dismal balance of my life

***caution: angry rant ahead***

Why does one part of my life have to go so terribly wrong when another part is so good? Is my life some kind of miserable zero sum game? Why can't things go well for more than a few days?

My soul seems to be the price of rent living at my uncle/grandma's house. And I'm sorry, but my soul is not for sale, or even rent. Why do they say that they are treating me like an adult, when all they wanted to do is yell at me like I'm a petulant child? Tonight was not the first time I've thought about moving out, but it is certainly the night that I have thought most seriously about it.

How is it my fault that my mom is psychotic/depressed? How is it my problem that my sister is dating a black guy? How is it my responsibility that my parents' marriage is a sham from day one? What the hell do they want from me? I'm working three jobs and trying to write a thesis at the same time; how can I support my mom and sister when I can't even support myself? My two week pay cheques are less than what they spend gambling daily. Yet they can't understand why I can't be financially indepedent after I've graduate.

Is it so wrong to want something more for my life? It is being selfish to want to go to law school? It is insanely ridiculous to not take some generic receptionist job because I want to believe that I can actually build a career that will give meaning to my life?

Is it wrong to dream?

I have nothing left to give - I'm just emotionally drained.

Joyeux Noel

That's the extent of my studying for the upcoming French aptitude test. It is ever going to be a disaster.

Anyway, Merry Christmas to everybody! I hope you had a much better family dinner than I did. Not that mine was horrible. It is just that not everyone was there, and getting together just seems less significant now that we are home all the time, instead of 'home for the holidays'. I kinda miss the special treatment. ;)

We did have a nice time opening presents around the tree though. The funniest part was my grandma getting totally engrossed in the Ripley's Believe it or Not book that I brought for my 16 year old cousin. She made my sister sit and translate the entire 200 page book to her. I guess it is a good thing that she liked the yellow fleece vest my sister and I bought her as well. Never thought of my grandma as a Ripley's fan.

I got two books, a journal/letter note pad, a Lord of the Rings calendar, a pink top, gift certificates, spa stuff, and an air freshener (yes, my uncle is weird). But the best thing this Christmas definitely didn't come gift wrapped. =)

The Phantom of the Opera

Most of you know that I would pay money to see a blue screen with puppets in sweatpants sing Phantom, as long as it is sung well. It is my favourite musical, and the score that we played in my last parade as a cadet in Toronto to, and the pieces my squadron band played their freestyle routine to when they won the regional band competition in the following year. So, you could say that this movie was a sure-win for me regardless. But I was not just pleased, I was awed. It was BEAUTIFUL. Hauntingly so. Go see it.

As good as it was though, real life is better tonight. ;)

botox for the blog

hope you like the new look!

dating advice

"Well, it seems to me that the best relationships-- the ones that last-- are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with."

So is it unwise to start a relationship before a major holiday? I mean, it is doesn't work out, you'll remember it every time December rolls around from now on for the rest of your life.

On the other hand, if is does, it may just be the best Christmas ever.

(10 points for identifying the sources of the quote)

nurturing a young blog

My sister just started blogging. Of course, because of her superior html skills, she's already got things bouncing on her page. Please visit and leave a comment to help her little bloglet along. Thanks!

aubergine dreams

questions
Nikki says that we should ask our friends to ask us three questions, to find out what they want to know about us. So here is my offer: ask me any three questions, and I will give you the best answers I possibly can.

a little joy in sadness

Who would cry when they hear Joy to the World? Or say along with faraway looks to Danny Boy? My cadets played a Christmas concert at a seniors' home yesterday, and it is just so sad. I mean, they played well, and the residents seemed to enjoy the music, but it is just sad seeing them there. The home is a little off the highway, but it just seemed like the world has forgotten them, and didn't want to be inconvenienced anymore, and so have quarantined them there. I know that the staff provide excellent care, and many need around the clock help that their adult children probably couldn't provide, but still. It is like my little haphazard band was the highlight of their day, and perhaps week. I kinda want to practice there every week, to bring some joy to their lives. Throughout the hour we were there, we saw visitors come and go, and it was snowing outside, so it really began to look like Christmas. But you have to wonder what Christmas at a home would be like. Maybe a little like spending Christmas stationed on a military base far from home. Except for these old people that our world has forgotten, where is home?

it's beginning to look a lot like...

yeah, snow season. Or, whatever you call it.

Have you ever had a day when you wake up feeling that something is going to happen? Not dreading that it's something bad, just something unexpected? I dunno, that's how I felt today. I woke up an hour early (don't worry, I didn't actually get out of bed), and the whole day has just been as if I'm anticipating something. I half-expected to get a phone call or something. I have no idea. I guess it's only 5:30pm, something could still happen. I'll let you know.

The Magical Power of Apple Cinnamon Tea

Unfortunately, not as potent as I'd hoped. I am so tired lately, because I'm picking up so many extra shifts due to all the undergrads writing exams. I don't begrudge them, 'cuz I know people made allowances for me when I was going through Mac, but (sigh). Just tired.

thesis
My thesis proposal finally got approved today. No revision required, which is great, but that also mean that they were just dragging their feet in signing off on it. Plus, now they are going to actually cash my tuition cheque. argh! Don't they know I need to buy Christmas presents?! And now that it's approved, I have to do actual work. (sigh)

federal gov't
Got a call from Ottawa yesterday inviting me to stage two of the selection process for the management trainee program. A 6 hour assessment on 'core competencies'. Then, the lady asked if I was bilingual, and somehow through my mumbling about grade nine French and working in a bilingual camp this past summer, she surmised that I should take a French aptitude test. Disaster awaits.

happy thoughts
Whether you are writing exams, papers, stressed about work, stressed about life, getting depressed or getting over an ex, here're my *happy thoughts* to you. Santa will still made the rounds, no matter what else is happening. =)