Today is my cousin's wedding. My entire family is in Toronto, celebrating, and I am here in Edmonton. Through cell phone and pictures, etc, I was pretty much getting a live reception to the ceremony, but obviously, it's not the same.
I have been feeling a little down. It wasn't easy leaving Toronto last weekend after Convocation. It's not that I don't like my work here, or that I don't like the city. On the contrary, and I quite thankful for the twist of fate that landed me in both. But I miss home right now more than I did when I was in England. Perhaps it's because exchange was only 3 months, while articling is for a whole year, and I have no idea when the next time will be when I get to go home. Coupled with the fact that so many of my friends are heading to camp tomorrow, to what I am sure will be an exciting, exasperating, eccentric summer once again, that I wish I were a part of.
Today my firm participated in a charity baseball tournament, and everyone had their kids/spouses/etc out, and I felt especially alone. Everyone in the office comes in early, and stay late, work weekends regularly, but I can't help but think how much more reassuring it would be to put in such effort, if only I had someone to come home to. I guess I never really felt this at school 'cuz the majority of people were on their own then. But now...
I keep telling myself it's just for one year, but this that any kind of attitude to start building my career on? Shouldn't I hope to be hired back after articling, and work towards that? The two students who are finishing their articles now (and staying with the firm after) seem so much more dedicated and committed to the work. Why don't I care? I've never thought of myself as being afraid of hard work, but I've never been faced with working at this tempo either. I feel terrified of screwing up everyday, and just when I think I've got a grip of something, something else throws me completely off kilter. Everyone is really nice and willing to teach. I just feel the learning curve is so very steep.
I think my family understood why I couldn't be at the wedding today, but they don't realize how all their excited shouts of 'why aren't you here?' in the background stabs at me today. I feel this is one of many important events that I will be missing for the sake of 'work'. How do I keep my life from going down that path? Or is it way too early in my career to consider what 'work-life balance' could even mean? I don't know. I just feel constantly exhausted, and I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through a year like this.
2 comments:
I have had the same feeling as what you described in the last paragraph. Lucky/unluckly for me, I got "hired back". I didn't quite get those questions answered. I take whatever comes my way on a week to week basis. I hope I get my answers soon, but I am also starting to forget about them. After reading your blog, I realize that I still haven't got them answered. Nevertheless, I was told that most people don't get the answers too. Good Luck to us.
I think we've been moving around so much in the last few years that we've lost sight of how important a "support system" is, whether it's composed of friends or family.
I have to admit that is one of the reasons I'm back from Malaysia.
Don't lose sight of it. Seriously. It's easy to take for granted when we are surrounded by it. But you'll feel it when times get tough and you're standing alone.
Having said that, maybe you just need to give your environment some time so you can build new "support systems". Good luck! :)
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