Year in Review 2007

January
Started off pretty great, with 3 separate birthday celebrations for turning 25. Sold my car of 6 years in preparation for going on exchange. A little crisis of confidence starting off the school year as I prepared for the moot competition.

February
The cracks of the relationship became gaping holes, and everything came with a sunset clause. Competition in Ottawa went pretty well, and exchange was confirmed.

March
A little personal victory for the Elimination of Discrimination campaign I did on campus. The relationship continued to fracture, and the lack of summer job situation compounded the misery.

April
Crazy exam month. Moved back to Scarborough. Succumbed to facebook. Took stock of my life a little. Couldn’t wait to go aboard.

May
A geriatric type of life, helping out in the yard, planting, as if recuperating and rehabilitating. Which it kind of was, but the scars were all emotional. Watched all the episodes of Lost from the beginning for the first time. Attended a high school reunion.

June
Went on CQ, then off to camp. Had serious doubts about staying in the system, the summer, etc.

July
In Cold Lake, where all things are possible/gets skewed. Spent 3 weeks convincing myself not to get involved with an old flame, and when it came down to it, took all of 3 seconds to change my mind. Was really excited about articling prospects. Among many friends at camp.

August
Left camp early for a bunch of interviews, but was devastated when I didn’t get a single offer. Did some fun stuff and generally tried to prep for England. Struggled over whether I wanted to see the ex (J). Foolishly hopeful for whatever was going on with R.

September
Left a little out of place to not be starting school at the beginning of the month. Took an ill-advised trip to Calgary. Actually, no one advised me to go, so it was just my own decision to be faulted. Off to the UK excited and excited. So amused by every little thing British.

October
Orientations, starting classes, experiencing London. The ‘relationship’ came crashing down when I couldn’t decide who to trust. Went to Scotland and just totally fell in love with Edinburgh.

November
Madrid and Lincoln trips. School was happily chugging along. Probably the happiest I’ve been in quite a while.

December
Already nostalgic before I even left the UK. A weekend in Paris, a weekend in London. Coming home to a snow-covered wonderland after spending 3 months away.

My mom made us count our blessings, literally, at dinner tonight. I think the year had a bumpy start, but ended on a high note with my months aboard. Know that I’m grateful for you, and all your encouraging/entertaining/eccentric comments and insights. It keeps me going. Here’s to a fantastic 2008!

One More Day

What a difference a day makes! =P

I made this!

I do love winter! And snow, and Christmas, and being home! The euphoria will run out soon, I'm sure, but not just yet! +)

last day

Here I sit, surrounded by a somewhat controlled mess, hoping that the postal deity will let me ship a box home tomorrow, because it is just not all going to fit. You know the bag you buy at the Canex at the end of camp to bring home everything you have somehow accumulated in 8 short weeks? Well, I've been away for 12 weeks, and I'm a lot more high maintenance then I used to be. Plus international shipping isn't going to be cheap. So yeah, I hope everything will work out tomorrow, including exchanging my train ticket, which inexplicably says Dec 18, even though I am fairly certain that I asked for Dec 14 about 3 weeks ago. Ah, the joys and tribulations of traveling will soon be lifted from my weary shoulders, and not a moment too soon.

I made a spreadsheet to see what items will be deniable at customs, in order to make it around the limit of $750. Well, everything with a city name on it is going to be hard to get around. Sold one of my textbooks that I will surely never look at again (at least not by choice). Unfortunately I'm a horder, so there are scrapes of paper that are just too sentimental for me to throw out.

I am slowly coming to accept that this idyllic term of high adventures and freedom from reality is coming to an end. One last hurrah in London tomorrow and Sat. Flying home Sunday.

I already miss this life.

Two Weeks Left

I can't believe I'm going home in two weeks. I feel like I have just hit my stride; familiar faces, a set routine, going over to friends' house for dinner, all the normal things you associate with shedding the foreigner's skin. Just as I am greeted with friendly faces on campus, have a decent grasp of the bus route schedules, and really starting to feel that I like this place, I'll be packing my bags in a matter of days.

They told us at orientation that 3 months is going to feel very short, and there were times I doubted that in these past weeks. But with all the traveling and school and everything, there wasn't time to miss home, really. Plus with the nonsense and drama, why would I want to go face that?

I've never been cool enough to have a set table with a group of friends to sit at for every meal. I haven't feel this good about life since 3rd year at Mac.


Upside down
Who's to say what's impossible and can't be found
I don't want this feeling to go away
~ Jack Johnson

HOST/Madrid/And Such

It's been a busy 2 weeks, but also high time for an update.
HOST
This is a program which we just have to sign up for, and we are matched with British family who will host us for a weekend. Our school has even paid the L40 administrative fees for us. In light all of this generousity, I will try to be as polite as possible:

The weekend was a disaster. There were salvageable bits, but mostly, I was so happy to get back to my dorm room that I could have cried. The weekend started off with a late train, which caused me and 20 other people to miss the connecting train. No problem, the train company called a cab to take us to our destination. One cab. Twenty people. So we waited an hour, for another 40 mins or so ride, and I finally arrived at this little village of Tealby. Charming, along with it's huge Tesco (supermarket). Okay, that's fine, they were nice enough to offer me my own room to stay in, even though it was freezing cold in there. The couple is those that are into buying a decrepit place, and renovating it, but also living in it while it is decrepit. So there were building material everywhere around the house, where the extension is being planned, along with everything else made of wood inside (remember this detail; it'll become important later). Anyway, the next day, we went to a nearby village of Lough, and then a bigger city of Lincoln, and I saw cathedrals and shops and castles, even an original Magna Carta, so it was all pretty cool. So what if they have a bratty 14 year old who disagree with everything, and a just-moved-back-home 21 year old who likes to make fun of his mom. No matter.

Sunday morning, I went to a Remembrance Day service in Lough, which was very cool 'cuz I got to see British cadets and other military personnel, doing a parade not so different from home. In the afternoon we drove to the coast of the North Sea, where the beaches had become in recent years a natural birthing grounds for seals. It was freezing cold, but the pups were so cute! When we returned to their home, the mother inexplicably had to wash their horse (they live on a farm with a llama, chickens, ducks, sheep, dog, etc), in the dark. The only light was a motion-detected one, so it comes on, it comes off. Imagining washing a car, in the dark. No, a truck. No, a moving truck, that doesn't want to be washed, 'cuz it FREAKING cold! The whole family was standing outside, so it's not like I can just go inside and sit by the fire. Oh well. Off to bed for an early train.

I'm a light sleeper when not at home, especially when I know there is something that I need to get up early for the next day. So when the hallway light came on at 5am, I was instantly awake, but then decided that I can still sleep for about another hour before getting up. I hear footsteps though, and then, several minutes later, loud pounding on my door and then the door was opened. The house was on fire. I kid you not. They don't have smoke detector though, and only found out 'cuz the father smelt smoke and got up to investigate. The closet was on fire, all the clothes inside burnt, all that's left was the hook part of the metal hangers. The house was filled with smoke, but it is only after his investigation that the father was like, "Right, I'll call the fire brigade now", while we all waited in the kitchen OF THE BURNING HOUSE and the mother made tea with an electric kettle. 20 minutes later ('cuz the house was in the middle of nowhere), 2 fire engines arrived, and while the firemen were pulling their hoses into the house, the mother tried to shove cups of tea at them. Other firemen arrived in their own vehicles minutes after, and even in all these confusion and madness, their hotness was not lost on me. Too bad I looked like an illegal immigrant smuggled away in a British family in a small village. The stars were out though, so that's nice, and we saw the sun come up. Eventful is an understatement.

Madrid
Was a much nicer weekend. Mostly I just loved the vibe of the city, and people and music on the streets, long into the night. Flamenco dancers were pretty cool too, even if the fog machine was a little overused in the performance, and people kept taking pictures with the flash. It is contradictory to say "No hablo espanol"? My grade 10 Spanish is sorely lacking, but some words did ring a bell as the weekend progressed. My flight was delayed for 6 hours though, and having spent 6 hours already 'sleeping' in the airport, it was not fun. That's a painting of Don Quixote fighting the windmill that I bought from a street artist. I also got one of a bull.

And Such
It's a little crazy to think that there is only 3.5 weeks left of my exchange. I've got papers to do, and, on the more fun side, still a day trip to Oxford, weekend in Paris, and a final weekend in London before flying home on Dec 16. Feeling a little ambivalent about going home, and especially back to Windsor, for surely drama awaits. But at the same time, you grow tired of being a stranger.

just be

Since my Scotland trip, I've been think a lot about the difference of a young person growing up in the Old World versus the New. I'm thinking, if I lived in a country with hundreds of years of history, then maybe it is enough just to be. Just exist, and live your life in your community, knowing that you are doing your part, but no need to seek for the ever elusive (North) American Dream. I think belong to a young country gives us illusions of grandeur, that we will become the next important person, change society, mark the world. But in a country were football rivalries are rooted in religious conflicts hundreds of years ago, where Roman walls of a 1000 years still stands, maybe you accept that it's not all about you and what you create in your short, short lives. The education system here supports that too, I think. They specialize very early (high school), and concentrate on only that area of their study. I know that doesn't mean they don't know anything outside their field, but I've taken courses in mathematics, astronomy, economics, philosophy, political science, history, biology, physics, chemistry at university, and I just can't imagine deciding at 15 or whatever what my career or my life was going to be about. But carving a niche early is nice too - it gives you certainty, perhaps, in those tumultous year of finding yourself.

I am still trying to do that.

I'm okay - just needed to let this out

I hate that I said, "It's me" when calling an ex(J), and I hate that the response was "I know that voice well". I hate that J think he has a free pass back into my life now. I hate that I could not adjudicate the sanity between 2 people who once meant the world to me (though not at the same time). I hate that I keep losing one again and again for the past 3 years, and every time hurts just as much as the last, if not more. I hate that I was excited when I thought J had changed, and then disappointed to discover that he hasn't, and that the simple truth that people don't change still elude me. I hate that J thinks he can ask about R, or expect me to take his side, no questions asked. I hate that I still care about R, and feel like I should defend him to J, despite R's inexcusable actions. I hate that I still don't have an articling job.

I hate I am 3500 miles away from home, and feel no more alone than I usually feel.

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OT: I can't believe my daemon has been changed 5 times already! It went from an ocelot to a wolf to a spider. My friends really don't see me as I see myself! =)

'normal' is a figment of my imagination

Any day that starts with a 6am phone call is not going to be great. Especially when said call is from an ex. And doubly so when the reason for the call is that he is being threatened by someone else, who named themselves 'kelly chan', and then proceed to interrogate/reveal intimate details about your relationships with your ex and with themselves. Although I have no confirmation except for an invitation to MSN with probably the same 'kelly chan', I will give you three guesses as to who is behind this. The first two don't count.

So apparently 'kelly' found the ex's email that I carelessly posted on someone else's wall for something, and then emailed the ex, and invited him to MSN with the promise of 'urgent information' about me to talk about. I believe the term is cyber-bullying. So the ex at first thought this was some twisted way for me to contact him, but then to his credit realize I am not crazy, and called me at 1am his time to warn me of this 'kelly'. Life is grand, no? Of course I can't get back to sleep after that. It is 9:32am my time now. Only 14.5 hours to go before this day is over. In terms of credibility, the ex may be a lot of things, but psychotic is the domain of someone else, so I find it much easy to believe him that you-know-who. It's a little scary, except for the vast protection offered by the Atlantic Ocean. I know I bring this trouble upon myself, but I'd wanted to believe that things were going to be different this time.

At least I am going to Scotland this weekend.

Train Stations & Why I Love Them

Last Sunday I took a full day trip to London. Woke up at 6am, walked for 45mins to the train station (buses don't run that early on Sunday in Leicester), got on the 7:45am train, arrived at St. Pancreas Station at 9:45am. Spent the whole day doing all the tourisy things. It was awesome. But nothing impressed me more than the train stations. I don't know why, but I'm so in love with them. I think it's the sense of grandiose, the super high dome like ceilings that reminds me of an armory. The hustle and bustle of people going important places. The punctuality of running on schedule, every time (I especially like this). The romance of a platform goodbye. The inevitability of the departed train. The full-throttle ahead. The safe screech of arrival. The passing landscape, here one moment, gone the next. My dad once said, don't forget to look at the scenery when you are driving by. But being in a train, you can look, but you can't stop. And the fragility and perhaps a little of the helplessness and lack of control over our surroundings has deep resonance with me as well. I know the sun shines beyond the rain, and you can't stay longer in a perfect moment than you can in a devastating one. The route is already set, and you know where you are headed. At least you think you do. But don't try to stay on too long, or the conductor just might fine you.

On the less emo side, here's something fun for you:
The trolley is actually half way through the pillar. Back to school!

Haven't Got a Mobile?!

I am going to London on a day trip this Sunday, and a friend of a friend has graciously offered to show me around. Except, he was slightly surprised/horrified that I don't have a 'mobile'. How could people ever find each other without one? To be fair, cell phones are so much cheaper here. With incredible foresight (but really mostly luck), I bought a Razr from Pacific Mall a while ago, so it's already got the right plug (I use a converter in Canada), plus is unlocked. The SIM card was free, and basically I just put money on it. The deal I got is 15p/min for any call within the UK, but only 5p/min to Canada, US, Australia or New Zealand! Yeah, so it's actually cheaper to call home then local! Hong Kong/China is only 6p/min as well. It's funny; the rate is in pretty much direct proportion to how much Britain likes you.

Little Things:
1. Traffic lights that go: Red, Red+Yellow, Green. I remember specifically having to unlearn this sequence when I first moved to Canada.
2. How phone numbers are like 11 digits long, and that it's different rates to call numbers from different providers.
3. Sitting on the upper deck of buses, and then flying down the stairs just before your stop.
4. Jaywalking made easy, but narrow streets.
5. 50min lectures, 2000 word essays (including footnotes!)
6. A big bowl of fruits for a pound at the Open-Air Market.
7. 'Still' vs. 'Sparkling' water.
8. How everybody is 'mate'.

I know what I forgot to pack... a boyfriend

I am surprised by how many international/study abroad students are here with their partners. How did they swing that?! Maybe couples just do things like this together - but it just boggles my mind.

Today is the first day of registration, but Law does them tomorrow. So I'm just staying away from campus today, and nursing this wicked cold that has my head exploding and eyes tearing every couple minutes. It is not fun. My immune system and I need to have a talk. Classes haven't even started yet!

So everyone else (British students) have moved in now. They are very nice, but VERY YOUNG. Of course, most students in residence are first years, which makes me, like 6-7 years older than them. Anyway, it's cool.

I think I've figured out why obesity is less of a problem here - the food sucks. Well, it doesn't suck exactly, I guess. It all looks pleasant enough, until you take a bite. And then you realize there is no taste. Even a McChicken taste different. The most flavourful thing I've had yet is the instant noodle for lunch today. This may be just cafeteria food, but maybe not. Speaking of which, my hall is catered, which I thought meant 'swipe your meal card' and it'll just deduct the amount. Not so. We pay a set fee and eat in the dining hall at set times every day, but for breakfast and dinner only. Lunch they expect you to eat at school, so they don't serve it here. Brunches on weekends. The staff sit on the podium at the head of the dining hall, and the students throughout the hall. It's interesting.

So tomorrow I'll get my timetable, and figure out how much traveling I can manage to squeeze in. It's October 1st already. I'd forgotten about Thanksgiving next week until I looked at my calendar today. They don't have it here.

Little Things that Freak Me Out/Surprises Me:
1. Kleenex for Men - it seems like they are bigger sheets, or at least in a bigger box. I don't know what would happen if you used it by mistake.
2. How the cashier wait until you have bagged and carried away all your stuff before serving the next customer
3. How all the cashier have chairs in the supermarkets
4. That flavour I've been missing since I was a kid is black current.
5. How, of all things, I forgot to pack an umbrella

an essential paradox

So we travel across the world, to learn about different cultures, and what do we do as soon as we get here? Find students from our home country. But if you are from Canada, or the US, there is really no easy way to identify 'your people'. Tonight, as the conclusion of International Students Orientation, there was a Cultural Event, which was basically pub night. Everyone was dancing in a circle, like junior high. But then, and Indian song came on, and the dance floor turned into a Bollywood movie. I swear, it was unreal. A little later, an African beat came on, and the black students took the stage.

Now, it is just me, or would that NEVER happen in Canada? Seriously, can you imagine? "Okay, now all the brown kids!" It's like that scene from Hairspray. All the black kids now! But then Kanye came on, to remind us that we are all the same, after all. Hip hop is our culture.

The Italians were pretty classy, using their flag as a table cloth for their wine glasses. Then a Canadian student sang a drinking song ('oh I wish I were in Sherbrook now...'), but few other Canadians recognized it. I did, because all I learned about Canadian culture, I learned from Cold Lake. Later in the evening, another Canadian student decided to start singing the national anthem, and wow, there are a LOT of Canadians here that I didn't even realize. I taught 3 American students to sing it (bilingually) afterwards. I had a drink called 'cider & black'. It was very yummy. May have precipitated the singing. Anyway, fun night. Oh, we were asked to go dressed in our 'traditional cultural dress' if we wished. The best any Canadian came up with was toques, sweaters with the word "Canada" on it, or a hockey jersey. It's kinda sad.

Which leads to my more meditative point. Seeing the Indian and African students dances tonight, I think maybe we lose something in Canada by being too 'colour-blind'. There is something to be said for giving cultures the space to be different, and acknowledging that difference by respectfully not trying to join in unless invited to do so. I'm not saying we don't do that in Canada. It's just, we do it differently, and then differently again at designated 'cultural events'. I'm not articulating my thoughts very clearly here.

Another thing. I have never been ashamed that I am Chinese (though I try very hard to hide the fact that I am). But in an 'international' situation, I say I'm Canadian, and I get asked, "Yes, but where are you from originally" Umm, my mother's womb. And I don't think the Chinese students can understand that I have less in common with them than that white or brown kid from North America. Ah, learning about the world!

in Leicester

First of all, there are more/different keys on this computer station I am standing at, awaiting the beginning of International Students Orientation. I hear there is going to be a magic show. No kidding.

Well, so far things have been going quite smoothly. The flight was fine, even though during the one hour stopover in Ottawa, we weren't allowed to get off, being 'in-transit' passengers. I didn't sleep much on the flight, which kinda sucked, but got to London all in one piece. The Gatwick airport reminded me of the old Hong Kong one, with the ugly yellow signs and general oldness. It was a brisk 14C, but felt much chillier because: a) I was tired, and b) it's wet. Waited about 1 1/2 for my bus at the lounge. It's a little disappointing /comforting for an international traveler to see La Senza, The Body Shop, Burger King, etc. Went outside to wait for bus, which was an hour late. I was pretty anxious the whole time, even after being reassured by the bus person that it was just running late rather than have left without me. The bus had to take a circuitous route through the other airports to pick up passengers, and not everyone got on at the other stops. It took 4 hours to reach Leicester. Hopped on a cab, whose driver had to GPS the residence address. Checked into my room, randomly the first student I met is from Toronto too. Went to supper, went to bed, freezing.

Finally fell asleep at 3am. Woke up at 11am and couldn't believe it was that late already. Found the Brit's Wal-Mart (Asda), so all is good. Got a duvet, pillow, mattress & pillow cover & laundry bag all for £8. Brought a bunch of other stuff as well. Was tempted to buy a coat for £8 as well, because it's so cold here, but the smallest size was an 8. Went back to rez, had lunch, figured out my phone number, registered with the school online, sorted out the stuff I bought, and started to walk to school.

The walk is suppose to take 40mins. Yeah, I know. What's the point of living in university residence when it's so damn far? But my hall is catered, which means they provided breakfast and supper, so I guess that's why there isn't enough room for that right on campus. It, of course, started raining as I was walking. I walked for 1.5 hours because I got lost. Well, not really lost, but not as correctly as I had hoped. Because the streets all change names for no apparent reasons. I asked for directions, and this man said, 'It's half an hour away, it's too far to walk!' Anyway, I walked through the, let's say ethnic part of downtown. You'd think there's still segregation going on here. Arrived at this gorgeous soccer pitch (football pitch?), Victoria Park, the backyard to Leicester. Got on the campus tours; really nice little place. Met another fellow Canadian, someone from Portugal, Turkey, etc. Orientation official starts tomorrow morning.

I'm sure I would have needed to buy stuff once I got here anyway, but the reason why I am so ill-equipped is a last minute discovery of the baggage restrictions for Zoom Airlines (as in, WHAT DO YOU MEAN 20kg in total?! I thought it was 20kg per luggage!) Luckily I discovered this before actually leaving for the airport, so the repacking as done somewhat logically. Still I decided against my winter jacket, and I could use it on, in the evenings at least. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to buy stuff! =)

things that freaked me out/amused me so far:
small toilet seats, a pink stretch limo, around abouts! (how do people not get killed everytime they cross the streets?), an MC/DJ at Asda who says things like 'why not have fish tonight? Remember fish is good for you!', lush lawns ('cuz what sprinkler system could beat rain 5 times a day?), trying to learn my coins, hearing How to Save a Life on the radio, feeling like I'm in Hogwarts

London Calling T Minus One!

I got a transfer from the TTC today, so I know that it's Day 265 of the year. I wonder what the last 100 days of 2007 will bring for me. To say the least, it will be exciting. Getting on a Gatwick bound plane in 25 hours. I feel like I'm on the top of a roller-coaster, ready to take that plunge. More than ready. I have been out of school for 5 months now; I hope my brain has not turned to mush. Or if it has, that will unmush quickly once I cross the ocean. I hope this trip will be more than I can imagine.

my sister on the National Post

A fashion blog for posterity

Strike a pose for future generations!

Adam McDowell, National Post

Published: Saturday, September 15, 2007

While most guests were trying to track down hors d'oeuvre at Ultra Supper Club Wednesday night, Yvonne Kai was on a different hunt.

When something catches Kai's eye -- a unique dress, hard-to-pull-off red boots or just the way an ensemble is put together -- out comes her digital point-and-shoot. A couple of head-to-toe shots later and the fashion blogger presents the accidental model with a card advertising her URL, longoverdew.com.

As at other sites chronicling fashion, such as thesartorialist.com, there's no room for fashion don'ts at Kai's site. Being posted implies one's outfit is worth sharing with the world--and worth archiving.

"I decided to start the fashion blog because I was already doing all these notes almost every day on Facebook," says Kai, who founded her site about a year ago. "I got 3,000 hits within the first week."

Taking pictures of grinning partygoers in their Friday best may seem to be a superficial enterprise. But Kai, who has a bachelor's degree in cultural studies, says longoverdew serves an important purpose. "I find it's important to document this," she says. "It's hard when the only medium to study fashion is through fashion magazines. They often only show high fashion and not street fashion. We're going to look back and have nothing to study."

While Kai still needs her job in marketing, she says, "I am making a bit of money" from blogging, through advertising and fees to appear at events.

The filmfest is a busy time for Kai. After an hour at the Ultra party for photographer David Drebin's book launch, Kai has five usable outfits on her memory card. It's time to head to another party at Cheval. More events means networking, and therefore more work, Kai says. She estimates she goes to six or seven events on a busy week (though she's not always diligent about posting all her material). For any socially active Torontonian, it's only a matter of time before Kai or someone like her sizes you up -- so dress your best.

© National Post 2007

Ten Days in Calgary

must. blog. about. trip.

It's been a week since I had an anxiety attack.

Ha! Thought that would get your attention. Let's start from the top...


First, I would like to let you know that this is real life. If you are late for your flight, because you relied on your sister's friend/taxi to get you to the airport, and arrived less than 30 mins before departure time, Toronto Pearson International Airport will not let you through the gate, even though they haven't even started boarding yet. Or maybe they had. I don't know, I didn't get that far. It's totally not like in the movies, where you can flash your badge, say you are an FBI agent, and get them to reopen the plane door for you. (don't worry, I didn't try to convince anyone I was on official business, even though I was using my permanent military ID).

So after all that, I had my flight rescheduled for the next day, and decided to take public transit to the airport. 'Cuz one $50 cab ride was more than enough. The Airport Rocket bus was faster than the cab driver from the night before, and it took a surprisingly short amount of time to get back to Terminal 1. I was 2 hours early. After all that, I can't tell you how happy I was to land in Calgary, even if the local temperature was 13C (it was 37C in Toronto).

Day 1 Thursday
Landed in the Calgary airport. Because I was sitting in the very back of the plane, I was one of the last to reach the arrival area. I saw him before he saw me, but it feels like everyone waiting for their luggage saw how happy we were. Dinner at Boston Pizza. Grocery shopping at Safeway.

Day 2 Friday
He worked from 6am-2pm, and then we went for a walk to the Glenmore Park Reservoir. Umm, let's just say there was a ring involved. I said we can reopen the topic for discussion at Christmas. I was adamant that I want to go to England to learn about myself, and I am certain that I can't do that wearing someone's ring. It ended up okay, considering. Went out to dinner/drinks with a bunch of his friends, who all helped me gang up on him (on other things). It was cute.

Day 3 Saturday
Drove out to Canmore for the day. It was absolutely beautiful. Mountains. Big Mountains. Clouds passing over Big Mountains. Snow-capped. I just can't get over them. I bleached his hair, and he did highlights in mine. He did the better job.

Day 4 Sunday
We started the day by going to St. Andrew's Presbyterian Church (yes, church) to hear one of his friends be the music director there, playing the piano, organ and conducting the choir. The sermon was about being a living testament to your faith, as in action makes the best sermon. We met up with his friend at Chinook Centre (as Marc corrected me, not The Chinook Centre) and had sushi. Met up with CLACSTC people at The Kilkenny for dinner.

Day 5 Monday
He went to work in the morning again. He cooked us chicken over the open fire pit in his backyard. I think we watched the new Michael Moore docu-dramady Sicko that night. Oh, and I dyed his hair blue, 'cuz his roommate had some leftover from a previous adventure. Night drive out to Kananaski Country to see a billion stars.

Day 6 Tuesday
We went downtown, Chinatown, Mountain Equipment Coop, and the TD Tower/Bankers Hall mall, with a solarium garden on the fourth floor. He got a new cellphone, tossing a coin between green or purple, because I refused to let him buy black. Besides, the green goes with the blue hair. Things were going well, until I had a little panic attack that night. Well, I don't know if it was that for sure, since I've never had one before. Basically I was feeling extremely warm, drowsy, and couldn't catch my breath. It was pretty scary. More on that later.

Day 7 Wednesday
Quiet day, aftermath of above attack. I took a long walk, basically freaking out over the phone with sister and friend. He went to pick up his parents from the airport.

Day 8 Thursday
Went to brunch at Nellies with all the rooster deco with Marc. Sorted things out with Rob. Went to visit Marc at his work in the library in our fancy clothes, en route to dinner at Kensington. A view of downtown at night from a looking point.

Day 9 Friday
The Calgary Philharmonic Orchestra played a free, lunch concert at the Petro Canada Centre, so we went to go check that out. Went to say hello to his parents, who told us all about their trip, and took us out for ice cream. Dinner at his friend's house.

Day 10 Saturday
Packed, several tearful conversations later, drove to the airport. Flight delayed twice. Got home at 1:20am. Already miss him.


Thoughts
So I thought the anxiety was related to my uncertainty about relationships. Not this relationship in particular, but whether I am equipped to share my life with someone else. I mean, I know that I don't have the best track record in this department. But at some point you have to be a little introspective and wonder whether the problem lies within rather than without. I said that I thought something in me might be broken, and he asked whether he broke it. Maybe, I didn't say. Rather, I thought maybe I broke it, by being careless with my heart. I don't know how to feel. On the one hand, I miss him terribly. Undeniably, he has grown up. I have imposed a no-phone call rule until Christmas (part of the Find Myself in UK plan). On the later hand, I wonder whether I love him simply because he loves me. I suppose there are worse reasons to be with someone, but I'm not sure it's sufficient reason. Or because I just feel vindicated that this mess of our history can/has finally amounted to something. I feel my family may prove to be an insurmountable obstacle for this to progress any further. Even under the best circumstance it was going to be a hard sell. And these, my friends, are not the best. It will most certainly be impossible if I am not 100% certain that it is what I want, and am willing to defend.

In my head, I think in circles.
In my heart, I miss him so.

September Days

It's a time, a place, a memory, a feeling. It fades into the background in everyday life, but comes rushing back at full force in the right context. Then it's as if you'd never left.

I moved my cousin back into residence today, at McMaster. I always smile when I do that turn on that highway, and the lake comes into view, 7 minutes before the exit to the school. I have done that drive a hundred times, and I would never tire of it. As soon as I turned into the university, I ran into a friend of mine, who now works there full time. Then the blasts of music come into earshot, and IT'S FROSH WEEK! Obviously I'm not one to party, but once upon a time I spent an entire summer planning welcome week for all the students in residence. Seeing how things were going today, the different groups in their brightly painted coveralls, the anticipation and thinly veiled apprehension of the first years... it's just great. I'll never forget how I felt at 17, moving my pillow into that all-girls hall. Nor at 20, watching 5000 students participate in the activities I planned. It's an awesome feeling.

I've been feeling a little sentimental already, this being my last year of school in the foreseeable future. But it's also weird to not be starting school with everyone else tomorrow. I have this lull of 3 weeks before leaving of England, while everyone will already be hitting the books. Well, let's be honest, buying the books, at least. I guess it prepares me for how it's going to feel next year, when September will just be another month in the routine of life. Or not, since God willing I would have started my articling job by then. I will miss the promise of the autumn breeze, fresh notebooks and back-to-school haircuts.

Until I have kids of my own.

he cancelled

About an hour before we were suppose to meet. Problem solved. Except for the fact that he said the purpose of today was to discuss where we plan to go from here. Huh?? I thought we were done. He used the L word, and posted his half of an old picture of us, status: wishing to complete this picture. Oh God. Why do these boys never understand what they have 'til I'm SO DONE with it?


My "I thought this was over" relationship is getting in the way of my "it's complicated" relationship.

Let's go to the Ex!

Sorry, that's from the commercial for the CNE, aka The Exhibition, but I'm talking about something entirely different here.

What is the rule on seeing the Ex? There must at least be guidelines, or recommended courses of action, right? If they really want to 'see you', and 'keep in touch', etc, what do you do? Do the same rules as for first dates apply? Well-lit places with a clear exit strategy, planted phone calls in case you need to escape, plus no touching under any circumstances? Help!

Science Centre

Even though I was just there in May, I can never resist the geek in me to spend a day at the OSC. The Titanic Exhibit did not disappoint. At the entrance everyone is getting a White Star Line boarding pass, with a mini-bio of one of the passengers. Then you go through various rooms with artifacts and quotes, my favourite being Guggenheim's "We were dressed and prepared to go down like gentlemen". The eerie blue lights casted a glow of despair and doom at the part about the collision with the iceberg. There is an actual 'iceberg' there that you can touch. And at the end is a wall with all the names of the survivors and the lost, and you try to find out if the person on your ticket survived. Very well done. I may have to watch Leo & Kate's version soon again too.


Stardust
You have to go see this movie! And I guess it is a book too, so I'll be reading that.

where do I go from here?

Cold Lake
Felt terribly sad leaving camp early on the eve of graduation. Cold Lake was fantastic this summer. Old friends, new friends, the familiar and the new and exciting. A job that allowed me to see all of the camp, instead of one particular course. The same anticipation as I felt nearly a decade ago now, when I first arrived at the camp. A place that molded and guided me into who I am today.

I used to take pictures of everything to make sure I'd remember. Now I know that I will never forget.


Interviews
What can I say? I had a total of 9 articling interviews this summer, and not a single job offer. I am feeling defeated. I don't know where to go from here. The chances of securing a government job after graduation is now all but gone. I thought I did well, at least for 3 of them. I don't know how to be different, or 'better'. What am I going to do now? I feel that it was foolish for me to hope, and be so happy when I found out about all the interviews I was going to. I feel that I have betrayed the kind words and encouragement of everyone at camp. I feel like I've let them down. I know that in the grand scheme of things, this is but a blip in my career. But right now all I can see is the blip as a chasm between me and happiness. I feel hollow.

quick update

Computer network on base have blocked all personal pages and Facebook, so we actually have to do work in the office this summer...

Last night was the Staff BBQ, and I received my 3 year Mug for staffing this camp. Pretty thrilled about that. It's engraved with the camp crest and my name and everything.

Had a nerve-wrecking morning of call day for Toronto interviews on Friday, that it's all good. Got a bunch of interviews, including my top choice, so I'll be heading home from camp early to do those. My friends here gave me a cake and went out to celebrate with me that night. It was excellent.

The Ex here is being really, really difficult. I feel sorry for him, but I also feel sorry for me for being stuck in this situation. Not really something I can blog about. Call for full details.

ETA in Toronto Aug 11th. Because I'm taking off early, I'll probably just not that my annual leave days here. Been a pretty good summer so far. Fitting if it is to be my last.

learning to be happy

It's hard to be content, when you know you can be so much more. But life is not perfect, of course, so we have to take the good with the bad. Seems like my job is going to be awesome, but can't count on anything exciting happening on the relationship front. Which is probably a good thing. I know they say you should take time for yourself, enjoy being single, etc, etc. But how many people actually forgo a chance at butterfly-in-tummy bliss for normal? I should not complain; I am among many friends here. So what if we don't talk? Is it really a big deal to not acknowledge a tumultuous affair that lasted far longer than it should have? One that ended on an October day two years ago? We have put each other through hell, there is no reason to destroy each other again for the possibility of a smattering of good days. We had our chance. There is no going back.

A/Std O

In the wonderful land of Cold Lake again. This year, I will be the Assistant Standards Officer, which means quality control on the level of instruction. Very excited. Our staff cadets arrive tonight.

captain qualified

Just came back from course in Trenton yesterday. I am now officially qualified to be a captain. Whether the promotion happen or not will depend on other things.

Like with most of these courses, the candidates are told that they are professionals, only to be treated like kids, or worse, because I would never talk to my cadets that way. Maybe because I've been away from the system for a bit, it gave me some perspective into how screwed up some aspects of the system really is. Anyway, done and done.

Leaving for Cold Lake on Sunday. Another summer of camp, probably my last one. Feeling ambivalent about it, but a little more towards positive as the day approaches. Still have things that I have to take care of for exchange in the fall. Hope I can get that sorted out before leaving. Still looking for an articling job.

He wants to see me, but I know better than to drag this thing out.

calm before the storm

A series of lazy days is ending soon. In a week I'll be leaving for my Captain's Qualification course at Trenton. Home for a week after that, then off to Cold Lake.

It's been a ridiculous month of DVDing. I've now watched all 3 seasons of LOST, and am hooked. I'm even watching Chinese shows. Don't ask.

I wonder if I'm being overly optimistic about this whole articling thing. I don't want to be over-confident and end up under-applying. I know that this, like most things, cease to be significant the moment it's resolved. It's the waiting part that kills you.

I'm not sure if I'm being too harsh in not talking to him. Is it just avoidance of the issue, or it is truly for the best? I have no idea anymore. Obviously I need a new distraction. (that's what England will be for) =P

where the line's at?

You said you didn't want to talk to me after I moved out, so don't call.

I am SMART!!!

I got some damn good grades - beyond my wildest imagination!

I feel so much more hopeful for nailing an articling job now. =)

looking for something

Feeling melancholy. It's not that I miss the relationship, exactly, because all its frustrations are still fresh on my mind. I just miss... being a part of that kind of life. Sure, being home helps, as it forces me to adopt a completely different role, one that I don't play often.

Am I just me when I'm somewhere on the 401 en route from here to there?

great quote

Came across this in my research:

"A cultural cosmopolitan is one who learns Spanish, eats Chinese, wears clothes made in Korea, listens to arias by Verdi sung by a Maori princess on Japanese equipment, follows Ukrainian politics, and practices Buddhist mediation techniques."
~Jeremy Waldron

home now

Relatively settled in - for the next two months or so. I was calculating how often I've moved since leaving for university:

home
-> Hamilton, Mac Wallingford Hall Sept 99-Apr 00
-> Shanghai, Dad's Apt May 00 - June 00
-> Lindsay, Power Scholarship July 00 - Aug 00
-> Hamilton, Mac Moulton Hall Sept 00 - Apr 01
-> Scarborough, home May 01 - Aug 01
-> Hamilton, Mac Moulton Hall Sept 01 - Apr 02
-> Hamilton, Main Street Apt May 02 - Apr 03
-> Scarborough, home May 03 - June 03
-> Borden, Camp July 03 - Aug 03
-> Kingston, RMC Sept 03 - June 04
-> Cold Lake, Camp July 04 - Aug 04
-> Scarborough, home Sept 04 - June 05
-> Cold Lake, Camp July 05 - Aug 05
-> Windsor, Residence Sept 05 - Dec 05
-> Windsor, Wyandotte Apt Jan 06 - Apr 06
-> Windsor, University Apt May 06 - Apr 07
projected
-> Scarborough, home May 07 - June 07
-> Cold Lake, Camp July 07 - Aug 07
-> Leicester, Residence Sept 07 - Dec 07
-> Windsor, Residence Jan 08 - Apr 08


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who lives like this?!

congrats!

My cousin just got engaged - best wishes to Andy and Tiff!

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one exam left - COME ON, FRIDAY!

this moment

Been lulled away by the facility of facebook as of late, but in the small hours when sleep eludes me, comfort is still better found in the written word. Wrote 3 exams this week, 1 left next Friday. Big gap - a bit of a breather.

Moving back to Toronto this Sunday. Part of me find it hard to believe that I've lived with a significant other for a whole year. The other part can't wait to get out of here. I don't know if it's bravado or just plain oblivion, but he's shown me plans of how he will redecorate the place once I'm gone. Asked if I could still occasionally crash here this summer if need be. He hesitated. Jokingly asked if he will be having girls here. 'Maybe' hurt more that I expected.

Got an offer for a research assistantship for 8 weeks of the summer. Pretty interesting stuff, so hopefully I can work something out by doing research in Toronto for the first 2 months, and then go off to camp for the second 2 months. I complain, but a lot of the times things do fall into place for me. For that I should be grateful.

* * *

I wish I were different. I don't know different how. It is not that I am unhappy; I just want more. Bear with my self-aggrandizement, but I want to be extraordinary still. But how can I be what I'm meant to be, when I don't know what that is? How can I shuck off this mortal coil and dream once more?

Love. It turned out to be not what I imagined. Life. A listless wandering sprinkled with discounted Cadbury eggs. Career. What if no one wants to give you a chance to do what you want to do? As bizarre as this may seem, I hear a recurrent lyrics from Beauty and the Beast:

"There must be more that this provincial life"

in dreams

A combination of stress and studying, coupled with a headache, put me in bed from 7pm last night to 10:30am this morning. My body is seriously crashing. A handful of weird dreams that I can remember:

1. I was in the back seat of a car with my sister, my mom driving, grandma riding shotgun. Over were going fast on an overpass, and below was a variety of brightly coloured fabrics laid out, a sort of flea market. We keep looking over the side of our windows, going too fast, and then all of a sudden we drove off the overpass, and started hurling towards the ground. By a series of cunning manoeuvres I was able to somehow get the car to land on a huge shipping container. I was unscathed, but I couldn't find the others. By the time I found my mom, my sister was already jabbering unintelligibly on her cell phone. No sign of grandma. Went looking for help. Got to a hotel, asked to use their phone. Dialed 911, and told the police that we were in a 'catastrophic' accident. He mocked me, until I described to him what happened. Then he sent help. By the time I went back to the crash site, my entire extended family was already there, grandma include safe and sound.

2. I was thirsty and also wanted a slice of Kraft cheddar cheese. So I got up from my bed and started to head towards the kitchen. But somehow, the space of the room and the kitchen at overlapped, so I could get to the kitchen by feeling around, without actually getting out of bed. Got my cheese and could actually taste it, plus 2 gulps of the cool, refreshing water. Then I headed towards the window in the room, but realized that it corresponded to the balcony from the kitchen's perspective, so I could have fallen off. Saw my plant in the kitchen, but realized this morning that it was an old plant. Usually I can tell when I am dreaming, and settle in for the ride. Seriously disturbing when you think you are awake, but you aren't, or can't wake yourself up. I did finally got up and got water though.

3. In my old house, with my black lab. Keep dreaming of this house, and it was always comfortable to be there, almost 'my' house. Black lab was playing with my sister's current white pitbull. Another random white dog was around, as well as my cousin's old dog Wolfie.

Weird stuff floating around in the subconscious.

The State of Things

I had the 2nd of my 2-part Outbound Orientation for Exchange yesterday, and am super-psyched about it now. Too bad it is still half a year away.

We are on the cusp of April - 4 exams in about 2 weeks. I have two 100% finals. Don't know a thing about Family Law.

On April 20, I'll be moving back to Scarborough. Still have no idea what I'm going to do this summer, but oddly complacent about it.

We broke up, effective April 20th. I know, it's weird. I guess I'm just hoping that not living together will ease the transition. It was never meant to be. I'm not just trying to re-write history. Reading my diary, it's abundantly clear that wasn't ever going to happen. Living here for another 3 weeks is not going to be easy; it already isn't. It's like there is no reservations anymore, so we feel like we can say all the things left unsaid before (read: fight everyday).

I'm 25 - there is no reason to despair. I want things, but want has never been a good measure of reality or entitlement. Nor wishing, nor hoping. All I have left is faith, and to that I try to keep my eyes on.

Look at Me!

I am in today's University Daily News!

I wonder what I'm doing with my life. I feel like it's slipping between my fingers. I feel lethargic and unmotivated. I feel complacent yet terrified about not having a summer job yet. I feel like I've been living a lie. I feel like I can't go on like this, not even for another 6 weeks. Not for another 6 days.

Radio Interview

I've been working on a project for the Human Rights Office on campus, and I got interviewed by the school's radio station today! They are broadcasting a short segment of the interview tomorrow, and then a one hour version some time in the future.

I feel so famous. heh.

This is the gist of the project:

Exchange to UK

I just got my acceptance for exchange to the University of Leicester for the Fall term! For the geographically challenged (like me), see map below:

Off to Ottawa!

I'm flying to Ottawa tomorrow, for the Laskin Moot Competition. We are actually going to be competing in the Federal Court - how cool is that?! Fly home to Sunday for Reading Week.

As for the relationship matters I cannot control, I've decided to try to just let it be.

I feel like we broke up psychologically, without actually saying the words. If I no longer believe that this is going to happen, would it be better to walk away sooner rather than later? And if we actually said the words, how will we continue to life together 'til the end of the term?

I am so tired.

down

Is it just the winter blahs? I've been feeling directionless & unmotivated. I need a reading week right now. I am just so tired. Uninspired. It's the half-way point, no turning back now. I want to feel that spark again, when I felt like there isn't anywhere else in the world I'd rather be, or anything else I'd rather be doing. I still know that to be true - I just don't feel it.

Family Law

is all about sex. Who's having it, with whom, got caught, who's not having it (denial of sex can be considered cruelty of the spouse, which is a ground for divorce).

Now you know everything.

I am so screwed

Just got my fall term marks. It's a sad day. =(

Things You Should Know

From The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Travel
(one of my awesome birthday presents)

How to Foil a UFO Abduction:
1. Do not panic
The extraterrestrial biological entity (EBE) may sense your fear and act rashly.

2. Control your thoughts
Do not think of anything violent or upsetting - the EBE may have the ability to read your mind. Try to avoid mental images of abduction (boarding the saucer, anal probes); such images may encourage them to take you.

3. Resist verbally
Firmly tell the EBE to leave you alone.

4. Resist mentally
Picture your enveloped in a protective shield of white light, or in a safe place. Telepathic EBEs may get the message.

5. Resist physically
Physical resistance should be used only as a last resort. Go for the EBE's eyes (if they have any) - you will not konw what its other, more sensitive areas are.

The Birthday Circuit

As Jonathan puts it, I'm finally done 'milking my birthday'. Okay, okay, is 3 parties really excessive? 25th is a big one, right? =)

Anyway, my cake with the family consisted of strawberries, and general Chinese bakery yummy-ness. My sister said I'm almost 30, which is so not true. I think my friends would agree that mid-20s last until 29, at least.

The birthday dinner with friends in GTA was at the Pickel Barrel at Yorkdale. Even though I made reservations and confirmed 2 days before, they still made us wait for 40 minutes before we were seated. We got free appetizers and desserts out of it though, so I guess that's okay. In general it was great to see how different groups of my friends can mingle, and really how much we all have in common (besides knowing me!). Good food, massive portions.

Last night was Part III of the birthday celebrations, and I had a potluck with my friends here in Windsor. LOTS of food, really excellent stuff. It was mostly girls, but Jonathan wasn't complaining about that. I guess the company of so many women was well worth the barbecuing duties he had. He also entertained us with his newly acquired Dance Dance Revolution skills. What a guy. ;)

back to school

This term, I am taking Family Law, Civil Procedure, Child and the Law and Business Association. But the bane of my existence is getting this factum done for the Laskin Moot Competition. At least it's due next week, so the pain will end soon.

It's finally started snowing.

Had a great birthday: cake with family, dinner out with friends, and a potluck dinner planned for this Friday here. Actually the best birthday I've had in years =)


separate thought: why do past relationships still haunt and linger?

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!

Woo-hoo!!

bye bye baby

I sold my little kia today. =( My 'Wilson' (named after the volleyball in Castaway) has been with me since summer 2001, and we've had some wicked adventures together, including some tete-a-tete with more than one snowbank. It just wasn't worth repairing anymore. So I'll be joining the masses of the carless now. It's a sad day.

Happy 2007!

Wish I'd taken this picture, but I was tucked away by a fire in Kitchener. =) All the best for the new year.