waiting on my world to change

I have about 3 weeks left in my firm. People are asking how I am feeling, and whether I am excited about my new job (starting in about 5 weeks). How do I explain this? How can I be excited about leaving a place that's basically my home for the last 2 years, where I spend 11 hours a day at least, and still, by choice, hang out with the people there after hours? That I don't really feel like I have a choice about leaving, and the situation was made difficult by things beyond my control, but that I still don't hold any ill will over anyone there? That I hope I can go back there some day, but not make that sound pathetic?

There is a new and exciting job waiting for me in September, but I fear that's all it will be - a job. It wouldn't be like this; something that I define my very self by. It just won't be the same.

I have been a lawyer for one year. (more reflections later)

choices

Career-wise, I am at a crossroad. I know that these decisions seem insignificant in retrospect, but always looms larger than life at the time you are trying to pick a path. For the past two years, I am been a criminal defence lawyer. Well, one year as an articling student, and one as a lawyer. Now, due to changes in Legal Aid and internal staffing uncertainty (read: maternity leave), I have been offered a 6 months extension on my previous one year contract. It feels like a 'please find something else' kind of offer, although I understand the position of the firm. So I looked elsewhere, and had two prospects: another defence firm, or the Crown Prosecutor's office.

I have nothing ideologically against working for 'the other side', but what's hard is that I feel like the decision is being forced upon me by circumstances, by the fact that I am a woman and wants to have kids soon, and by the fact that everyone seems to like to think that I'd be a good 'Crown'. In no small part because as a woman and a visible minority, I get the double whammy of PC advantage, especially in Alberta, especially in criminal law, especially in government. So it all seems like a good idea, so why don't I stop trying to do something different and just go?

Working for the government was what I wanted to do after school. I interviewed at countless departments but wasn't offered a job. So now I should be overjoyed, right? So why am I not? Civic service was instilled in me young.

Then on Canada Day, I see hundreds of people waving flags, and I am filled with love for this country. So I know that wherever I end up, I will be contributing to this beautiful place that I am blessed to be living in.