I've been seeing this guy. Well, that's perhaps overstating the case. But regardless, we came to the point where we had the 'where is this going talk?' last night. And in truth I know exactly where this is going - nowhere. Not because of lack of interest, necessarily, but because I'm done here in 6 weeks, and he has 2 years to go. That is, if he doesn't transfer back to Vancouver.
I just feel tired. I feel like I've had this same conversation a thousand times before. I know the script and can say the words, but all without feeling. Is this how we get calloused? We love, we get hurt, and the next time, we give a little less, while trying to steal a little more in the short while? We grow weary of believing, and is a little more hesitant to the 'long-distance', having done it before and our hearts broken? We can only conclude that time and circumstances are always against us, and all we have is the here and now, so we'd better hold on, but not too tight, so it'll hurt less when it's torn away? I know we are only being realistic, and I guess we'll just hang out until it's not so convenient anymore, but all this makes me incredibly sad.
STILL looking for a job.
Maybe everything will go easier, if I can just stop hoping altogether.
3 comments:
You should have given me a try. ;)
Oh well, I think if you are too realistic, then it wouldn't be love. I my not have started off by giving it all for my current relationship, after I was hurt before, but then I realize that I have to, since then I have nothing to regret afterwards, if it still doesn't work. No pain, no gain.
I'd love to tell you that things will get better. That if things look bad, that you only need to look at the horizon, and that whatever you see, whether it be sun rise, mid-day sun, sun set, or starry skies that at least you know things will get better.
However, I don't know that I can. In fact, I wonder if people like us are exhibiting signs that we are going down the wrong path. That eventually our destinies will lead us to being those people who end up having only their jobs.
And with many of my close friends getting married now (as I'm sure it's the same for you) I think we run the risk that we'll eventually miss the boat when it comes to having a partner to share your life with. And in my current situation, I must admit that I'm a little jealous of them for finding that someone with whom you can share that level of intimacy.
Don't worry. Be Happy. Doooo Doo doo do doooo do do do do doo do doooo, do do do do doo do doooo, do do doo do doooo.
Thats not what I was going to post at all but thats what came out. What I was going to post was don't worry, someone will come along and when you try to use the script they will change the prompts. It will fluster you, and flatter you, and soon the script will be thrown out and you will be adlibing in a way that feels fresh and new. I can't say how it will end, but it will feel good again in the moment. Enjoy the moment, we don't get enough of them.
The fact that you sense it and feel bad about it means that you still feel which is better than being completely numb. Numbness leads to amputation if you stay numb long enough, and no one wants amputation.
You could apply at the Library and fill in for me in the summer if you like.
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