dismal balance of my life

***caution: angry rant ahead***

Why does one part of my life have to go so terribly wrong when another part is so good? Is my life some kind of miserable zero sum game? Why can't things go well for more than a few days?

My soul seems to be the price of rent living at my uncle/grandma's house. And I'm sorry, but my soul is not for sale, or even rent. Why do they say that they are treating me like an adult, when all they wanted to do is yell at me like I'm a petulant child? Tonight was not the first time I've thought about moving out, but it is certainly the night that I have thought most seriously about it.

How is it my fault that my mom is psychotic/depressed? How is it my problem that my sister is dating a black guy? How is it my responsibility that my parents' marriage is a sham from day one? What the hell do they want from me? I'm working three jobs and trying to write a thesis at the same time; how can I support my mom and sister when I can't even support myself? My two week pay cheques are less than what they spend gambling daily. Yet they can't understand why I can't be financially indepedent after I've graduate.

Is it so wrong to want something more for my life? It is being selfish to want to go to law school? It is insanely ridiculous to not take some generic receptionist job because I want to believe that I can actually build a career that will give meaning to my life?

Is it wrong to dream?

I have nothing left to give - I'm just emotionally drained.

Joyeux Noel

That's the extent of my studying for the upcoming French aptitude test. It is ever going to be a disaster.

Anyway, Merry Christmas to everybody! I hope you had a much better family dinner than I did. Not that mine was horrible. It is just that not everyone was there, and getting together just seems less significant now that we are home all the time, instead of 'home for the holidays'. I kinda miss the special treatment. ;)

We did have a nice time opening presents around the tree though. The funniest part was my grandma getting totally engrossed in the Ripley's Believe it or Not book that I brought for my 16 year old cousin. She made my sister sit and translate the entire 200 page book to her. I guess it is a good thing that she liked the yellow fleece vest my sister and I bought her as well. Never thought of my grandma as a Ripley's fan.

I got two books, a journal/letter note pad, a Lord of the Rings calendar, a pink top, gift certificates, spa stuff, and an air freshener (yes, my uncle is weird). But the best thing this Christmas definitely didn't come gift wrapped. =)

The Phantom of the Opera

Most of you know that I would pay money to see a blue screen with puppets in sweatpants sing Phantom, as long as it is sung well. It is my favourite musical, and the score that we played in my last parade as a cadet in Toronto to, and the pieces my squadron band played their freestyle routine to when they won the regional band competition in the following year. So, you could say that this movie was a sure-win for me regardless. But I was not just pleased, I was awed. It was BEAUTIFUL. Hauntingly so. Go see it.

As good as it was though, real life is better tonight. ;)

botox for the blog

hope you like the new look!

dating advice

"Well, it seems to me that the best relationships-- the ones that last-- are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with."

So is it unwise to start a relationship before a major holiday? I mean, it is doesn't work out, you'll remember it every time December rolls around from now on for the rest of your life.

On the other hand, if is does, it may just be the best Christmas ever.

(10 points for identifying the sources of the quote)

nurturing a young blog

My sister just started blogging. Of course, because of her superior html skills, she's already got things bouncing on her page. Please visit and leave a comment to help her little bloglet along. Thanks!

aubergine dreams

questions
Nikki says that we should ask our friends to ask us three questions, to find out what they want to know about us. So here is my offer: ask me any three questions, and I will give you the best answers I possibly can.

a little joy in sadness

Who would cry when they hear Joy to the World? Or say along with faraway looks to Danny Boy? My cadets played a Christmas concert at a seniors' home yesterday, and it is just so sad. I mean, they played well, and the residents seemed to enjoy the music, but it is just sad seeing them there. The home is a little off the highway, but it just seemed like the world has forgotten them, and didn't want to be inconvenienced anymore, and so have quarantined them there. I know that the staff provide excellent care, and many need around the clock help that their adult children probably couldn't provide, but still. It is like my little haphazard band was the highlight of their day, and perhaps week. I kinda want to practice there every week, to bring some joy to their lives. Throughout the hour we were there, we saw visitors come and go, and it was snowing outside, so it really began to look like Christmas. But you have to wonder what Christmas at a home would be like. Maybe a little like spending Christmas stationed on a military base far from home. Except for these old people that our world has forgotten, where is home?

it's beginning to look a lot like...

yeah, snow season. Or, whatever you call it.

Have you ever had a day when you wake up feeling that something is going to happen? Not dreading that it's something bad, just something unexpected? I dunno, that's how I felt today. I woke up an hour early (don't worry, I didn't actually get out of bed), and the whole day has just been as if I'm anticipating something. I half-expected to get a phone call or something. I have no idea. I guess it's only 5:30pm, something could still happen. I'll let you know.

The Magical Power of Apple Cinnamon Tea

Unfortunately, not as potent as I'd hoped. I am so tired lately, because I'm picking up so many extra shifts due to all the undergrads writing exams. I don't begrudge them, 'cuz I know people made allowances for me when I was going through Mac, but (sigh). Just tired.

thesis
My thesis proposal finally got approved today. No revision required, which is great, but that also mean that they were just dragging their feet in signing off on it. Plus, now they are going to actually cash my tuition cheque. argh! Don't they know I need to buy Christmas presents?! And now that it's approved, I have to do actual work. (sigh)

federal gov't
Got a call from Ottawa yesterday inviting me to stage two of the selection process for the management trainee program. A 6 hour assessment on 'core competencies'. Then, the lady asked if I was bilingual, and somehow through my mumbling about grade nine French and working in a bilingual camp this past summer, she surmised that I should take a French aptitude test. Disaster awaits.

happy thoughts
Whether you are writing exams, papers, stressed about work, stressed about life, getting depressed or getting over an ex, here're my *happy thoughts* to you. Santa will still made the rounds, no matter what else is happening. =)

One Hour Wait

$75?! Yup, that's how much a driver license renewal costs now in Ontario. Plus, you have to wait for an hour in a line with 40 people in front of you. Not a fun way to spend even a fraction of your day off. Also, they've always listed my first name as 'S', and they aren't willing to change it without my birth certificate, though of course it was initially a typo on their part. They won't even take my military ID as proof. (sigh) Hope the picture will at least turn out okay.

happy day

Today I had the day off work, so I made a pilgrimage to Hamilton. I absolutely love that one hour drive. Every road sign brings back wonderful memories of undergrad. But this little trip also had purpose. First, I had lunch with walekim at the new cafe. Well, it was new to me, 'cuz I haven't been on campus since convocation. Mac has so much money; there are new buildings and signs everywhere, with other projects on the go. Anyway, lunch was nice. It was more than nice. ;)

Then, I went to drop off snarky_freak's birthday present, which proved to be more adventurous then I had anticipated. Turns out that no one in her department really knows where her office is, 'cuz she doesn't hang out there much. So I wandered between the 3 floors of the department, asking every grad student on the way where she could be. I know I could have called first, but then it wouldn't have been a surprise. Even her supervisor didn't know where her office is, so I left the gift in the departmental office.

Next stop, Registrar's Office to check on transcripts. But as luck with have it, I ran into who I was looking for, which was nice. (though I think I freaked her out a little by just strolling down the hall on campus) Transcripts done, I went to visit my supervisor for the student program I ran for two years. Then, I dropped by my thesis advisor's office too. He said that he'll look into getting my thesis published. Of course, he has been saying that for 3 years now, but hopefully something will still come out of it. Last stop, Mills Library to "do some research" to justify my trip. I photocopied some articles.

I miss Mac. The four years had its up and downs, but I can only remember the good stuff. And being back there just makes me hope *that much more* that this law school thing will work out, so I can be back in that kinda environment. I know it won't be the same, but still.

Grand finale of the day: it was the cadets annual banquet tonight, and I got promoted to a full Lieutenant. Promotions were much more exciting as a cadet, but still, happy day.

To the Rescue

A couple years ago, I had this little thought experiment to indulge my ego. I just thought of it again the other day. Play along!

So, what you have to do is imagine that you are asked to save the world (I know, I know! Keep playing!) . Then, you have to ask yourself, who would you ask to help with you? In essense, you are drafting your own dream team, to save the world with you. Obviously an important task, so give it some serious thought. Who would you choose to be your right (/dominant/) hand person? What about the other hand? Who would you trust the children with? Who would be your liasion/public affairs person? Media control? Crowd control? First aid? Translator? See - it's fun! Well, mostly I think it's a telling exercise, about who I trust, what my friends' talents are, and what are my own shortcomings. Do you choose the experts, or your friends? I find it a fun way to evaluate where I stand in my relationships.

Go head, tell me I'm crazy. I would not object.

My sister says that I change in the morning at an incredible speed. I tell her, if only I had a phone booth, I can be a superhero.

Starry Night

A meteor shower, coming to a night sky near you tonight:

The Leonid Meteor Shower

The Edge of Reason

Love, love, love this movie! It was so funny, and touching, and basically chicken soup for the single's soul. And COLIN FIRTH! [girlish squeal of glee!] I don't want to give anything away, 'cuz all of you should GO OUT AND SEE THIS MOVIE. Be warned though, there are some major artistic license taken that makes it different from the book. But the stuff that makes a good book are different from that which makes a good movie, imo. I'm up for seeing it again with anyone who's interested.

Where are all the Mark Darcys in real life?


OT
Have anyone ever said something nice to you, but you wish that it came from someone else? Then you are left feeling like a totally bad person, 'cuz they are your friend, and they are being nice, and you are their friend, thus you should appreciate that they are doing something nice. Except you can't help wishing that it was someone else saying that to you.

done! & done!

Done! is that dreaded paper on hostage negotiation (though now the prof wants to discuss it - eek!)

Done! are all of my out-of-province law school applications - yay!! No more pandering and begging on personal statements!

Still waiting: for thesis proposal to be approved.

Going to see Bridget Jones' Diary II: Edge of Reason with my sister now. Will update again later with deeper thoughts that do not originate from sheer relief of freedom.

Finding Me

Stolen from moonray's site:


Crush!


Which 'Finding Nemo' Character are you most like?
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that paper

Remember that paper I was writing on hostage negotiation, like 6 months ago? Yeah, still writing it. (Indep study is the bane of all procrastinators) I've decided that I need the accountability to all of you by posting it here, and the possibility of public shame should I let you down, to be my last resort motivation. I MUST get that stupid thing done this week. The sad thing is, it isn't even any good. I really don't care about the topic anymore, though it was so cool back in May.

Alfie!

No, this is not an endorsement, but a surgeon general's warning to NOT see this movie. Yes, Jude Law is eye candy, but No, this does not have a plot. Yes, it was Susan Sarandon, but No, she does not appear for more than 5 minutes. Yes, I had some expectations for it, and No, they were not met. fat_sime can attest to all that. Trust me, it's not worth it. Wait for the other 10 Jude Law movies to come out.

The W: Part Two

I am definitely staying in school for another 3/4 years. Don't feel ready to fully participate in a world run by the dubya for another term. Is the "devil you know" etc. thing really true then? How can a country re-elect someone so many are against? Do we, as people, just like to complain, while being secretly complacent about whatever is going on as long as it doesn't interfer with our internet connection?

*waving fondly*

Farewell Ontario Law School Applications! Godspeed on your journeys! May you find your way to the hands of a sympathetic Admissions Officer, and bring me some good news in March! Buh-bye!

your input, please?

Why do I want to study law?

Of all the questions to get stuck on in my application, this has to be the one.

Do you think the admissions people would sympathesize if I say I just need to get out of my house? Out of the city? Maybe the province? Should I say that I have no idea, except that I know just don't want to work yet? Should I talk about reading John Grisham in high school? Oh man, I'm such an unfocused and delusional applicant. Please help?

HA!

FINALLY something to smile about!

(I just got my LSAT score)

one day

"When you are close to tears remember,
Someday it will all be over
One day, we're gonna get, so high"

I heard this song at work today that I haven't since probably high school, and it just made me smile. I loved this song, and there is nothing quite like hearing an old favourite. Best of all, I can remember how I felt when I first heard this song when I was 16/17. I've been singing it all day.

"Don't you think it's time we started,
Doing what we've always wanted?"
- High, by Lighthouse Family

shady days

Have you heard that new Jacksoul song? Heard it on the radio today. I'm kinda ambivalent about this weather. Usually 'overcast' or 'cloudy' doesn't bother me, so I'm not sure what's happening. I'm not sure why I even need to decide whether I like the weather or not. It's coming up to November, and that's always the most depressing time of year for me. Though, it wasn't too bad last year. But that could be because I was just having a bad year anyway. I need something to be happy about. I mean, I'm just drifting in this indifference that's starting to drain my soul. Okay, too overdramatic. Must snap out of this.

dasani water

What is the secret ingredient of dasani water? Why does it taste different from others? I know that I prefer distilled to spring water, which means that I don't like the taste of minerals or whatever else originate from a spring but somehow gets 'distilled' out, right? But see, on the dasani bottle, it says, 'remineralized water'. What the hell does that mean? So they took out the minerals, and then put it back in? Which means that I shouldn't like dasani water. But I do! So the possibility is that they take out the mineral, somehow change it, and then put it back in in a different form, altered in quality or quantity?

That's not all. It has also undergone 'reverse osmosis'. So, something in low concentration has been forced through a semi-permeable membrane into a high concentration (reminds me of the Na-K pumps that I vaguely remember from 1st year bio). But what exactly has been forced? Minerals? So, I like the taste of a high concentration of minerals, but not low.

Next phrase: "non-carbonated" Okay, easy enough - no carbons. Non-pop.

"Total dissolved solids". Shouldn't it be 'total-ly dissolved solids". And what kinda water, even before distillating, 'springing', or reverse osmosising, has solids? Where does Coke get this water from? Icebergs?

"< 35 ppm" how much less? If you are going to use a "<" sign, shouldn't you at least try to specify a range? Honestly, 0 ppm is less than 35 ppm too.

"Fluoride ions: 0 ppm" Well, thanks for letting us that it doesn't exist in the bottle. Real useful stuff.

Okay, I'm done ranting now.

TV Rec's

I never watched much TV in high school, but of course all that changed as soon as I moved into Mac residence. There are fun shows, educational shows, shows that make you feel smart because it uses big words, and just pure guilty pleasure ones. Here are my picks:

New Series
Jack & Bobby (Sun, 8pm, The New VR)
The Boy Who Would Become King; I mean, the President of the US. There are voices from the future reflecting on the McCallister Administration in 2049, but the majority of the hour is devoted to the present day, in which Bobby is only 14 or so, living with an overbearing professor mother, and a smart, caring, nice and *hot* older brother. It's like an alternate The West Wing. Some of the dialogue is kinda preachy, but I guess that's why I like TWW. Plus, I'm a sucker for kids born to fulfill a destiny/prophecy, etc. I suppose everyone is born to do something. It just makes a better story when you know what that is.

Desperate Housewives (Sun, 7pm, CTV)
I thought it was a weird concept, but decided to check it out anyway. Everytime I see Teri Hatcher I think of Lois Lane, and all those Superman episodes. Anyway, it has a dead-voice-from-the-past narrator, with a suburban mid-age Nancy Drew twist. Cracks me up. And please never let me become one of those Stepford people.

Medical Investigation (Fri, 10pm, CTV)
This one, you've *got* to see. It's like the love child between CSI & ER, with a fling added in movies like Outbreak. Each week the medical team investigates a strange disease and of course figures it out. I keep expecting Kelli Williams to show up in a courtroom a la The Practice. The lead character is this cocky doctor dude, but of course with a troubled family life (which TV character doesn't?) My favourite part of each show is when Dr. Connor (with his fluorescent hair) recreates the scenario of the disease in his mind, and we see everything in wavy, greenish dreamlike sequences, that gets rewinded when he changes his assessments.

Check 'em out!

Old Series
The West Wing (Wed, 9pm, CTV)
Even though last year was a pretty big flop with the departure of creator Aaron Sorkin, there were a few episodes that really made up for it. I hope it gets better this year, and that the new writers will have finally hit their stride, or NBC just allows it a merciful and quick death so as to not diminish the earlier seasons.

ER (Thurs, 10pm, CTV)
I can't help it - as long as there is Dr. Kovac, I'm there.

The O.C. (Thurs, 8pm, CTV)
heh - guilty pleasure. Why does it premiere so late?!

Nip/Tuck (various, 10pm, CTV)
Season Two finale this Friday. Or maybe it's a repeat? I dunno, I didn't have TV all summer. Anyway, I've already raved about this in one of my very first posts. Although some of the scenes are getting really gruesome - like tonight's.

Others
I also catch some of Joey (I really want to like this one, but sometimes it just feels like empty calories), Friends reruns, Will & Grace, and the only 'reality' show that I watch, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Oh

This is why my thesis is going nowhere. ;)

dumb gene

One of my friends from this summer was driving from Montreal to Vancouver, and stopped by here to visit with people from camp. It was really nice to catch up and see what everyone has been up to for the past month since going home. Then she asks, "How's Calgary?"

ouch

So, (I know this is bad), in a moment of weakness, I sent him a text message yesterday. Just a "I miss you". And a couple of hours later, he sends back "I miss you too". Ouch, ouch, ouch. I know I should have just left well enough alone, but now...

Why do we do such stupid things in relationships? Why do we always have the answers when it's our friends or sisters involved, but fail to be level-headed and rational at all when it comes to our own? It's like the scenarios that you yell at your TV for, telling the character not to go through with self destructive acts. Is love the catalyst that turns on the dumb gene?

lsat
Such a relief for that to be done. I was physically in pain sitting and writing for that many hours. I feel pretty good about it, and I guess I'll find out in 3 weeks whether my euphoria is justified.

work
Doing an overnight shift to set up new promotion displays. Should be interesting.

Mind/Matter

It's been over a week, so at some point, I've just got to decide to move on and stop thinking about it. Thanks to everyone for listening and for advice - I really appreciate both. Though for now I don't have plans to fly out, I'll keep you guys posted if that changes. I'm done being mad, frustrated, confused, hurted, disappointed. Just a little sad, but very, very grateful to have so many fantastic people in my life.

LSAT
Test on Saturday. AH!! Actually, I'm not really that worked up about it. Maybe I'm just been otherwise preoccupied, or just have written a bunch of standardized tests, or just don't really think I'll get into a law program. Anyway, whatever is suppose to happen, will happen.

Chapters
I really had no idea how much work goes into running such a seemingly relaxed place. I really like it though. I learned how to set up a display table today. Obviously, it's not rocket science. But it's really fun. I also got to decorate a wall/shelf with Halloweeny kids stuff. Feeling a little spooky? I'm going help run a Halloween program there too, on the Friday before.

G1
My cousin just got his G1, and so I took him driving around the neighbourhood when he got home from school. He is not bad at all, and surprisingly careful for a 16 year old guy. We even did traffic lights and a three point turn =)

For Fun

Michelle Kai was a Sweet Rocket Scientist in a past life. Discover your past lives @ Quiz Me

who would have thought?

Discover your Zodiac Personality @ Quiz Me

It's all gone to hell

What do you do when someone tells you that they have a brain disease, don't know how long they are going to live, but is refusing treatment , and want nothing to do with you, all because they love you? Do you respect what they want and wish them well, or do you keep banging your head against the brick wall of their resolve? And what if after a shouting match over the phone, they email to say they will always love you not even an hour after you say the worst goodbye in your life? What if they follow up with a text message that says that they love you and miss you at 3am in the morning?

Do you walk away to save your own sanity, and then wonder the rest of your life if there was more that you could have done? Do you fly out to try to sort this out, even though they expressedly said no? How do you keep from feeling angry, even though you know they are just trying to make you mad to get you to go away? How do you keep from feeling infinite sadness that there is nothing you can do for them? How do you convince them that they are worth loving, when they hate themself? How do you keep yourself from feeling guilty for wondering if any of what they said was true? Is it any wonder that you are now convinced that this summer was just a dream?

they say on the radio

that it's the last day of summer.

And this summer romance isn't looking too good...

Simple Life

no, not the show. I just had a revelation today. Well, more like a self-actualization, or whatever. It was my second day working at Chapters (I'm in the children's department). I really wanted a job that was going to be completely different from, you know, writing my thesis, so I thought this will be an ideal fit. And it is - I really enjoyed today. But the trouble is, I think I am completely seduced by the simplicity of it. I can't believe that I can get money from shelving books, and helping customers run title/author searches. It just seemed too simple. (I know some of this is going to sound very elitist and snobbish, and I apologize). I totally don't know why I am slaving away, writing papers that I don't care about. I've always thought that I wanted a job that will be challenging, mentally engaging, and even stressful. But you know what? I'm perfectly happy selling books. Really. I mean, I guess I would get tired of it after a while. But right now, I am so tempted to give up school and just work. Everyday, someone telling me what to do, no original thought required, sound so good. I know I'm a slack student, but really, maybe I'm just not cut out for grad school. I wish I wasn't smart enough to get by without really trying. If I'm just a little smarter, maybe it wouldn't be so hard. If I'm just a little dumber, I wouldn't delude myself into applying for a Ph.D. program next year. Maybe I'm just trying too hard to make something work, that wasn't meant to. Which brings me to my next topic:

boy
I've never really been in a relationship that's not long-distance, so I guess I really have no basis for comparison. But really, is it just naive for me to think that something can work out base on knowing someone in the totally contrived environment of camp for two months? It's not that my feelings have changed. Everything that's worth doing should require work, so why should a relationship be any different, right?


I'm just so tired. I just wish everything was a little easier. I'm not a whiner, or quitter, and I know I'll see this year through no matter what. I just wish I can get a glimpse of where I will be this time next year, to give me a little more courage to carry on tomorrow.

Sparrow of my Nap

Okay, most of you know that I am blind as a bat without my glasses/contact lenses, right? So today, around 3pm, I decided to take a nap, 'cuz I was out late last night, and early this morning. Actually, my eyelids decided to take a nap - I didn't have much say in it. Anyway, I was sleeping on my bed in the basement, and I thought I heard the flapping of ... something. I was still tired, and more than half asleep, so the best course of action was, of course, to just ignore it and return to blissful oblivion. Nap was again interrrupted. Same course of action followed. This happened around 3-4 times until I actually opened my eyes, and saw wings. WINGS?! I forced my eyes open, snatched my glasses, and peered around. Nothing. I used my desk lamp as a flashlight and looked around some more, semi-sleuthly. Still nothing. Just as I was about to return to sleep, fluttering ensued. Okay, so I got up finally. And there it was - a little brown sparrow, with no business being in anyone's basement, sitting prim as a doll, on the edge of the bed. Luckily I've been advised before on how to capture birds without harming them (you throw a towel on them), so after a few minutes, I was successful in return it to the great expanse of the backyard. I'd bet the little fellow was glad. It sucks living in the basement - I know. Anyway, that was my little adventure with a member of the City Wildlife Basement Inspection Squad. I guess stranger things have happened.

But not to me.

freakin' rain!!

Spent five hours on the 401 today, driving to Kingston and back. Woke up at 6am, left the house at 6:20am, and did not anticipate having to walk in at 9:15am for a 9:00am orientation meeting. The Dean of Graduate Studies was speaking as I walked in too. Plus, there was a two-star general in the room, never mind another whole slew of senior officers. (sigh). I'd bet no one else had to drive in from Toronto though.

On the brighter side, I met the prof who I want to supervise my thesis, and she is really nice. One of my other profs from last year is also the acting chair of the department this year, so that's kinda nice. Two words: Reference Letter!

first years
The frosh looked so young at RMC. Barely older than some of my cadets this summer. Which, come to think of it, is probably true. They are all around the same age. Am I getting old?! Even the upper year taking them around looked young.

frosh reps
The rain was washing the paint off the Queens' reps jumpsuits. How sad is that? Having planned a frosh week, I know how much work goes into it, and how much you pray for good weather. Freakin' tornado - go away!

Fresh Start

Good luck to everyone starting school tomorrow, or some time this week. September has always been my favourite month (yes, I'm a nerd). But really, no tests, no papers due, fresh pencils and new teachers to impress. =)

Everything seems possible, and life is good.

Getting to Okay

To anyone who might have been wondering about the last two posts, things have definitely turned a corner. So it's, like the title suggests, 'getting to okay'. Don't really want to dwell on it, so it's not something I really want to talk about right now. Eventually though, I'll tell the story to anyone interested.

no, not me
I can't believe it, but I am going to be one of those Math Teachers at Chinese School that kids love to hate so much. Yup, that's right. For the next year, you will find me teaching a bunch of Chinese kids mathematics on Saturday mornings from 9am-10am. My way of, uh, giving back to the Chinese community. Yeah, sure, whatever. It is a paid position though, so I guess I shouldn't complain.

cadets
Going back to the squadron where spent five years growing up as a kid, and left five years ago. Working there as an officer now is going to be interesting, to say the least.

Hope everyone is enjoying their long weekend. Or, as I'd like to call it, the calm before the storm. ;)

life

I never realized what I can do...

until I had to do it.

last night/this morning

a really, really bad night...

go! go! -

Power Rangers Movie!

What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
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lost kid

I was a Square One today, had lunch with a friend, and we were just hanging out in the mall for a bit. When we got to Wal-Mart, our last stop, we saw a little boy crying. Maternal instincts kicked in, and we quickly ascertained that the kid's lost his parents. We found the manager with the red vest, and she thanked us. Afterwards we saw the kid reunited with his parents.

Do you remember ever getting lost as a kid? It was freakin' frightening, huh? I still remember once just as my family moved into a new block, I took a wrong turn, and was scared as hell. I was probably only out of sight of my mom for all of 2 minutes, not even enough time for her to realize that I was gone, but I still remember that kinda cold dread. Plus, another time, I didn't get picked up after school for an extra hour, and a nice lady came up to comfort me while I was crying my eyes out (I was in grade two). But I still had the presence of mind to wonder whether she was evil. (Hey, I was a smart kid!)

I don't think we ever feel quite as intensely as we do as a kid anymore. Pity. Life would be more interesting with more raw emotions. Perhaps.

The Wedding

It was so beautiful. Even the little haphazardness seemed to add to its charm. Although, if I have things my way, my own wedding won't have those little glitches. Anyway, the whole thing was just so nice - I want to get married! Doesn't even matter to whom, I would just like to participate in the whole exercise. I think it would be fun. ;)

The bride's dad is a pastor, and he performed the ceremony. Then, she played the piano while the groom sang. One line of the lyric was (roughly translated) "I still believe in love that's forever/Having met you is enough". To be fair, it did look like a stressful event for the couple, but the sheer joy was just unparalleled to anything I've ever seen.

At the dinner reception, they played several games with the new couple, one of which was that the bride had to pick out the groom by only his index finger from 10 other guys. And she picked correctly. I don't know - I just thought it was the cutest thing. (yes, the games were all very tame, having at least 5 pastors in attendance and many of the guests were from church) The bride changed 3 times over the course of dinner.

I'm just feeling very lovey-dovey tonight, having witnessed something so beautiful. Has anyone else ever daydreamed about their wedding?

dog days of summer

I've been home for a week already, but I'm still exhausted. Everytime I open a book, I just fall asleep. It is so muggy and humid here compared to Alberta. I feel really lethargic and useless.

Or maybe the problem is that I'm just really feeling directionless and 'ungrounded' from life. Everyone seems to be returning to more worthy pursuits than I am. I mean, for the first time in, I don't know, 20 years? I'm not going back to school. I mean, I am, but I'm not physically moving to another city like I've done for 5 years now, or attending classes. I don't know if I have the conviction to see this thesis thing through for an entire year. Maybe I'll just be a grad school drop-out. Has a nice ring to it, no?

wedding
Attending a wedding of someone I barely know tomorrow. Not that I mind, it just seems a little strange. I've always thought that people get married in early summer. Of course, my knowledge of matrimony derives primarily from Hollywood, so really, I have no idea. I suppose a late summer ceremony would be nice. I think an autumn one would be even better. Nothing like a Halloweeny wedding. ;)

14-year-old brat
That's what I feel and behave like whenever I am at home. I don't know why I do it, I just can't seem to keep from acting that way. I know it's totally immature, and rationally should be under my control, but really, I don't know. I think living with your parents bring out the worst in you.

congrats
One of my friends just successfully defended her thesis. You know who you are! Mucho kudos

not in love

I really didn't think I was. I mean, all summer, I was thinking, "This relationship is nice, I really like him, but it's not like being in love". The only thing I have to compare it to is before, but this is completely different circumstances as with Luke. So if it is different, can you still call it the same thing? Or was I not in love with Luke before? Some part of me really resent the fact that this relationship thing is turning me into an irrational mess of ... irrationality. The better part of me knows that there is nothing else I'd rather be wondering/worrying about.

So I know it is completely foolish to be in love with someone 3 provinces away. Completely nonsensical to think about him every two and a half minutes. Completely school-girlish to smile at sappy love songs. What the hell is wrong with me?

Do I just don't want to believe it, 'cuz I'm afraid it'd disappear if I really cared?

Cupid must be having a field day.

note: please email me all blog/livejournal url. My laptop got formatted. thx

wonders of tech

who would have thought that one text message could make me so happy? or, you know, ten in a row =)

home again

Just got home yesterday evening. Would love to see you all. I've got pictures to show and stories to tell! Email me.

Graduation Parade

My flight swept the awards categories, 18 awards including 10 of the 12 provincial medal. Unforgettable. Top Flight of the 50th Anniversary of the Senior Leaders Course.

...

This is the best summer of my life. I don't know how to say goodbye on Saturday.

Top Flight

Every week, one of the nine Senior Leaders Course flights (group of about 30 cadets each) is selected as Top Flight for the week, based on uniform & room inspections, academics, morale, etc. And this morning, the MC's of the inspection announced the Top Flight as C2. I heard it, but I couldn't quite process it. In all my years in cadets, the flights that I've belonged to have never won anything. But today, the Top Flight is C2, and I am their Flight Commander. I have hardly stopped smiling all day.

Flight Name
I think I mentioned before that my flight's name is Defiant, and they have finally 'earned' the right to use it today. After the parade, we (the flight staff) kept them back, and have them face the flight line. We gave the command "C2 Flight, Stand at Ease", and then "Defiant Flight, Attention". You should have seen the smiles that broke out. And the cheer afterwards.

Two weeks
Only two weeks left. In exactly two weeks, I will be at home, wondering where the past two months went. I've loved every moment of it, even the crazy hospital runs past midnight. This is the best summer I've had in so long, and the best weeks I've had in at least two years. I don't want to say that I think I deserve it after the past two years, but it's really, really nice to finally catch a break. The only thing is, of course, going home means most of the goodness gained here will be lost, or at least changed. And I can think of at least one reason why going home is going to suck. Well, one person, to be more precise.

uPdAte

I'm sorry that my last 10 entries were about the boy, but there is really nothing else so exciting to write about. Don't get me wrong, I'm having a fantastic summer. I can't tell you how good a summer I am having. And if you have an idea of what my past couple summers have been, you could guess how happy I am. Just by virtue of working with a leadership instead of technical training course, I'm finding this summer so much more fulfilling.

I mean, sure, of course there are slack co-workers and incompetent bosses, but really, I can't complain. My staff is so efficient and loyal that I couldn't have asked for better. And the cadets i'm responsible for don't freak out and punch holes in walls like some other do. Plus, they even made up an motivational song about me today.

What else? Oh, the base has no hot water for a couple days, while they do repairs. Luckily it does not affect our barracks. Otherwise that would suck.

How is everyone else's summer so far? What's the weather like in southern Ontario?

by any other name

How can you distinguish whether it is the same thing if it feels so different from before?  How would you know anything about it at all?

There was this crazy storm last night that threatened to uproot the trailer-barracks we were sleeping in, but the lightning show was fantastic.  Literally it looked like a seen from a scary movie, backlighting humungous clouds.  Plus, I got someone to watch it with. 

One week
So one of my friends here said to me, "Do you know what day it is?".  And I said, "Christmas?" (next para).  And he goes, "No, it's one week.  At least Rob says so".  I think it's pretty high school to celebrate one week, but it is also kinda sweet for him to mention it to others.  Apparently his Band Staff suggested going out for an ice cream cake to celebrate our one week.  And of course, when others heard about it, they gave us a hard time.

Christmas in July
This is a camp tradition.  We exchange gifts, sing Christmas carols, and even have a turkey dinner in the mess, so celebrate 'Christmas', and usually half way through camp.  My flight made a card for me, and my staff got me a card plus a candle to help light our way, erasers to remind us that no one is perfect, aromatherapy to help reduce stress, and a box of Goldfish cookies to refill my stash.  It was great.  The officer staff also cleared the plates for the cadets after our dinner.  A nice bit of servanthood leadership.

One day leave
I took today off as one of my 3 days of leave, and it's nice to relax  and catch my breath.  Plus, it's beautiful, windy fall weather today after the storm, so it's actually not too hot to hang out in my barracks even, during the day.  I'm going to go get a haircut and go shopping in the afternoon. 

I hope everyone's summer is going well.  Jasmine, if you are reading this, send me an email.  I can't get mine through to you.

missing

I just don't know how it is possible to miss someone if they are only gone for a day.  It is pretty ridiculous and co-dependent, but perhaps relationships bring out the worse sides in me.  I mean, it is not like he has been gone for 24 hours yet, but I've gotten used to seeing him about once every 2 hours, so it feels weird.  He is on a performance trip in Edmonton with the cadet band, and will be back tonight.

So obviously we are trying to keep this discreet, but honestly where can we go?  People having these knowing smirks on their face, but I guess it's all in good fun.  I'm surprised that Luke hasn't said anything to me yet, but then again I suppose I shouldn't be.  And I want to be sure that I'm not starting a relationship in some weird way to deflect the sometimes awkwardness of working with his girlfriend.  Argh, weirdness!

10 months

So he is actually 10 months younger than me.   Should that matter?

boy

Good morning!  I'm up at 5:55 today, 'cuz my kiddies are going swimming!  All this is really fake excitement, 'cuz it's way too early, and I'm waiting for my kids to wake up to go to breakfast.  Anyway, nothing feels too bad when you have a boy who asks you out in a playground.
 
So, this whole thing is really took me my surprise, even though it feels... right as well.  He is a professional musician, and generally not the type that I would look for or consider at all.  But he is just comfortable to be around, and we can talk and talk and talk.  I don't want to sound all sappy and stuff, 'cuz this is not like some head over heels things.  It is just so easy, if you want what I mean.  I don't know how to explain it, except to say that it feels like I've know him for a lot more than 3 weeks.  Maybe it's just the camp environment simulating frequent contact for familiarity; I don't know.  All I know if that he is the frustrated artist/tragic hero type, and who can resist that? 
 
(more later, must take kids now) 

Airshow

This weekend, an Airshow is being held here in Cold Lake.  The last time they had it here was when I was here last; five years ago.  The cadets are going to get to see the Snowbirds, and lots of other cool aerial demonstration.  But it is scorchingly hot.
 
Room
 
So I got my own room again, it's all good.  It is nice to have my own space, and be able to keep it neat.  Plus, I've been moved to the other barrack, which is also where he lives.  So it's easier to be discreet about this developing, whatever-it-is.  He leaves notes under my door.  =)
 
Morale
 
In SLC, the flights have to earn their flight names.  So my flight is named Defiant (after the Cdn aircraft, not the Star Trek one!), but the kids don't know that, 'cuz they have to learn it.  Well, yesterday, we gave them one letter of the name - the E, and you should have seen how excited they were.  It was just incredible, how little psychologically manipulative things like that can work at camp.  Anyway, their motivation reminded me of the reason why I am here, and I'm just so excited myself now.  

Guess...

who has their own room again?  Yay me!! 
 
Plus, a dinner date tonight.  (more later)
 
 

I think...

... I found a boy

Waiting, waiting, waiting

The course cadets are finally here! The First Wave's plane have arrived, but they are still not at my station yet. Soon, very soon, the course will start. Yah!! No more 'indoc' (pre-course training for staff, short for 'indoctrination, so you can imagine the exciting time it was).

Saw a beautiful sunset yesterday. And several rainbows.

Room Switch

So if I had to switch rooms, and gain a roommate, what would be the most unlikely arrangement?

Yup.

Flight Commander

We got our jobs yesterday, and I am going to be a flight commander, same as last year. It wasn't what I asked for, but I am content with the position, nonetheless. Plus, I was assigned to the same flight (section) that I was a course cadet and staff cadet in, so it holds a nice continuity for me. The staff cadets are arriving today and tomorrow, and the course cadet next week. Now that we know our jobs for the summer, I can't wait for the course to start.

Coincidentally though, I'm working with his new girlfriend, who has the same name as me. Plus, the third person we are working with has the same name as his recent ex. What a wacky arrangement.

a little nostalgia

because the last time I was here was five years ago, the summer before I left for school, I can't help feeling a little nostalgic being here again. The same impossibly blue skies, the countless jets streaming overhead every hour, the 15 minutes march to the school... So much have changed, including me of course, but it is still so nice to be back here - the last place of childhood, arguably.

Journey here
The usual delays, the hurry-up-and-wait's, but I got here in one piece, and the flight wasn't terrible, so can't complain. The accommodations are awesome - private bathroom and showers. Still haven't found out what my job is going to be yet, but will soon enough.

Canada Day
Go out and celebrate, even though it's Liberals (eeek!) for another 4 years!


die mosquitos die!

Cold Lake

It's 4am, and I have finally finished my last essay that needed to get done before flying out to Alberta in... 8 hours. Have a great summer, everybody! I will update as often as I can.

i've discovered

that I actually can't live without my notebook anymore. Really, I was physically shaking without it, for the three days that it was in repair. Not that it's fixed now - they say there's something wrong with the motherboard, so it'll take two weeks to be sent to hp to fix. I said I'll do it at another time, and promptly brought my baby home. Now it's back, and I don't have any excuse not to write my paper anymore.

new word
I learned a new word yesterday: plenipotentiary. It means "to have full powers". Cool, huh? I want to be plenipotentiary. heh!

West Wing
I got the Season 2 DVD's in celebration of finishing my war studies papers last week, and have watched the entire 22 episodes by now. It's amazing how you can find time to do things you really want to do.

career choices
Recently I did a questionnaire that's suppose to tell you what careers you are suitable for, according to you interests, skills, level of education, etc. Here are my top eleven ('cuz, well, I can't leave off the 11th one):

1. Office Manager
2. Casting Director
3. Judge
4. Director
5. Fundraiser
6. Foreign Service Officer
7. Hydrologist/hydrogeologist
8. Historian
9. Lobbyist
10. Communication Specialist
11. Professor

What do you think? Can you see me as any one of the above? Yeah, I know - people are suppose to decide this in high school.

Okay, okay - the paper is not going to write itself.

sure, a little girl...

perched on her father like a baby koala bear is cute, but you know what's cuter? The 10-timbit box from Tim Horton's. Really. I ordered a chocolate strawberry tart from the drive-thru, and they give it to me in a timbits box. Except I'm so used to seeing the 20-timbit sized one, that this one appeared exceptionally cute. (I keep wanting to type 'tidbit' instead)

father's day
Called my dad yesterday, and it was good to talk to him. Although, ran out of things to say pretty quickly too. Can't help feeling a twinge of jealousy at all the happy kids going around town with their dad's

notebook trouble
Sorry for the lack of individual reponses and infrequent updates for the next couple days. My notebook is being fixed 'cuz it refuses to charge its battery, and my travel orders to Cold Lake says that it must be fully charged to be inspected before boarding the plane.

packing
Spent a couple hours packing yesterday, just clothes going with me. It was so much easier as a cadet, 'cuz they are only allowed to wear their uniform all summer, so nothing else to pack. Now I have to pack all my summer clothes too - I'm not sure how I'm going to even wheel my suitcase around.

paper
So my prof asked me to drop off a hardcopy of my paper at some random store downtown, 'cuz he's out of the country. Kinda sketchy, I thought. Turns out that he lives in the apartment right above it, and the store collects his mail for him 'cuz he doesn't have a mailbox. It's was a jewelery/assessory shop. Weird.

sleep
So some reason, couldn't sleep at all last night. Finally dozed off at around 6am, and slept for about 6 hours. My day is screwed up already, might as well surrender.

YES!!

Finally, the dreaded War Studies 500 papers are done!! The bane of my existence for the past 10 months have been lifted. Thank God!

Taking a long awaited break before tackling the next one.

slightly more productive

but still not writing nearly fast enough. What's the point of writing papers anyway? It is just a gathering and rearrangement of existing information. It's not like I can come up with something new. It's history, and I didn't live through it! Does anymore really care how the Japanese military has changed since the bomb? Didn't think so. blah!

absolutely not-doing-work day

I decided to not work on any essays today, just to put the panic on tomorrow. I'm so disenchanted with my education lately. Well, I've never been very keen about it to start with, but now I really don't care. It's just draining me out. All I did was go to the library and photocopied the article I needed. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.

camp
One of my friends keep changing his MSN name to reflect the countdown of days 'til camp. Not that I'm not excited about the prospect of 3 square meals prepared for me again everyday, but in light of the 3 essays that must get done,and another one that needs to be started, it's freaking me out a little.

weather
Still no T-Storms. Come on, Weather Man! Wield your power!

Order of the Phoenix
Finished re-reading it today. I've forgotten that 'he' dies... Still in a bit of denial.

Need a good book to keep me distracted so I won't remember that I hate flying on the way to Cold Lake. Any recommendations?

* fingerprinting *

Today I had an appointment on base to renew my military ID (I know, it sounds cool just to say it). And because I've been an officer for more than two years now (3, to be exact), I am entitled to a permanent ID (rather than the temp one that needs renewal every 2 years). So after posing for a formal, unsmiling picture - which we had to retake because one of my collars were sticking out onto the tunic - holding a little white sign with my name on it (hopefully the closest to a mug shot I'll ever need), on to fingerpaint, er, printing! (for all those shouting bloody murder at those run-on sentences, know that I too recognize their folly) So first it's the right thumb, and all the subsequent fingers on that hand. Onto the left. Each finger was made to roll sideways a bit as I 'printed', to get the full range of marks. Then one more non-rolling thumb print on the right, and a 4-finger print too, then on the left, then... repeat the process two more times!! If it'd been coloured ink, I don't think I'd have mind doing it all day! I hope though, that the LSAT fingerprinting process won't be nearly as extensive, or I'll forget everything I need to know and play instead!

Mr. Lego Man
You know who I'm talking about! I found it hilarious that Mr. Harper's PR advisors must have put him in a circular patterned tie to offset the squarishness of, well, the rest of him. Pretty good debate yesterday, though English translation over spoken French was a little hard to follow at times, especially at the 4-person debate segments. Want to hear a little more about everything else besides health care tonight.

Mr. Weather Man
Come on, more rain!!! Bring on the thunder and lightning! I'll watch your allegy and pollen report if you do!

psychoanalysis this!

Today is the US "Flag Day". Last year, at this time, I was in Boca Raton with my family, checking out Florida Atlantic U. This has been the longest year, and at the same time, not really. I leave for Alberta in 13 days. As exciting as that seem, that means I have to finish another 3 papers before that. Ugh.

dream
I had a dream about looking for dominic in my grandma's backyard. Except I started looking for feline-looking rabbits instead. And then I realize that I should looking for cat proper. And then I was a little kid fishing with my family at a beach. They told me that I won't be able to cast my fishing rod that far (being really far back from the water), but I kept trying anyway. After many attempts, I still couldn't throw far enough, though I did throw a lot farther than anyone expected. So then I went right up to the shoreline, and pulled an earthworm out of the sand. I was complimented on using live bait by someone about my (real, not dream-child) age. I waded into the water, and saw that it was really shallow, so that even had I been able to throw my line that far, it would have been useless. The water was really clear too, and I wandered further into a cave-like thing (it looks like those cave things that your amusement ride boats take you through before the final plunge, or, you know, like the Rainforest Cafe). I kept wading, and started seening orange goldfish darting around, avoiding all the fishing lines like pedestrians in rush hour traffic. I scooped a particularly round goldfish into my palm and placed it in a cup, trying to tell my mom that she can't use ice water in the cup because the water I was wading in is really warm, and the fish would die in colder water. There wasn't enough water in the cup, so I ended up putting the container in the water around me and cupping my hands to prevent the fish from escaping. And then there were two fish. I kept the smaller one, and my sister took the larger one. But she wasn't giving it enough water, so it's starting to turn belly up. I rescued her fish...

And that's all I remember. Pretty interesting, especially if you put it in context of my real, non-dream, dysfunctional family. Heh, have fun with that one.

weather
Dear Weather Channel,

You owe me a thunderstorm, as promised last night. Yes, there is a huge difference between cloudless sky with limitless ceiling, sunshine and 60% humidity, and "Chance T-Storms".

cat
still no sign...

nuke's done

It's a sad looking paper, but at least it's done. Now on to the other one that's two weeks overdue... Haven't left my apartment in 48 hours now.

weather
I asked for crappy weather, and there it was! So at least staying inside today wasn't too bad. May it continue to crap out for as long as it takes me to finish these #$%*&# papers. (selfish, I know)

dominic
My mom called to say that everyone's been out looking for him, but to no avail. I don't know if that's suppose to make me feel better...

cd
I bought the soundtrack to "Runaway Bride" a long time ago, but subsequently lost the disc. So today I coaxed Morpheus into making me a copy. It's the weirdest thing now - official case with burnt CD inside. Listen to Eric Clapton's "Blue Eyes Blue". Just that one song is worth the disc. Or, you know - the incessant restarting of the download program.

ear
Feeling a weird pressure inside my left ear - maybe it's time to go outside for a bit.

I have no proof...

but I think my sister just confirmed my worst suspicions that my uncles throw Dominic away. 'Cuz when you suspect there are fleas, of course the logical solution is just to get rid of the cat, right? I couldn't find him before I left Toronto, and now I guess I'll never see him again.

I knew it was going to happen too. The perfect excuse, 'cuz Dominic goes in and out of the house by himself. So what I can really say if he doesn't come home one day, or ever?

I'm going to miss my cat, but more than that, I really hate the way that they just take things into their own hands, and think it's okay 'cuz I'm 'just a kid', and obviously don't get any decision making power 'cuz I don't pay bills or rent there. Plus my dad's not here, so obviously my sister and I are just squatter at my grandmother's house. UGH!! I hated living there when I was 10, and I hate it now. I don't know how I'm going to live there indefinitely starting in September. It's like you have to adopt a concentration camp mentality to survive in that house.

late start

Slept in 'til a totally unacceptable hour today, though for a second I thought I woke up at 6:30am, but the digits were blinking, signifying *another* power outage, however briefly between 3am last night and ... the hour I awoke today. As my cousin would say, 'failure to merge with the rest of society today'.

The freedom of this year's schedule has been really bringing out the sloth in me. But at the same time, the whole world is already ready for me when I do get up. For example, the mail has been delivered, emails replied from others, and at times phone calls returned too. Tis excellent.

Getting great response to my bloggin' - which is great, but also like arriving a little too fashionably late to a party. Like, what took me so long?

Weather
Bring on the storm! And the rain! So I don't feel like a prisoner stuck in a well, peering out at yet another cloudless day.

Nuclear Bomb Paper
Like Neo would say, "It ends tonight." I'm handing in whatever I get done, thesis or no thesis.

good thing there are the professors...

or a 22 year old's, interest, in a 13 year old wizard might be a little weird.

Another beautiful day, obviously the weather doesn't care if I ever get my papers done. I don't know what's wrong with me. On every level of my consciousness, I know that once I get these two papers done, I can be finished with this #(*&$ course once and for all. But there is just one little part of me that keeps pulling my fingers away from opening that Word document to work on it. Plus, it's hopelessly boring, and about as successful in finding itself a thesis as I am at finding a boyfriend.

Kingston
Isn't it weird? 10 months ago, when I arrived in this city, I thought that my life was ruined, and I was determined to hate this place as much as possible, 'cuz it wasn't what I planned. But now with two weeks left, I find that I might miss this place. Everything from the endless renovations of the dismal mall across the street, to the city skyline silhouetted by its five jails. This is a quirky little city. It's like that one fridge magnet you keep around, even though it looks stupid. Yeah, I'm sure all the Kingstonians appreciate being compared to a fridge magnet.

Nip/Tuck
Have you ever seen it? I caught two back to back episodes earlier in the week, and I'm hooked. Exactly what I need - another TV show to be committed to. (yes, I consider good programs "appointments" to be committed to)

Election
Why does every election invariably disintegrate into name calling and the dum-dum-DUM of your opponents being EEEEVIL? What kinda deliberative democracy is this? And Canada is suppose to be one of the better ones. No wonder us intelligent, youthful types aren't interested. ;)

Movie Ads
The Stepford Wives come out today. I was really excited to see it, but with the amount of ads I've inhaled, I feel like I've seen it already. Same with Spiderman 2. Is Mystic River worth renting?

Aside
1. I've changed the option on this Blog so that anyone can post without registering. If it doesn't work, let me know and I'll fiddle some more.

2. Wow, and I was worried that I won't have anything to write about.


p.s. if I'm good and keep this journal up, do I get a non-messed up boyfriend a la Bridget Jones?

because insistent bugging works

... I have now succumbed to cataloguing my thoughts on public space like everyone else.