this life is taking its toll on me

I want to be at camp! The course is just starting now, and I want to be there, not here. Here is nice, but there is more fun. I miss my friends, I miss the frostbite mornings and scorching afternoons. I miss the mandatory fun mess night. I miss the flight line. I miss the school. I miss calling a fold-out table my 'office', and I miss brainwashable staff cadets. Wah! I want to be at camp.

Is it just human nature that we want what we can't/don't have? I remember the hell that was last summer, yet I want to go back for more. Not more hell, but everything except that gruesome relationship was good. I want to complain about the heat instead of sitting in an air-conditioned office typing. I want to work with people instead of files.

Is it awful to say that this is almost exactly what I want from life? Almost. So close that if you don't look too intently, it's almost exactly it. I could have gone to England this summer, or done an intensive one month of French immersion at U of Sask, and then headed off to camp like always, and made more money that way. But instead I'm here doing a job that I really, really hope is going to help my career. I remember making a decision like this once, turning down being a returning staff cadet to Cold Lake, and going on Power instead, and that didn't work so well. Why can't I stop my obsessive-compulsively planning and scheming and just live a little?

Is it awful to say that he is almost exactly who I want? Are the little things just details that you learn to compromise with to have mostly what you want, or is it pointing to something more fundamentally wrong? We were talking about future goals, and he said that he will not move to Toronto just so I can work on Bay Street. We both want to go to Vancouver, and I want to work for the government, so it shouldn't even be an issue. But just the finality he said that with; I guess I have my answer, should I ever have to make that choice. And yesterday, my sister is going on vacation and asked me to watch her dog, and when I mentioned it to him, he goes, "You didn't say yes already, did you? I live here too". Again, not a big deal 'cuz I didn't promise my sister, but weren't we talking about getting a dog about a month ago? And why does he think that he should always come first between my family and I? I understand he lives there too - I just thought he'd be more open to the idea of me helping out my sister if she needed. Which is what essentially the Bay Street discussion was about. I have responsibilities to my parents, to providing for them, and I think 'living your dream' is a luxury, one that he can afford because his parents are retired and self-sufficient and don't depend on him to take care of them after he graduates. Again, just little things, but it drives me nuts.

Life is a battle for me, but a joyride for him.