet or something when I go biking.
5. You - for reading, for participating and acting as a witness to my life. For tidbits of wisdom and the smiles and encouragement. I'm so glad for what the internet has done for us closet introverts, giving us a forum to express those things we'd never say out loud.
3 Things I Did Well
Again, it is suppose to be specific to 'today', but, in general:
1. This - I'm glad I took the time to take stock of my life. It's not when life is going well that you need faith, right?
2. Teach - whether it's math class or cadets, in the classroom or in the interaction, I feel like I'm contributing to my students' lives. Positively.
3. Calgary - haven't really done this yet, but at least I'm planning to go. I want something, and I'm going to try to get it. For myself. I know that I've not really good at doing things for myself. I mean, I have no trouble shopping, or slacking off, but the last couple months especially, I've had to really challenge myself in considering what matters in my life. I've had to force myself to take ownership more, and shape my life instead of react to things that are happening to me. So, even though some vocal people in my life have expressed their disapproval of this trip, I'm going to go. Sometimes you just have to risk wearing your heart on your sleeve.
Monday, May 02, 2005
Who Am I Kidding?
Okay, I am officially freaking out now. I don't know why this didn't happen earlier, but it is hitting me full force now. I have been sitting in front of my laptop for 3 hours, and gotten absolutely nothing done. Never mind not writing anything new - I haven't even gotten around to opening the word document. I am just so ... scared to go through this crap again. Because, I guess, I didn't think it was bad the first time I wrote it, and now I have to accept that it all merits a rewrite. I don't know how to do it any differently from this! I have never really revised anything before. Write the paper, hand it in. I am seriously having a crisis of confidence now. Does this mean that all the other papers I have written in the past 5 years all should have been rewritten too? I mean, obviously I am not going to do that, but it says a lot about the quality of my writing, no? And writing is all I know how to do! I have never considered myself a writer, but a grad student who can't write competently - what good is that? The ability to express your idea clearly through the written word is the only thing that can justify how I've been spending the past 6 years. Otherwise I might has well have gotten married and have babies and raise a family or whatever. How the hell am I going to get through law school if I can't even do something I've been working on all year well?
A part of me just want to give up this degree. I am serious. I really don't care anymore. Except then how can I justify the hell that was last year? What do I tell myself all those other papers I've agonized over are for? I remember a term from first year economics: sunk loss. Bascially, don't throw good money after bad. So regardless of last year, I should just stop investing in this degree I cared nothing for in the first place. I just want to go away and start doing something new. Anything but write another word on prisoners of war. I don't have a single original idea left.
A part of me just want to give up this degree. I am serious. I really don't care anymore. Except then how can I justify the hell that was last year? What do I tell myself all those other papers I've agonized over are for? I remember a term from first year economics: sunk loss. Bascially, don't throw good money after bad. So regardless of last year, I should just stop investing in this degree I cared nothing for in the first place. I just want to go away and start doing something new. Anything but write another word on prisoners of war. I don't have a single original idea left.
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