Okay, I am officially freaking out now. I don't know why this didn't happen earlier, but it is hitting me full force now. I have been sitting in front of my laptop for 3 hours, and gotten absolutely nothing done. Never mind not writing anything new - I haven't even gotten around to opening the word document. I am just so ... scared to go through this crap again. Because, I guess, I didn't think it was bad the first time I wrote it, and now I have to accept that it all merits a rewrite. I don't know how to do it any differently from this! I have never really revised anything before. Write the paper, hand it in. I am seriously having a crisis of confidence now. Does this mean that all the other papers I have written in the past 5 years all should have been rewritten too? I mean, obviously I am not going to do that, but it says a lot about the quality of my writing, no? And writing is all I know how to do! I have never considered myself a writer, but a grad student who can't write competently - what good is that? The ability to express your idea clearly through the written word is the only thing that can justify how I've been spending the past 6 years. Otherwise I might has well have gotten married and have babies and raise a family or whatever. How the hell am I going to get through law school if I can't even do something I've been working on all year well?
A part of me just want to give up this degree. I am serious. I really don't care anymore. Except then how can I justify the hell that was last year? What do I tell myself all those other papers I've agonized over are for? I remember a term from first year economics: sunk loss. Bascially, don't throw good money after bad. So regardless of last year, I should just stop investing in this degree I cared nothing for in the first place. I just want to go away and start doing something new. Anything but write another word on prisoners of war. I don't have a single original idea left.
3 comments:
Look at it this way, you already put in 2 years, why not finish the damn thing in another 2 months?
Your supervisor is the only one saying you need to rewrite. Nobody said you don't know how to write. Even if he/she said that, so what? One person's opinion. Why damage yourself over it? So he/she has bad taste, so what?
This is no "sunk loss". If you screw this up, I know you have huge opporitunity cost - the two damn years of whatever you are capable of doing.
You want to move on, right? Law is what you want, right? Your admission have factored in this degree too, right? One of your possible career is with JAG, right? Get over this hurdle and you will be on your way. Done and over with.
Unless you want to be a revolutionist who dies easily, just follow the damn system and get what you want.
You can do it!
I have just had my first ever Law course today: Business Law. From what the prof (who is an accomplished lawyer) told me, it more about wording and communication. Yes, writing is in it, but, hey, have you seen legal documents before? All gibberish. Even if you really think your writing is bad, WHICH I AM THAT'S NOT TRUE, you've got to learn it all over again in Law School anyway.
Pull yourself together. I know you can do it. I know why I like you so much. You are just great. Better than the best people. You can do it. You are strong enough for it, and I (and "the boy", I think) will be here to support you.
'k... your supervisor is supervising you--that's her job. what good of a supervisor is she if she doesn't add even her 2 cents into this writing process? it's part of the system, mich, that once you enter into this weird apprentice-like relationship (even for a year or two) you're expected to give and take when it comes to your supervisor. so go through it, don't do a complete overhaul, but try to remember the more salient points of her critique and address those.
seriously, if she thought your writing was crap she'd tell you flat out that you're not worth the effort. some people will even decline to work with you right there and then. she hasn't done that, which means she sees something worth unpacking in your work. so don't be so hard on yourself. i know it is sheer AGONY feeling as though you've been an idiot all this time with your writing. you're not an idiot, okay?! supervisors are made to feel as though all these years they've put into their profession grants them the authority to criticize "younger" academics' work. that may be true in some cases, but admittedly there are plenty of issues here that ought to be questioned...
so yes, pay attention to her suggestions and address them to the best of your ability. but don't think she's writing you off (pardon the pun) as a failure. as unbelievable as it may sound right now, she is just doing her job and trying to help you...
keep at it, and good luck.
-Karen
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