Anyone who I've had a serious conversation about relationships with, no doubt knows that there is just one guy I measure all others against. And often find lacking. The trouble with having too much time on your hands is that you start thinking about nonsense.
So he was having a minor crisis last week. And me, being me, immediately wanted to get him to talk to me about it. Part of me just wants to return the favour, 'cuz nearly every time I have a relationship thing, he is the one I run to. And part of me just want to know that I can still be that person who he'd feel like he can talk to. Anyway, crisis pretty much over, but now I'm left to over-think the whole situation.
Is it a sign of true friendship-after-relationship if you can talk about current relationship issues with them? We were saying how we are going to be bored until camp starts, and I almost (half-jokingly) said, "Maybe we should hook up for two weeks". What the hell is wrong with me? We are BOTH in relationships. We are both in long distance relationships. Anyway, we should still be able to have fun, and spend some time together, right? 'Cuz I know we won't at camp, when our respective significant others are there, and then I'll be gone again, for 3 years. What did we use to do when we were 16, with no money and no car, and no idea that we were in love?
I was sorting out my stuff and found some old floppy disks. For some reason, I had the foresight to save the entirety of our ICQ conversations that we had during my first year at Mac, the year we finally realized that we were in love after 5 years of knowing each other, and 1.5 years of being 'just friends'. And even now, 6 years later, reading that chat log, that relationship seems so much more real than the one I am in now. I love Rob, but that love seems so baseless and shallow compared to a relationship that was built on 5 years of friendship.
Look, I know all this is ridiculous. I just need to find something to occupy myself with, and I'll stop reminiscing about things best left in old shoeboxes, files that should never have been found and read. I have a boyfriend waiting to spend the summer with me.
It's just that this whole year, being back here, has been an endless trip down memory lane. Thoughts and emotions are even stronger now that I am preparing to leave again. Even in the best of relationships, one can wonder what could have been with that one old skool love, right?
... don't want you back,
But I'll never, ever love the same way again...
1 comment:
This is definately not ridiculous. In fact, it's the exact same thing that I felt in the beginning of the year. Now you know what I felt back then!
I always have faith in relationship-turn-friendship and vice versa. There is a fine line between real close friendship and relationship, but this fine line means a lot, and it's never straight.
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