he booked a flight!

Oct 1 can't come fast enough for me! =)

pre-emptive reactions

I have discovered that I have this somewhat unnatural habit of, not just preparing for the worst and disappointment, but actually forcing myself to accept it as reality before it actually comes to be. Is this a defense mechanism against showing emotions when the outcome actually happens? Do I just want to be perceived as level-headed that I pre-emptively feel and react alone, so it will seem like I'm in control when it actually happens? But that's really bad, 'cuz then people think that things don't matter to me, when they really do. So much so that I don't want you to see how much.

Then, on those rare occasions that I was actually wrong, and the best things transpire; the joy is unparalleled.

I am discovering that I'm really as odd if not more than I ever thought I am.

another life

This is my sister's new puppy, Lia (short for Ophelia). I'm sure she'll have more pictures up at medori soon. I was visiting her new place yesterday, and shopping for housewarming gifts (microwave and shelves) for her, with her. And throughout all this, Rob was texting me. I can't help but daydream what life would be like if I were more content to be ordinary, and we both had a higher emotional quotient to know how a relationship works. Wouldn't it be fantastic if I could be living with him, with a new puppy, making money instead of going into debt for the next 3 years? I want to go to law school, but I also want to be with him. I know, I know, it'll all be worth it in a couple years. But will he be there in a couple years? And when all my professional dreams have come true, would it matter if I couldn't share that success with that person?

back now

I would say 'home again', but it doesn't really feel like home. Whatever, I'm leaving again in 2 weeks, and I can't wait. Just reading the stuff school has sent me over the summer has got my pulse racing. I have direction in my life! I have career plans! I'm going back to real school!

Left Cold Lake on Friday night. Didn't get to say goodbye to too many people, 'cuz I was the first to leave, and everyone else was still working. Marc called and left me a voicemail, which was nice, though he was talking in tangents like a boy. Did manage to see Rob before I go. Both of us were near tears. (sigh) So things are... what they are. By which I mean I have no idea.

Got to Edmonton Garrison, where I was spending the night. One of my cadets took my duffle bag home by accident, but luckily it was returned before my flight the following day. Saw a couple more people at the airport. Flight was delayed for an hour, and somehow turbulent. Whatever. I got back in one piece, with all my luggage, and even managed to not have to travel in uniform. Unpacked, put all my camp stuff away, and sat and reflected on what the hell this summer was.

I feel like I've finished nothing, accomplished nothing in completion. Professionally, it was not challenging, and somewhat frustrating as I tried to minimize the impact of others' oversight. Socially, it was good to be returning staff, and have several groups of friends to count on and hang out with. Romantically... well, you know. I keep trying to tell myself to stop asking why, and how it could be so screwed up, 'cuz I know there is no answer forthcoming. I spoke to two of my friends today, and they were bewildered as to why I am still involved in this mess. I am too, to tell you the truth. But I'm stubborn, and I refuse to believe that there is something that I can't do, that I can't achieve by sheer force of will. I've never lost at anything that mattered before, why should I now? I try to be responsible in all other aspects of my life, and I want to be able to be reckless in just this one thing. Regardless of how much it hurts or heals, how much joy or pain it causes.


I do have to thank you all for listening to my endless complaining here. I'll try to spice up the writing a little from now on, so it's not so depressing. This picture is for PM.

Hurry Up, Friday!

It is not that I want to leave - I have a lot that I like here. Friends that actually care, my own bed and space, a reasonably meaningful job, and food cooked for me. All of which are luxuries that I won't have once I get home. Thank God I'm leaving for school again in two weeks. Anyway, I was assigned to escort one of the buses of cadets at the end of camp, so instead of leaving early Sat morning, I'll be going Friday after supper. And that's exactly what I need. The level of drama has reached epic proportion. But at the same time, I think I'm finally starting to realize that this was never meant to be. No matter how hard we try, how stubborn we are, how much we want this, or how many people have faith in us, at the end of the day, I'm insecure and he can't provide me with the reassurance I need. I know he loves me, but not in the way I need him to. If you get burned enough times eventually you have to admit that even the temporary warmth is not worth getting barbecued for. I just have to let that small hope die, crush it out, stomp on it 'til it's gone. It's the only way I can get on with my life. So even though I'm sad to leave, and will miss Cold Lake cuz this could very well be my last summer, I'm begging Friday to hurry up and pull me out of this emotional black hole.

default mood: miserable

Things are bad again. =( I just want to go home. One weeks left.

beautiful lies

It's been a week, so maybe I can post something about it without worrying too much that it is going to fade away. Do you have any idea how powerful something like "I'm still in love with you" is, especially taken on an empty stomach? Against statements like that, I have no defense. So yeah - it's still Rob. I have no expectations or plans for what's going to happen 2 weeks from now, when camp is over. I just want to enjoy every moment before I get on a plane on Aug 20th. I never thought that I'm the kind of person who would prefer to believe a beautiful lie than the brutal truth. This lack of integrity should really bother me more, but I really don't care. I just want to believe that everything is okay, at this particular moment in time.

thanks for all the fish

Reason #366 for moving to Vancouver - the seafood!! The sushi I had was not only good, it was dirt cheap. Going to Cold Lake all summer, I'd resigned myself to no sushi for 8 weeks, so that was a welcomed treat.

However, my third goldfish just died. I'm going to be a terrible parent, right?