The Heart of the Matter

Every time I want to say I’m homesick, I am struck by the realization that I don’t actually know what that means.  I miss something that I barely remember having.  Not that I don’t have a family, of course I do.  But that elusive feeling of belonging; I have not been able to grasp.

 

8 months into my articles, it’s time to consider what’s next again.  I like my firm, but I had no intentions of staying in Edmonton beyond this year.  As that now changed?  Maybe, maybe not.  There is a man, that I clearly like, love even, who has made it very clear that he will not move back east.  Do I not owe him the same honesty to say that I want to go home, if Toronto is still home, even if it might not be for a few years?

 

What I keep feeling is that I am missing out on everything that’s happening in Toronto, to my family and my oldest friends.  Engagements, weddings, babies, and all the little announcements and special events that I no doubt didn’t even hear about…  it’s all happening and life’s going on.  Yes, I have my own life here, that I am fairly content with, but still.  It didn’t help to not go home for Christmas, and now it’s Chinese New Year.  When will I finally feel that I’m where I’m suppose to be? 

Am I Allergic to Happiness or Normality?

Give the resource, time and inclination, I could probably have turned out to be an arsonist or pyromaniac, because I sure like to destroy things in my life, especially when they are going well.  

Is it a fear of attachment, so that I need to pretend I can live without it, in order to not feel vulnerable being attached to it?  Is there any reason to believe I can ever achieve that 'normal life'?  

The Time has Come to Set Aside Childish Things

Let us embrace the challenges and promises of tomorrow together.

The church had a birthday cake for all the January birthdays today, so a week after my actual birthday, I am still celebrating.  It's great!  One of the other birthday person closed his eyes briefly, and I realized that I have forgotten to make a birthday wish this year!  Luckily I have another cake waiting for me at work tomorrow, so there is still a chance to salvage this.  I know that you are not suppose to say the wish out loud, or it won't come true, but let's just, hypothesize, shall we? 

What would I wish for in my 27th year?  As far as I know, I have my health, though it might kill me to actually participate in any sort of prolonged physical activities.  Despite the worry about hirebacks and my future beyond the next 6 months after articling is completed, I love my work and hope it will continue.  My relationship with everyone in my family (except my father) is excellent, by virtue of the distance between us.  And I've got a boyfriend that hasn't stopped making me grin yet.  

So hopefully I'm not jinxing the year, but I am at the rare, exactly where I want to be spot in my life at the moment.  =) 

Happy 2009!

What did you do with your extra second of 2008?