I was writing in my journal today (yes, I keep a paper one too), and I realized how screwed up my life has been this year. And every couple weeks I seem to have an internal battle with myself as to whether I am happy or not. If I'm the type who liked drama in a relationship, we'd be having a fight every couple days because of my crippling insecurities.
I don't understand it. Everything is great, yet I'm not sure whether I'm trying to convince myself that I'm happy or that I am not. My sister once asked me whether this was my Great Love. That was another time and in another relationship, but still I wonder: do I want passion or security? I don't doubt that we care a great deal about each other, but is this the 'til-death-do-us-part kind of love? And if it isn't, should that be a deterrent in continuing the relationship? I think the trouble is that I have a roadmap for my life, and I seem to be (unfairly) just trying to audition guys for that complementary role so I can have my happily ever after shortly after graduation, and my 2.3 kids preferably before I'm 32. I want the SUV and the picket fence. Do I want him?
I don't know where this doubt is coming from. Nothing has changed between us. I just seem to be allergic to happiness, and have never learned contentment. I could blame this on an X who really screwed up my perspective on relationships. But it might be easier just to blame myself.
We were listening to a recording of Siyahamba at band practice today, and I just feel lost.
2 comments:
I spend my whole life lost.
Same questions, same insecurities, same doubt...unless we're talking about the one who got away - and in the process stole every bit of trust and hope and heart that I had left.
I don't think you don't have to put an expiry date on your relationship - June 28th 2006 or June 28th 2046. Just trust that he makes you happy for right now - that's more than most can ask for. And isn't that where we're supposed to live? In the right now?
Planning never works...
n> you're right, I should just carpe diem and all that jazz. Kinda wish I was leaving for Cold Lake in a week.
y> dogs are not a substitute for men, though mostly they are cuter
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