I was not deprived, I'm just Chinese

So, at the shocking age of 26, I have finally had my first stocking, traditional Christmas dinner, around the tree gift opening on Christmas morning, with first the Midnight Mass in 10 years.  No, my family did not turn white; Marc's family was just good enough to adopt me for the holidays.  Wow, so the storybook Christmases as seen through the frosted glass with the brillant lights.   Calgary, as usual is beautiful.  I really think I could live there happily. 

Boxing day shopping: oh, I spent too much!  New camera, suit, blouse, bikini, candle holders... Went outdoors skating yesterday; haven't done that in about, maybe at least 12 years as well.  This is the Alberta Legislature by night:

Sapphire and Faded Jeans

I have noticed that in relationships, I stop using the other person's name.  Is that weird? Or just a sense of familiarity?  Or, the sheer fear of saying the wrong name? 

It's so easy to slip into the pace and pattern of a relationship, 'cuz I've definitely been down this road before.  Everything is rosy and sweet, and his most neurotic traits seem adorable.  It seems like a totally skewed view of reality, like falling too fast straight through the clouds, and everything on the way down is blurry.  

But what a rush.  =) 

This Christmas

Do you know that WHAM song Last Christmas?  It's one of my favourites, though I first heard it covered by Savage Garden.  It's not directly applicable to my life right now, but I still remember how that sentiment resonants.  

I've got to admit, lots of Christmas carols make me cry.  Or at least feel deeply. I am talking mostly about the religious ones, but Frosty the Snowman too.  And Little Drummer Boy; but that hardly merits explanation given my thing for musicians.  

Anyway, this Christmas is looking very promising indeed, due almost entirely to a new man in my life.  It's a very easy time of the year to fall, and I'm not particularly keen on catching myself either. It's a situation in which two weeks ago, I'd be like, "I'm sure I've met this guy before, but who is he exactly?" to "I think I love him".  It's Christmas, right?  Let  a little hope flourish.  =) 

he was just not that into you

So if your bf tells you that he isn't sure about marriage, or kids, or commitment, or whatever, it is just bullshit.  Cuz all that translates to is that he isn't sure you are the one, and when he finally meets the one, he'd be engaged.  So don't ever wait around for someone to change.  It would be just totally a waste of time.  

Damn.  I was having a really good day until about 15 minutes ago.  

There Are Places I Remember

Just went a whole week without putting a suit on, and it was glorious!  Flew to Toronto, 3 days in Washington D.C., back to Toronto, back to Edmonton, pretty much straight to the office.  I just can't keep away, I had to know how the trials are going.  

Washington D.C. is really gorgeous, really European.  The statues and monuments makes me feel like I am still on exchange, exploring a new city with a backpack, running shoes, and walking all day.  The Arlington National Cemetery was especially sobering; Capitol Hill, full of construction and anticipation for the inauguration.  The best part was of course seeing my friend from Leicester, who was in D.C. for a conference.  I miss those 3 months of my life so, so much.  As kids, the end of camp seems like goodbyes are forever.  But now we are grown, and have means, and can travel the world, just to say hello again. 

Show a couple friends in Toronto, which was nice. But, I also feel like I have drifted very far from their day to day lives.  I had two friends who got married, and I had no idea of when it happened, though I'm happy for them.  I just feel, untethered.  And what feels like freedom at times also feels like being adrift, unbelonging.  

In Remembrance

This is the Edmonton Vigil 1914-1918, last stop of the repatriation by light of the fallen Canadians of WWI.  It was a clear night, and just simply beautiful.  I went to the Butterdome service today.  First snowfall greeted me this morning.  Life is full of hope, at the moment.

Online Dating

Not a good idea.

Lesson learned. 

"normal"

This is the state of my life:

On Wednesday night, in a desperate attempt to finish my assignment due on Thursday, I was at work 'til 6pm, and then went home and worked on the assignment, until 10pm, at which point I took a nap for an hour, and then worked 'til 2am, when I really couldn't anymore. Got to work at 7am as usual on Thursday morning, went to court 'til 10am (luckily a short day), and hid at the courthouse library to do the assignment from 10am-2:30pm, at which point I submitted it before the 4pm deadline. I had to work in the courthouse because at work, even though they are suppose to give us time to do these assignments, I still get continuously interrupted by last-minute demands and the steady stream of cold calls to screen for senior lawyers. So on Friday morning, I inadvertently slept in 'til 7:05am, and the receptionist (the nicest person ever), left me a message at 7:25am say that she is worried about me, since I was not at work yet, at 7am as per normal. Such is my life.

Calgary
I haven't been in Calgary for a year, and had totally forgotten how much cooler it is than Edmonton. Had a great time meeting up with a friend from England. Made me miss my Leicester days a lot a lot. Such an idyllic time of discovery. I want to go aboard again, stat. Also saw Passchendale with Marc, which was pretty good, actually.

Break
In class this week. A magical time of 9-4 days. I got home today and there was still daylight. I actually felt like doing laundry, making dinner, and baking an apple pie. Wow, this is normal life. Think I can ever have that, and a career I love?

Giving Thanks

Despite all my complaining, I am grateful for my life as it is, right now. I finally feel like I am concretely building on a career, and the goal of becoming a lawyer, though still a half year + away, is at least in sight. I am grateful that after so many interviews, and my adamant insistence all through law school to have nothing to do with criminal law, I ended up with an article that's pretty great, and well suited to me. There will be frustrations from judges, lawyers, partners and peers to come, and hire-back and what's next to worry about in the new year, but for today, I can be content, and give thanks for what I have. I'm still here.

Oscillation

I am oscillating between homesickness, dismay at the lack of learning at my job, no idea why I am sad, stress about what's next after articling, even though there is 8 more month to go of that, and it's getting cold. What is wrong with me? Next week is Thanksgiving, and there'll be a potluck at church. I don't even care about Thanksgiving; my family doesn't really celebrate it, so why do I feel like I'm falling apart, a little?

This is the longest time I have ever been away from home, though I really thought that doesn't bother me anymore. What is happening?

England, I miss you!

I left for England this time last year, with some vague notions of finding myself, enjoying a semester aboard, and an odd sense of sentimentality, as Leicester is one of the places my dad studied at while in graduate school. What's missing in a father-daughter relationship in the present I had hoped to find in a shared experience, of a place, though 30 days apart. I don't know what I found in my 3 months aboard, except that the cobbley steps of the Royal Mile of Edinburgh, the dreaming spires of Oxford, the glistening lights of Paris, and the sheer energy in the dance of Madrid will forever be etched in my soul. I cannot wait for a chance to go back. But I know that to return as a visitor will never match the childlike wonder of seeing it for the first time. And I will no longer be a student, which has implications of its own.

I traveled to the other side of the world to find myself, but still the greater distance is between who I am, and who I long to be. Feeling quite wistful today; don't know why.

Seriously

If I see one more 'I'm engaged!' or 'We're getting married!' message, I think I am self-combust. Come on, of course I'm happy for my friends, and their blissful togetherness. Of course I wish them every happiness. Of course I wish I had some of that in my life.

I have married friends. Friends expecting babies. Friends with babies. Friends with talking children. I have... my first real job. And yes, it's my choice, and I am happy with it, and I've got to believe that my turn at love and family will come and have not gone.

So to all my pending nuptial friends, I am thrilled for you. Shout from the rooftops and post your pictures. I am so happy for you. Truly.

searching

I have been feeling like I need to make a choice in my life, in deciding who I am going to be. Since I have arrived in Edmonton, I have been going to church on a fairly regular basis. This is nothing new, as I tend to go when I'm in Alberta. Previously, this has meant all the times I have been in camp. Camp life is pretty routine, and I like the built in element of the spiritual when in such a structured environment.

But now Alberta is no longer a summer placement for me. This is my real life, and continuing to fit church in seems so very difficult. Not just time-wise, though that's a big part of it. And it's not like I have encountered such ethical dilemma at work yet that I feel like my world view is in conflict with a Christian life. But I was presented with an opportunity to be baptized today, and I turned it down. Do I fear the commitment, or being ask to contribute to the life of the church, when I already feel like I can't catch my breath at work? I have a lot of issues/questions about baptism as well, that's more difficult to articulate. Without going into that part of my psyche though, who am I? More importantly, who do I choose to be? Why do I not feel like I can make a public statement about something I believe in?

I know that I can be a good 'company man', if you know what I mean. When I decided I was going to do cadets, I threw myself into it, completely. That single-mindedness some might call determination, or stubbornness. But the point is I am perfectly at ease at church, and can quote scripture and explain doctrines adequately well (after all those years in Christian private school). I am also finding my footing in the legal world, or the world in general, as an adult. But I can't reconcile those two people reflected in me. It is not that I am a devil at work and an angel at church, nor do I think that anyone is asking me to be. I am just ill at ease with that other part of my life, and feel like I need to compartmentalize them, preferably with a bulletproof wall in between. But such separation is hard to draw within.

The crux of it is that no one is really demanding me to be one thing or another. It is just my own desire to please/appease people and to live up to expectations that's really making it hard. I feel like I am always going to be disappointing someone, and I wish I didn't care what other people think but I do. You know that song "The Quest" (end song in Grey's finale last season)? That's what I keep hearing in my head at the moment. I wish I could arrive at that emotion.

The Life and Times of My Life of Some Time

I've finished my civil law rotation, and will be heading back to my own firm come Monday. Not that I've really been away, going in 2-3 times a week after work to check messages and stuff. It'll be nice to be back full time though, so I can stop feeling like I am serving two masters.

While I was there, I had a little crush on someone. It's all casual bantering and harmless fun, until I suddenly had a flashbulb moment, and realize that a lot of the traits that I found attractive in him also existed in an ex. I quickly aborted that mission. Not that I would ever have had the guts to ask him out, but man, that was close.

It's funny how we slip into patterns, I think. You'd think that no guy who doesn't have 'a sense of humour, a nice smile and is unafraid to show their feelings' would ever get a girl. What do we look for in a partner, and how much of it is just a construct or what we think we want? Tall, dark, mysterious doesn't do it for everyone, but what about rich, smart, confident? Is anyone looking for closet nerds out there? Surely not everyone of us shed our high school selves? Does anyone look for the one to watch Jeopardy with them, and answer just a few more questions than they can? Does anyone look for the one who still wear their heart on their sleeves? Who, afterall, at our age, doesn't have baggage?

Another phenomenon I find interesting is happily married/coupled people who eagerly play matchmaker. Do they really just want others to experience the perfect bliss they have found, or is it really a secret way to continue checking out the pool out there, with the perfect disguise? Yes, I am a cynic, at times.

No More Back to School!

For the first time EVER since I was 3, I don't have to go back to school! Okay, alright, that's not strictly true, since I am auditing a course taught by my principle at the U of A this term, but I am officially an ADULT now! =)

Civil Rotation

I have been seconded to a civil firm for 3 weeks. And though I'm getting interesting little assignments, and everyone's being really nice, this experience just makes me want to be a criminal lawyer that much more. I'm also surprised at how much I miss my regular work place. Somehow, over the last 3 months, my firm's become a home, and the people there family. At least in the great land of Alberta.

I remember at this time last year, I was devastated that I didn't get any of the articling jobs that were my first, second, third.... seventh choice. In part because of that, I once again made a poor relationship decision (same mistake, over and over again, but we don't need to tell that story again).

Funny how things work out. I can't imagine being anywhere else now, doing anything other than criminal defence, even though that was the one thing I said in law school that I won't be donig. Maybe I'm just malleable like that, adjusting to my surroundings, chameleon-like. But I don't think that's true. I'm pretty choosy with my life, and the only thing I seem to have an unhealthy level of tolerance for is relationships. Nothing is happening on that front (probably for the best), and I'm stressed to the max about this bar admission course, but it's all manageable. At the end of the day, I'm happy being here, right now.

SLC Forever

I am a sentimental fool. There is no doubt about that. 10 years ago, I came to Alberta for the first time, and left a different person. I didn't know it at the time, but attending the Senior Leaders Course changed the course of my life. In fact, I don't think I'd be in Edmonton today if I didn't go on that course when I was 16.

We are changed before our eyes, yet we can't see it until we are looking back. I remember giving a speech at the squadron's banquet about my camp experience. That speech was too long (15 mins), as my speeches usually are, and of course I'm fairly certain that it resonated with me more than with anyone in the audience. Still I remember the pride with which I delivered every word, and how I can barely keep the quiver from my voice at describing what going home was like. I was touched again, every time I return to Cold Lake, every time I talk about it (how ever I try to pretend that was a childish thing), every time I see a beautiful sunset.

We were often told that the course is what you make it, as 'hardcore' and as meaningful as we can read meaning into it. For me it gave me the confidence I should have always known existed, and yet I needed the validation to believe. And once I believed, I took flight.

WSNBM/ONBP

sad songs say so much

From time to time I discover a new song, and play it on an endless loop, until I know all the words. And then I'll read too much into the lyrics and find application to my life from it. (it is hardly the weirdest thing I do)

I love sad songs. I don't know why. I find that sad songs can touch me more deeply than happy ones. And truly, do not a song with a sense of longing resonate more strongly? It's not that my life is unhappy, I just feel like I can understand sadness better. I am pensive and introspective by nature. I feel joy and contentment, but I'm not the jump around with happiness type.

Haven't heard a song that moves me lately though.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm not a fickle person, I don't think. I rarely change the way I feel about someone. It's probably a form of stubbornness. Mostly I am content to feel the way I feel, and wait for the world to change. As Goethe said, if I love you, what business is it of yours? But lately I have been feeling restless, and wanting things to change, to actually give what I want a chance. Relationships have never ranked very high in my life. I mean, I value them and a lot of drama usually surround them. I give them priority when I'm in them, but I have never really been the one to actively try to pursue them for my own happiness (mostly because I don't know how). But I've been feeling I want more, and I'm no longer content to just let things (not) happen. But the funny thing with relationship is that you can never 'make it happen', can you? You can't change how the other person feels, and in truth you don't even have any right to demand a response or explanation. We feel how we feel; we can't even explain it most days even if we wanted to. So perhaps it should be enough that I feel this way, and it shouldn't matter that the other person doesn't, or doesn't even know.

Mamma Mia!

Can I just be all fangirl for a second and tell you how much I loved this movie? My love for musicals is not secret, but this was really something special. Maybe because I was not familiar with the story before going, it had the full impact on me. And Pierce Brosnan AND Colin Firth! I had a great time.

Long weekend finally here. I just plan on sleeping and doing all the things around my apartment that I have put off for so long. Looks like the weather will be decent. I should really get out there with my bike before it get too cold for that.

Looking forward to starting my bar admission course, and a rotation at a civil law firm, where I have been told keeps more 'civil' hours than the 7-6 life I currently have. My rotation is for 3 weeks, and I hope I can get some family law experience during that time. I can't believe it's August.

say goodbye, close your eyes, remember me

The Cold Lake Farewell Tour.

Exactly 10 years ago, I first step onto the tarmac of Cold Lake Air Cadet Summer Training Centre. And now, I think, I am finally ready to say goodbye. This weekend was fantastic, as always, to be amongst friends there. But I was also on a high from 'winning' my first bail hearing on Friday, and so, I realize that I am at the point where I have found my 'real life' to be just as exciting to get back to. Cold Lake will always hold a special place in my heart, but I am, finally, ready to let it go. I will take all its lessons with me forever, because I know that I would not be here, if I had never been there.

3 days to extravaganza!

Looking forward to a little Cold Lake Roadtrip Action this weekend! Basically everyone I know in Alberta is that at the moment, so it should be a great time!

Happy Canada Day!

Usually, I'm at camp when July 1st rolls around, so I haven't really been 'among the people' for Canada Day for quite a few years. But this year, because I'm all grown up and have a real job ;) AND get the day off, I wandered downtown to City Hall, and then the Legislature Building, for some nationalistic pride. It was nice to see that Edmonton is actually a lot more diverse than I thought. All the kids and not a few adults are splashing in the fountains/wading pool, and everyone is just having a great time, enjoying a gorgeous 24C day. Felt a little wistful while I watched everyone with family and friends, spending the day together. Talking to my mom yesterday, I told her that I am probably not flying home for Christmas ('cuz it's so expensive), and she asked wouldn't I be homesick then, which of course just made me actually feel homesick.

Anyway, fireworks tonight, which I should hopefully be able to see right from my apartment. Happy 141st, Canada!

missing

Today is my cousin's wedding. My entire family is in Toronto, celebrating, and I am here in Edmonton. Through cell phone and pictures, etc, I was pretty much getting a live reception to the ceremony, but obviously, it's not the same.

I have been feeling a little down. It wasn't easy leaving Toronto last weekend after Convocation. It's not that I don't like my work here, or that I don't like the city. On the contrary, and I quite thankful for the twist of fate that landed me in both. But I miss home right now more than I did when I was in England. Perhaps it's because exchange was only 3 months, while articling is for a whole year, and I have no idea when the next time will be when I get to go home. Coupled with the fact that so many of my friends are heading to camp tomorrow, to what I am sure will be an exciting, exasperating, eccentric summer once again, that I wish I were a part of.

Today my firm participated in a charity baseball tournament, and everyone had their kids/spouses/etc out, and I felt especially alone. Everyone in the office comes in early, and stay late, work weekends regularly, but I can't help but think how much more reassuring it would be to put in such effort, if only I had someone to come home to. I guess I never really felt this at school 'cuz the majority of people were on their own then. But now...

I keep telling myself it's just for one year, but this that any kind of attitude to start building my career on? Shouldn't I hope to be hired back after articling, and work towards that? The two students who are finishing their articles now (and staying with the firm after) seem so much more dedicated and committed to the work. Why don't I care? I've never thought of myself as being afraid of hard work, but I've never been faced with working at this tempo either. I feel terrified of screwing up everyday, and just when I think I've got a grip of something, something else throws me completely off kilter. Everyone is really nice and willing to teach. I just feel the learning curve is so very steep.

I think my family understood why I couldn't be at the wedding today, but they don't realize how all their excited shouts of 'why aren't you here?' in the background stabs at me today. I feel this is one of many important events that I will be missing for the sake of 'work'. How do I keep my life from going down that path? Or is it way too early in my career to consider what 'work-life balance' could even mean? I don't know. I just feel constantly exhausted, and I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through a year like this.

Three Times Over

I flew home to attend my Convocation this weekend. My family went, and we stayed in Windsor overnight after the ceremony. To be honest, I was nearly nodding off during the 'very special speakers', but it was still nice to walk across the stage and have the degree conferred on me.

It was really nice to see everybody, to talk about what I'm doing in Edmonton, and everything. It feels good to feel directed, driven, and purposeful. I'll think of my law school days fondly, but don't know if I can go so far to say that I will miss people there. I've learned to touch lightly on others in my life through my last decade of wandering.

B.Sc. M.A. LL.B.
I've got one science degree, one arts degree... and finally one I can use to make a living =P

two weeks in, two weeks 'til

I finally understand what people mean by "I love my job". I used to think that's kooky, but I can honestly say that I am enjoying my work tremendously, despite the 11 hour days. The challenges seems surmountable, and the learning curve not too steep yet. Then again, it's only been 2 weeks, so maybe I'll feel differently once the storm really hits.

I think I like the city, even though it's one of those that makes me feel distinctly non-white, especially in my profession. I was at two work related events last week for dinner, and can't help feeling 'different'. I know I should have gotten over this a long time ago, being in the military and having gone to RMC and all, but I never seem to quite manage.

The two ex's picked consecutive days to try to worm back into my life, but that door is firmly shut. I just can't deal with that stuff anymore.

Got a bike today, so that I can explore the city more easily. Looking forward to doing that when I can find the time. Should have been in the office today, but got distracted with various things. Flying home in two weeks for graduation.

my kingdom for an ironing board

A good friend, you ask out for coffee.
A great friend, maybe dinner.

But you really haven't seen real love until you have a friend who'd drive to ELEVEN stores with you to find you a decently priced ironing board. Apparently Edmonton can only make them: a) with the permanent fixture on the end that you should iron your shirt with, b) over the door model, c) priced at $70+. This is definitely a strike against the city, if not the whole province. Anyway, Marc was nice enough to drive me to all these places, on a holiday Monday, so we can finally return the 2nd store we went to, and concede to a $40 board, only to be told at the cash that there's a 20% discount coupon for it! Oh, and to make the trip even more memorable, CBC radio was playing readings of short stories/soft porn through the entire ordeal. Welcome to Edmonton indeed!

First Day
Today I finally join the ranks of 'working adult', both in the employed & functional sense. My 'kingdom' is a nice apt overlooking the river/ravine, but of course, I now work from 7am to at least 6pm, so my kingdom is often undefended. The office was really nice, and I even get my own real office, with windows! Pretty excited about that. Have been 'advised' to work weekends. Not too thrilled about that, on top of 12 hour days. Will go in this weekend to take some pictures of the place, for your viewing pleasure. Exhausted now - sleep now to start again tomorrow.

confused

For the last couple weeks, I've really be struggling with the decision to move to Edmonton. I don't understand it. I have never been reluctant to go to another city, province, country, continent, to pursue what I think are the best opportunities for my career, academic, military or legal. But with this move out West, I had a really hard time, to the point that I was still taking interviews here after I've accepted the offer there. The merits of the Edmonton job are undeniable. I'm so lucky to get an offer like that this late in the process. It's exciting work, has great benefits, and basically the whole package. So what the hell is wrong with me? Could it be that I am finally tired of bouncing around, with nowhere and no one to belong to (whole different kettle of fish). I guess part of it is that I was really looking forward to finally moving back to Toronto - but what's in Toronto for me? People in Toronto who love me will love me no matter where I am. I haven't been in this city for 8 of the past 9 years. What do I miss, except what it use to be? And even that wasn't the best.

I don't want to bank too much on Edmonton. It will be what it is, a job, and I ought not expect more. To live within driving distance of my stalker is not without its reservations, but let's just hope the rumour mill will hold out for me for a while. Flying out in a week. Another year; what will this one bring?

Another Adventure

I have scored another year-abroad adventure. Well, okay, no. I'm just going to be living in Edmonton for a year; which, is pretty much another country.

So at the 11th hour, the day after writing my last exam, I got an articling position with a fantastic firm, after a mere 35mins phone interview, with 7 people on the other end. The irony is, I've done 15 interviews already, most of them dressed in my sharpest suits, and the job I get? I interviewed for sitting on my bed, in jeans and a T-shirt.

Now that the stress and decision-making and paper tossing, confirm and re-confirm etc is mostly over, I'm really looking forward to it. I have a few friends out there, and of course the Cold Lake crowd will ease the transition for me, at least over the summer. The work is going to be incredible. Even though I've never seriously considered criminal defence before, it fits with the constitutional/adminstrative/litigation and Charter interest that I have, so it should be pretty awesome. It's not Vancouver, but closer than I'd be from here.

All my friends out West - hope this means I'll get to see you much more in the next year!

p.s. oh yeah, I'm done Law School!

it's not always rainbows & butterflies

... but sometimes it feels like it. =)

Had the best date I've had in, well, years last night. It's good when boys go be in the army for 3 years, does a tour in Afghanistan, and just basically grow up in an intervening 8 years. Too early to call where it is headed, but it's nice to dream.

Now I need to sit still for 10 days and write exams.

what's next?

In the past couple years, my life has changed for the better come April. From getting into law school (2005), find my first law-related summer job (2006), getting a research assistantship (2007), it has been ridiculously stressful, or I'd have made contingency plans, but everything ended up working out with Plan A in April. I hope that this year will be no exception, and that I will soon be able to say what I will be doing for the next year or so.

On Friday we had a Grad Breakfast, the first in a series of what I'm sure will be bittersweet endings. Tomorrow will be my last days of classes. Wow. I can sort of feel the tip of the iceberg of emotions associated with that, but it hasn't hit me yet. I have been in school since I was 3, and that was a long time ago. And finally, FINALLY, I am going to be moving on to another stage of my life.

I find it hard to be scared or upset during these last couple sunshine days, even though nothing has changed. I find it difficult to sit down and write my last paper, but that's of course nothing new. I have a map of the world on my wall and I find myself staring at it often, wondering what adventures lie ahead for me. I look at my exam schedule, and can barely bring myself to care. Not that it will be a throw-away thing. I know I will do the job, and there is just very little anxiety associated with exams now, after so many years.

So, what's next?

My Constant

This entry has been kicking around my head for about 2-3 weeks now, so I figure I'd better get it down before it knocks something loose in there.

On LOST, there was an episode about one of the characters time traveling between the present and 8 years ago. A physicist told him that he had to have a 'constant', someone or something that is important to him then and now, for his consciousness not to, essentially, fry and kill him. (If you've seen the episode, this needs no explaining. If you have not seen it, no amount of explanation would suffice.) Anyway, I started thinking my life, as it was, 8 years old at around this time...

I was just about to finish 1st year at McMaster and my first year at 150 Sqn. Things were going well, and I was going to have to choose soon between learning how to fly that summer, or going back to Cold Lake. I have often regretted choosing the former, but perhaps nothing exceptional would have been different had I gone with the latter instead. I was beginning to realize that I probably couldn't be a doctor with a D in Biology and Chemistry. I knew that I was absurdly good at Psychology and Math though. I was going to visit my dad in Shanghai for a month after exams, and when I get back, I will be Chief of my squadron, beating the 4 other WO2's who grew up there. In general, I was quite happy with life, having finally escaped from home, and able to assert a measure of independence, living at residence, yet not too far from home. And I was about to throw away the most important relationship of my life.

If I could talk to that 18 year old now, I would say, "Don't do it!! You will never experience that degree of contentment again in your life (at least not for the next 8 years)", but that bratty, self-assured kid would tell me of her (self-manufactured) angst, and how it was the right thing to do. She would make herself go on Power because she believed that it was necessary to have the wings to command respect to lead a bunch of kids who she knew next to nothing about. She would have romantic and idealistic notions of leadership. She could write, and she could dream. And if I had told her that she will be graduating law school in 8 years, she'd probably have frown slightly, wondered why it would take so long, and with a quick smile, go on with her day, secured in the knowledge that though her family is crazy, she looked forward to what he would say when she told of him this conversation later.

Some things we don't grow out of, despite changing majors and schools, ideals and despair, promotions and accidents, triumphs and heartbreaks, births and deaths. The music carries us though, and what's important then remains today.

more of the same

I've been seeing this guy. Well, that's perhaps overstating the case. But regardless, we came to the point where we had the 'where is this going talk?' last night. And in truth I know exactly where this is going - nowhere. Not because of lack of interest, necessarily, but because I'm done here in 6 weeks, and he has 2 years to go. That is, if he doesn't transfer back to Vancouver.

I just feel tired. I feel like I've had this same conversation a thousand times before. I know the script and can say the words, but all without feeling. Is this how we get calloused? We love, we get hurt, and the next time, we give a little less, while trying to steal a little more in the short while? We grow weary of believing, and is a little more hesitant to the 'long-distance', having done it before and our hearts broken? We can only conclude that time and circumstances are always against us, and all we have is the here and now, so we'd better hold on, but not too tight, so it'll hurt less when it's torn away? I know we are only being realistic, and I guess we'll just hang out until it's not so convenient anymore, but all this makes me incredibly sad.

STILL looking for a job.

Maybe everything will go easier, if I can just stop hoping altogether.

heh!

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/cartoon/

Family Day? sure, why not!

To celebrate the inaugural long weekend, 7 of my friends and I went to Chicago. I've wanted to get there since 1st year, so it was really nice to be able to squeeze it in before leaving in a few short months. I can't believe there is only half a term left. It's kinda scary. Anyway, loved Chicago! History meets hip, jazz bars and clean streets, BEAUTIFUL people who are polite. Saw Wicked, and absolutely loved it.

Reading week starts 3pm tomorrow for me. Got lots of work to get done, but come on, we all know that reading week is for anything BUT reading.

feeling like a donut

Rain, snow, read, class, eat, TV - a comfortable routine, just prodding along. Two months of classes left, then exams, then more exams. Sometimes the highest endorsement you can give to time is that it will pass. I'm feeling... it's hard to describe. Looking forward to going home for New Years; don't think I've ever been able to do that before. It feels nice to be at school, but incredibly awkward to find out, inadvertently, that J is having a party, and of course I wasn't invited. Which makes complete sense, 'cuz he has a new gf. And I was the one who refused to attempt a friendship. But still, it sucks, because, well, almost all our friends are mutual friends. But that's the way it's gotta be.

Applying to jobs, but haven't heard back from anywhere yet. Postings for the following year has started coming out, which is more than a little scary. I like my classes, though Advanced Family Law feels a little like group therapy of a bunch of angry feminist at times. I feel sorry for the one guy in our class of 12 or so.

Some things are going on that I won't legitimatize with a post yet. Needless to say it has to do with my poor decision-making wrt relationships. One day, I'll get it right.

The Truth about Me

I don't know if I've never had a social calendar that included events 3 nights in a row with 3 large, different groups of people. In each one I felt happy, but as a peripheral, fringe-dweller. And I'm not entirely upset by that fact. I seek out solitude, and orchestrate my life to not belong. Perhaps it's just safer to diversify my attention and affections. I float, though I have a handful of close friends who anchors me. I try to be the kind of friend who'd surprise people if I didn't show up, when I said I would. The kind that tries to make sure everyone has a ride home. But the truth is it is a lot easier to be responsible for everyone else instead of being responsible for myself. Not that I'm not a cautious person, to say the least, but there is so much about myself that seems entirely out of my hands, but I seem to feel able to help others. Or at least make life easier for them. Or just bring a smile. It's the drifting of un-belongingness that marks my place.

A New Balance

Sometimes things look grim, but can turn around in an instance. I was attending the welcome/welcome back reception at school for new and returning exchange student yesterday. First, I got a chance to speak briefly about my time aboard. And you know me; if I get to speak publicly, even to an audience of one, I'm happy. But that's not all, I also smoozed with the President of the University, the Dean of Dramatic Arts, and a Prof in Business. But the best part of find a student who is here on exchange, from Leicester! I was so excited, rambling about all the Leicester-specific stuff, and we were both acting like excited chipmunks. It is as if Leicester is this exotic place, where only the two of us have been to, and the utter shock and delight of being able to share that was incredible.

More good things:
1. Through an informant, whose identity must be protected for their own safety, I have been informed that R has changed his status to 'in a relationship'. I am free.

2. J tapped me on my backpack after class today, we exchanged brief words, and I didn't want to die from the awkwardness. I consider that superb.

3. I am flirting with... something, not quite fire, maybe just a little ember, though the wonders of Superpoking. I am a tres nerd, I know.

4. One of my friends from Leicester is coming to visit me in the summer!

Looks like things are going to be alright afterall.

maybe too optimistic

This is my new room. For my last four months of school EVER, I'm staying in one of the university-owned houses reserved for exchange students (incoming or returning). It's literally a stone's throw from the law school. In case you are weirded out, I'm taking the picture right into a mirror.

I moved back to Windsor on Sunday, and all I've wanted is to not be here. It's really nice to be surrounded by friends/people I know again, but at the same time, I miss the lack of accountability and anonymity of being aboard, and the freedom that entails. It feels weird to 'belong', or at least be familiar with everything. And I'm probably not making matters easier by being all grade-7 about not having spoken to my ex, even though we have a class together. Luckily a class big enough to genuinely-pretend that we just haven't 'had the chance'. Whatever. Four more months, and I'm done like turkey. That's something.

It's Gonna be a Happy New Year!

I feel it in my bones that 2008 is going make all my dreams come through. Not sure if it is just start of the year optimism, or because it's the first day I've gotten enough sleep in a week, after the Christmas Training Course. Either way, it's looking good. Happy 2008!