pretty bad

I'd say 'worst Christmas ever', but I don't want to tempt fate to give me a worse one further on down the road. It started off okay. Went to church in the morning with my cousin, had a good lunch discussing his university plans and relationships (not in too much detail, of course - he's 17). Then, met up with Jasmine at Yorkdale, and found a random subway place to sit down and catch up. Then, we saw King Kong, which had a real kind of beauty to it, minus the Jurassic Park IV trailer section. All the way, my sister has been experiencing this pain in her back. The doctor thought she broke her backbone, but it ended up being an infection. So when I returned from the movie, I went to the hospital. And stayed there, listening to my sister's alternating crying and screaming in pain. The morphine wasn't working anymore. My mom would only go home when I promised I'd stay there with Yvonne. So that's how I spent Christmas night - on the 4North Wing of North York General Hospital. The 'break' hasn't been the least bit relaxing at all. I just want to go back to school.

In Fours

FOUR JOBS YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE
1. Instructor (Cadet, Math, Science, Gymnastic)
2. Chapters - Kids Dept
3. McMaster Student Centre Admin Staff
4. McMaster Welcome Week Planner & Residence Staff

FOUR MOVIES YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER
1. Shakespeare in Love
2. Lord of the Rings
3. Bridget Jones Diary/Edge of Reason
4. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

FOUR CITIES/TOWNS YOU'VE LIVED IN
1. Hong Kong
2. Toronto
3. Hamilton
4. Kingston

FOUR TV SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH
1. The West Wing
2. Grey's Anatomy
3. House
4. Futurama

FOUR PLACES YOU'VE BEEN ON VACATION
1. Bangkok
2. Malaysia
3. Japan
4. Florida

FOUR WEBSITES YOU VISIT DAILY
1. Yahoo! Mail
2. Blogspot
3. Globe & Mail
4. televisionwithoutpity.com

FOUR OF YOUR FAVOURITE FOODS
1. Sushi
2. Pizza
3. Mashed Potatoes
4. Chicken Wings

FOUR PLACES YOU'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW
1. Kitchener
2. Windsor
3. Vancouver
4. anywhere but 'home'

my grandma's is fuller than an Inn in Bethlehem

Finishing that last exam was actually kinda of anti-climatic. Maybe I was just tired, maybe I just wanted to go home. Anyway, went out and had a drink with a couple friends last night, and drove in pretty bad traffic that extended my 4 hour trip to 6 today. Just my aunt and grandma were home when I got in, so I had dinner and then decided to go to my second grader cousin's Winter Concert. It was pretty funny. Then, it being Tuesday, I went down to the squadron at the end of the training night, and went out with the staff afterwards. It was nice to see everyone, even though I saw them just 3 weeks ago. Now I'm waiting for my cousin to get out of the shower, so I can wash up for bed. My uncle and other cousin has recently moved back in to my grandma's, so for the next two weeks, I'll be sleeping on an air mattress in the living room. Fun. And biblical.

who am I?

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Cadet Banquet

There was a snow squall warning on the stretch of the 401 to Toronto, so I really shouldn't have gone. But it's just too much nostalgia to miss out on. I realized that the people there, will always be home for me. I got to do a presentation and sergeant promotions. The funniest part was when I walked in, and the some of the senior male cadets were trying to decide who will escort me to my table. Then they saw Luke, and ask if he was going to do it instead. All the while my boyfriend was standing behind me. So I was a little flustered when I said, "I have... a guest". Heh.

Then we drove to Waterloo to stay over at his parents' house. Nothing like meeting the parents for the first time past midnight. It went well though.

Mostly I'm just surprised that it felt so comfortable. Usually I'm the hermit who doesn't like spending extended amount of time with just one other person. 48 hours is a long time.

Pride & Prejudice

No matter who is narrating, how many renditions of it I see, I will also love this story. I think it is just inspiration of intelligent women that they too can 'get the right guy' at the end. Traditional fairytales don't really emphasis wit for damsels in distress. The movie was gorgeously filmed too. I remember the four days I spent in London when I was nine, and the country side really looks like that. And who is the actor playing Darcy?

Finished the memo yesterday - handed it in a whole day early. Pretty impressed with myself for that - that nearly never happens. I don't know if it's any good though. The prof mentioned that it should take about 40 hours, and I only clocked 25. The only reason I know that is because we have to keep a docket sheet of how long we spent on it, in order 'bill' our client hypothetically. I can't imagine that piece of writing being worth $4000.

like you didn't know already

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? sadly, I'm pretty much an exclusive textbook reader now

WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I have the sensor-pad on my laptop

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE BOARD GAME? abalone

FAVORITE MAGAZINE? People's Sexiest Men Alive ;)

HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? two

WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? faith

FAVORITE FOOD? salmon sushi

DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? sure, but with my tires, it's pretty much slip 'n slide all winter

WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? 2001 Kia Rio

FAVE DRINK? shirley temple (don't really feel like I can get away with ordering it anymore)

IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE? Canadian Ambassador to UN

YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOUR WHAT WOULD IT BE? turquoise, like someone from Sailor Moon (I'm totally kidding)

FAVORITE MOVIE? Shakespeare In Love

DO YOU TYPE WITH CORRECT FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? I think so. If I didn't, how would I know?

WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? summer clothes

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SPORT TO WATCH? figure skating (only sport I watch)

HORROR OR COMEDY? Comedy - I don't like scary movies

FAVORITE TIME OF DAY? dusk

IS THERE ANYONE YOU HAVEN'T FORGIVEN? sure, and I'm at the top of that list

WHAT TYPE OF MILK DO YOU DRINK? homogenized

DID YOU MAKE THE BED THIS MORNING? yup

HOW MANY TVs IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD? 1 in my room

WHO PUTS THE GARBAGE OUT? me

WHAT'S YOUR WALLPAPER ON YOUR COMPUTER? picture of Storyeum banner in Vancouver this summer

WHAT IS YOUR OCCUPATION? professional student

WHAT COLOUR IS YOUR UNDERWEAR? right now? black

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? laptop over-heating

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? pretend Chinese food from rez cafeteria

DO YOU WISH ON STARS? yup

IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? white

HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW? unseasonably warm rain

LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE TO ON THE PHONE? the boyfriend

DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Marc's okay, Nikki's awesome

HOW OLD ARE YOU TODAY? 23 (birthday soon! )

HAVE YOU EVER DYED YOUR HAIR? yup

DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS OR GLASSES? day: contacts, night: glasses

PETS? my fish died (continuing trend from summer)

FAVORITE MONTH? September, December, March

WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? RENT

FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? December 24 (I like the anticipation)

WHAT DO YOU DO TO VENT ANGER? play the sax

FALL OR SPRING? fall

HUGS OR KISSES? hugs

CHERRY OR BLUEBERRY? cherry artificial flavour, but blueberry the fruit

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? I don't cry (often or much)

WHAT IS ON THE FLOOR OF YOUR CLOSET? rollerblades, duffle bag

WHO IS THE FRIEND YOU HAVE HAD THE LONGEST? Joyce

WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT? memo assignment, Desperate Housewives & Grey's Anatomy

FAVORITE SMELL? fresh cut grass

WHAT INSPIRES YOU? astronomy, speeches, kids

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? relationships

PLAIN, CHEESE OR SPICY HAMBURGERS? cheese

FAVORITE CAR? beetle, protege

FAVORITE DOG BREED? lab, yorkies

NUMBER OF KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING? three

HOW MANY YEARS AT YOUR CURRENT JOB? I've been a student since I was 3

FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK? Tuesday/Wednesday

HOW MANY PROVINCES HAVE YOU LIVED IN? just ON

HOW MANY CITIES/TOWNS HAVE YOU LIVED IN/NAME THEM? Hong Kong, Toronto, Hamilton, Kingston, Windsor

DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO EMAIL YOU BACK? nah, don't procrastinate like me

WHICH PERSON YOU SEND THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? not sending it anywhere

WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Ibid

SAY AT LEAST ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU.
Marc is the most sarcastic nice guy I've ever known
Nikki makes me proud to be Asian like her ;)

RENT!

I've loved this musical since the first time I heard Seasons of Love (performed at a cadet mess dinner! the poor kid - some CO's idea of after dinner entertainment). Haven't seen it on stage though. Anyway, saw it in theatres yesterday. I had really high expectations for it, and the movie met them, so that's good. Even though rotten_tomatoes didn't think so. Sometimes I make up my mind about a movie before I see it though. I mean, maybe it's all state of mind. I tend to enjoy those movies that I've decided to like. Although, usually I don't make up my mind ahead of time. Not sure that makes sense.

Working on a memo advising a (hypothetical) client on getting an annulment to her reality show wedding. Word to advice, everybody. Make damn sure you like the person you're going to marry. Annulment? Not an easy thing to get. Probably why they made divorce so much easier. A couple weeks 'til exams. I don't think I've written five in the same term since third year. Then, Christmas. This term has flown by.

eta: Happy Birthday snarky_freak!

purple heart

Your Heart Is Purple

For you, love is about establishing and developing a deep connection.If it's true love, it brings you more wisdom and inner strength. Your flirting style: Sincere Your lucky first date: An afternoon at a tea house Your dream lover: Is both thoughtful and expressive What you bring to relationships: Understanding

What Color Heart Do You Have?

bewildered

So, Rob felt compelled to leave me two messages last night at 2:30am, calling me a (excuse my language) whore. I'm serious. I really don't know what to do. I know that it really shouldn't matter what he does anymore, and I can't let him hurt me. It's just unbelievable to me. I mean, I thought I knew this person. I can't believe how wrong I was about him. It's kinda scary, really. It makes me seriously question my judgment.

And if I was so wrong before, how can I know that what I have now is right?

clarification

In response to some (frantic) inquiries, I would just like to clarify that I am NOT moving in with this new guy I'm dating. Things are going well between us, but come on, it's only been 'official' for two weeks. Even I am not that crazy and reckless. =)

I'm moving into a one bedroom apartment 'cuz I'm tired of living in residence. Just want to feel more grown-up, since I still carry a schoolbag everyday.

a sexy social conscience?

Why is it that there are some social issues that I can identify with so much more than others? Look, I'm not indifferent to the plight of the Aboriginals, but why does the concerns faced by Blacks touch me on such a deeper level? The equality battle fought by the people with disability is no less arduous than that against the GLBT community; so why is it the latter that I can empathesize with more? In our Criminal Law class, we are continuously challenged to take all these concerns into consideration in light of how the legal system differentially affects racialized and marginalized groups. So it is just an individual difference in what moves us more, or are some social concerns just 'sexier' because of how they have been advanced by the media in our society?

What moves you?

found a place

I'm moving into this cute little one bedroom apartment after Dec exams! I found this place about 20 mins (walking) from the school, and it's on the second floor of a 14-units, 3-storey building. I've never really seen a place like this. Three rooms in a 'line': living room, kitchen/study, bedroom. There is a 'bar' in the kitchen. I can't wait to move in. No more residence life for me!

But more importantly, I've found a 'place' (as cheesy as this sounds), with this guy. Falling is easy, I know, 'honeymoon' stage and all that. It just, makes me smile.

Inspiration

Last Wednesday night, I stayed after class and watched one of the upper years' moot competition rounds. The school invites local lawyers to act as judges, to give students a chance to practice their advocacy skills. All first years will be required to do this at the end of the year, so I thought I'd see how it's done before I actually have to do it myself.

So in the conference room, 3 'judges' and 3 'counsels' wore black robes, and argued a criminal case. It is not unlike debating, so I knew I was going to like it already, but I just didn't expect how much I liked it. I know I like to argue, and formalities and stuff, but this litigating stuff is just so cool.

Thursday and Friday I spent at a conference at U of T, celebrating the 20th anniversity of Section 15 of the Charter of Rights and Freedom. They invited people who were working on the Charter at the time to speak (including Joe Clark, Roy Romanov, etc) and two retired Supreme Court judges, as well as academics and practioners. These people have been 'lawyering' longer than I've been alive. Though the days were long and intense, I was so inspired. I know that a big drawback to working for the government rather than the private sector is of course the money. But public service just has that kind of meaning that I don't think I could find working for big businesses. Inspired to keep reading hundreds of a pages a week. =)

Other News

Considering moving out of residence, like, now. Just getting too old for it, I think.

Unbelievable

He called my mom. Yeah. Rob called my mother, asking why I broke up with him, how can my feelings change, how I can be interested in another guy. And you know what my mom said? "It's better for you to break up now than for it to end in a divorce." Yay mommy!!

He also told her that he applied for the Windsor Police. And my mom goes, "Don't do that; she's not worth it." Under different circumstance, I might object. But right now, I'm just thrilled that my mom was fully briefed on the whole fiasco beforehand.

No More

I'm done with boys. I'm done with relationships. I'm just going to spend at least the next three years trying to make something of myself, and forget about all these unnecessary complications. I'm the problem, I'll admit it now. So I'll just not get involved anymore.

My heart needs a break.

Couldn't Do It

I thought I was doing the right thing, but I was deeply unhappy after making that decision. So I chose another course.

I broke up with him.

I hope that this time, it's really the right thing. As right as something can be when you make someone cry...

Do What You Must In Love

My band played at the 100th anniversary of the Leamington United Church this morning, and the service was radio-broadcasted (which makes me feel a little bad about missing a few sharps, but hey, I was sightreading the entire repetoire!)

So this morning I took a glorious drive in the sun and breeze for about40 mins to get there. And the sermon was that we all have difficult decisions to make in life, that God is not going to make them for us, but will still be there to pick up the pieces when we mess up. A lot of times, we have to choose between the greater of two goods; but more often, the lesser of two evils, perhaps. The line the resonated with me the most was the reverend's only guidance in making those tough choices: Whatever it is that you must do, do it in love. Not the romantic, sentimental kind, but in a selfless, unconditional way.

I needed to hear that message very badly this morning, as I was ready to break someone's heart. And now that I have made a choice, he may never know how difficult the decision was for me. But I chose him, and at least bruised another's heart instead. I don't know if it was the right decision, and I'm not sure that it isn't too trivial for divine intervention.

boo

I know it's not the end of the world to get a B on my first assignment. The problem is, I thought it was better than a B. I even revised and edited it, several times. That's not a guarantee for any of my writing for the past 6 years. I've done this school thing for long enough to know that marking is subjective, or at least that's what you tell yourself when you don't get an A.

The trouble is, I didn't give up two $40 000 job offers to get B's in law school. So what do I do? I always hate October - it's when reality strikes, and all the promise and romance of a fresh start gets stripped away.

Of white baboons & the CDC

Finally, a dream to rival Sumyunguy's:

So to start off with, you have to know that it is an episode of The West Wing. However, it has nothing to do with the campaign trail stories the current episodes are bogged down with. Instead, it is more like an episode of The X-Files or Alias. The teaser: CJ and Toby are in Hazmat suits, fiddling with some chemicals inside a lab. Then there was an explosion, and they had to get this biohazard/radioactive material out as the lights are flashing and loud annoying honking sounds go on in the background. There was another pair, one scientist and one child who had some artifical brain experiments being done to her, also escaping from said lab.

The next parts are only sort of in order, 'cuz I can't remember exactly how it happened. The child has some steel brace thing instead of a skull, and she kept screaming about the evils of big oil companies. We are back in the basement of my old house, except there is an extra room added, where one little alien type thing bit a big white baboon and turned into a baboon herself. Various other transformations of aliens into different animals. Then, the cast of The West Wing is back, and Kate Harper (new character from last season) is designated to handle this outbreak along with the Centre for Disease Control, in a meeting taking place inside an airport hangar. Somehow we are at my Law School now, and a lecture ended at 11:45pm, and the next thing I know, it was 12noon. Turns out I never made it home, and slept on a park bench all night. Then, the last part is the real kicker: I had to help my mom turn back into the big white baboon, 'cuz that's what she really is, and my aunt is my real mom. She was unhappy and at physical discomfort being human all these years. So we said a very emotional goodbye, about how we enjoyed our mother-daughter relationship even though it was never meant to happen. Then I had to lock her into that small, extra room in the basement with a huge window. She got ready to tranform, and just as she did, the little white baboon joined her (it wasn't me) and they shattered the glass window and went howling into the night silhouetted by the full moon.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was, I think understandably, freaked out. It was 3:30am, and I just wanted to hear his voice. Instead of letting it go to voicemail, he picks up sleepily, reassures me that it's okay, just a dream, and even laughed a little with me about how crazy it was. So I really miss him now.

he's gone...

last Sat: arrived at 10:30pm
Sun: haircut at the mall, study in the library with me to catch up on reading
Mon: I went to Property Law class, then we are off to London. Lunch with Jasmine, continue to Niagara Falls. Fancy, grown-up dinner in hotel where we were staying (Fallsview Sheraton), Falls and Clifton Hills at night.
Tue: Niagara Falls to Hamilton. Missed the exit by 20 mins (oops!). Back tracked to Mac, campus tour. Hamilton to Toronto. Checked in to Holiday Inn on King. Dinner with sister, visit at cadets, out with officer staff after training night.
Wed: Lunch with mom and grandma, tour of Scarborough, dinner with Taz, drinks downtown
Thurs: Back to Windsor, Criminal Law class, drinks downtown
Fri: downtown Windsor, Art Gallery, Windsor Symphony Orchestra Concert, The Corpse Bride, drinks around campus
Sat: Detroit, drive around Windsor, Dinner at Boston Pizza, drinks downtown
Sun: drove to Airport

I miss him already, but not as much as I thought I would. Is that bad? He was crying as he left, and I... was just kinda relieved to get back to my life. Not that I didn't enjoy having him here. I just don't know how to share my life with someone like that. What am I suppose to do?

All I Want for Christmas

... is highlighters. Seriously, I've used up three already, so I'm averaging one per week. Sometimes I'm pretty much just colouring the books.

Carbolic Smoke Ball Formal tonight. The boyfriend arrives tomorrow!

Yuk Yuk's Comedyfest

As one of our last events for social orientation, the student society organized a Yuk Yuk's night for the first years. I've seen one of these shows before in Barrie, and I was a bit disappointed at this one.

Then again, pretty tough crowd. How do you make jokes about law enforcement, politics, or anything else for that matter, in front of 50 elitist kids who would like to think of themselves as intelligent, socially aware, and law-abiding citizens? It's just a no win situation.

Or have I become one of those annoying people who can't be content telling people that I'm a student, but feel compell to add that I'm 'going to law school'. It's like I feel that I have to justify why I'm still living like a kid, and don't have an honest job like everyone else my age. This is my SEVENTH year of university, and two more to go. I get tired just thinking about it.

a sappy forward

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot,

who calls you back when you hang up on him,

who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead,

who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats,

who holds your hand in front of his friends,

Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you

and how lucky he is to have you.

Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."

Yeah, it's just a forward, and he doesn't do all those things yet. But at least he is trying, right?

Yes, I'm a romantic fool.

have you ever found...

I think all the ladies reading this can might know what I am about to describe. Maybe the guys can offer the situation some illumination.

Why is it that when you are in a relationship, all these other guys seem to be interested in you as well? Is it just a male competition thing? Does being in a relationship somehow changes a person's confidence, or just removing that vibe of "I'm single and looking?" Is the chase that much more thrilling if there is already someone else involved? I just don't know, but I'm experiencing the weirdest drama lately.

All of you reading this will no doubt realize just how strange all this sudden attention is making me feel. And having never been approached or hit on really, I have no idea whether an invitation to coffee is just that, or has some cosmic, hidden meaning in the social dating world. Or does arranging for ride for you to a boat cruise count? Is it just first week orientation over-friendliness, a need to make a connection somehow when you are surrounded by strangers, or something else?

I'm glad that I'm already in a relationship, and only need to understand these gestures in an effort to be polite and friendly. I really don't know how to navigate these strange waters if I actually had to figure out what they mean.

p.s. where the hell were all these guys in the past 5 years?!

other news
I played with the Greater Windsor Concert Band last night! It's a community band consisting of about 40 musicians, with about 1/2 of them over 60 and retired, and the other 1/2 around 30-40, and just a handful of younger people. It was so much fun! I haven't played in a proper band since high school, and this is definitely something I want to keep doing as a way to keep my sanity in law school. The old men are so funny too. They were wishing each other good luck on their knee surgeries. Really, no kidding.

from Nikki's blog

Your Birthdate: January 4

Being born on the 4th day of the month should help make you a better manager and organizer. You may be more responsible and self-disciplined than you realize. Sincere and honest, you are a serious and hard working individual. Your feelings are likely to seem somewhat repressed at times. The number 4 has something of an inhibiting effect on your ability to show and express affections, as feeling are very closely regulated and controlled. You are apt to be much more practical, rational, and conscious of details. There is a good deal of rigidity and stubbornness associated with the number 4.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Curious Optimism

Classes start on Monday, and I'm curiously calm about this whole thing. Of course, that could change very quickly once we actually get going, but for now, reading my Criminal Law Syllabus, I'm oddly elated that the 20% assignment is only a 10 page paper. It is reassuring to have weekly assigned reading, rather than the go-forth-and-venture-yourself that was grad school for me. Professors telling you exactly what to do! What can be nicer than that?

I'm doing some serious thinking about not being involved with cadets this year. I'd made the decision to take at least a year off, but I kinda freaked out and thought I really needed the money when I found out that my mom is giving me the car to take here. I should just trust myself a little more and realize that I can probably get another job that's less time consuming, and that I could possibly be more excited about, or at least not dread. I took fourth year off cadets as well, and perhaps it once again time to give myself a sabbatical from youth work.

I decided to volunteer at the University Human Rights Office. Maybe take on a couple more things. I really want to play in a band again, but I'm pretty out of practice. See what I can find.

the view from here

This is the view from my rez room. Really, no kidding. Not bad, huh? Today, at our first academic orientation session, the President and Provost of the university gave us a welcome address, followed by the dean. Wow, you know you've made it when you get the Prez. I don't think I saw Peter George once until fourth year at Mac.

Got my schedule today - no class before 10am, and none on Friday! I don't know about my section though. We are divided into groups of 8, who we have all our classes with. My group is 2 guys and 6 girls, including myself, and the some of the girls seem pretty high strung and high maintenance. Oh well, Orientation sometimes make people strange.

I took a two hour walk along the river yesterday, and got pretty sunburnt. Here's a picture of the Detroit downtown skyline. Eve's Bite, on the left bottom corner, is one of the pieces in the sculpture garden on the Windsor side.

young, smart & sexy

I met my law school class for the first time today, and those are the three adjectives that come to mind instantly. Okay, I know that I don't get out much, but I have never seen a more attractive, confident crowd. I met a whole bunch of people whom I'll probably forget by tomorrow, but still, it was fun. There was a few from Mac, and one person even recognized me from my days of working at the student centre admin office, two years ago! Excited about the next 3 years.

pack and go

Wow, did I ever underestimated how much stuff I have to bring! I thought I'd be fine with 3 suitcases. It turns out that 3 suitcases took care of my clothes (note: not including shoes). Okay, okay, so I was, strongly encouraged, to bring everything with me (summer, fall, winter clothing), and I don't have any particular interest in coming back anytime soon. So, lots of stuff: my sax, my trumpet, stationary chest, 2 storage boxes of... stuff, one sports bag of shoes, printer, stereo, rice cooker, diplomas and other stuff to go on the wall, one duffle bag of cadet stuff/uniform parts, etc, etc, etc. Plus laptop, hangers, hairdryer... I just want to be prepared, right? ;)

It's my cousin's birthday tomorrow, so we are going to have a barbecue as a joint b-day/farewell party for him/me. I'm going to aim to leave by 8:30 Sunday morning. Getting excited about school (yes, I know I'm a geek).

new phone

Here it is, my brand new LG2000. I don't need a camera at all (considering I just brought a digital one this summer), but the rest of them are either ugly or too expensive. I realize that I cannot live without the flip function, because without it, I don't have an 'escape button' (by flipping it close and reopening) to get back to the main screen when I get lost, which was what was frustrating me the most about the other phone yesterday. I had to keep turning it off and on. Crazy, I know. By even cell phone use is habit forming, right?

clarification

Sorry, let me clarify:

Rob booked a flight for Windsor in October, to come see me.

On other news:

I dropped my phone in water yesterday. Totally fired. I'm so sad, 'cuz I really liked my Sony Ericson z200. So I went out and got the cheapest replacement I could find, which was a Siemen A65. But that phone is like working in MS Dos. So I'm going to return it and go for something today.

he booked a flight!

Oct 1 can't come fast enough for me! =)

pre-emptive reactions

I have discovered that I have this somewhat unnatural habit of, not just preparing for the worst and disappointment, but actually forcing myself to accept it as reality before it actually comes to be. Is this a defense mechanism against showing emotions when the outcome actually happens? Do I just want to be perceived as level-headed that I pre-emptively feel and react alone, so it will seem like I'm in control when it actually happens? But that's really bad, 'cuz then people think that things don't matter to me, when they really do. So much so that I don't want you to see how much.

Then, on those rare occasions that I was actually wrong, and the best things transpire; the joy is unparalleled.

I am discovering that I'm really as odd if not more than I ever thought I am.

another life

This is my sister's new puppy, Lia (short for Ophelia). I'm sure she'll have more pictures up at medori soon. I was visiting her new place yesterday, and shopping for housewarming gifts (microwave and shelves) for her, with her. And throughout all this, Rob was texting me. I can't help but daydream what life would be like if I were more content to be ordinary, and we both had a higher emotional quotient to know how a relationship works. Wouldn't it be fantastic if I could be living with him, with a new puppy, making money instead of going into debt for the next 3 years? I want to go to law school, but I also want to be with him. I know, I know, it'll all be worth it in a couple years. But will he be there in a couple years? And when all my professional dreams have come true, would it matter if I couldn't share that success with that person?

back now

I would say 'home again', but it doesn't really feel like home. Whatever, I'm leaving again in 2 weeks, and I can't wait. Just reading the stuff school has sent me over the summer has got my pulse racing. I have direction in my life! I have career plans! I'm going back to real school!

Left Cold Lake on Friday night. Didn't get to say goodbye to too many people, 'cuz I was the first to leave, and everyone else was still working. Marc called and left me a voicemail, which was nice, though he was talking in tangents like a boy. Did manage to see Rob before I go. Both of us were near tears. (sigh) So things are... what they are. By which I mean I have no idea.

Got to Edmonton Garrison, where I was spending the night. One of my cadets took my duffle bag home by accident, but luckily it was returned before my flight the following day. Saw a couple more people at the airport. Flight was delayed for an hour, and somehow turbulent. Whatever. I got back in one piece, with all my luggage, and even managed to not have to travel in uniform. Unpacked, put all my camp stuff away, and sat and reflected on what the hell this summer was.

I feel like I've finished nothing, accomplished nothing in completion. Professionally, it was not challenging, and somewhat frustrating as I tried to minimize the impact of others' oversight. Socially, it was good to be returning staff, and have several groups of friends to count on and hang out with. Romantically... well, you know. I keep trying to tell myself to stop asking why, and how it could be so screwed up, 'cuz I know there is no answer forthcoming. I spoke to two of my friends today, and they were bewildered as to why I am still involved in this mess. I am too, to tell you the truth. But I'm stubborn, and I refuse to believe that there is something that I can't do, that I can't achieve by sheer force of will. I've never lost at anything that mattered before, why should I now? I try to be responsible in all other aspects of my life, and I want to be able to be reckless in just this one thing. Regardless of how much it hurts or heals, how much joy or pain it causes.


I do have to thank you all for listening to my endless complaining here. I'll try to spice up the writing a little from now on, so it's not so depressing. This picture is for PM.

Hurry Up, Friday!

It is not that I want to leave - I have a lot that I like here. Friends that actually care, my own bed and space, a reasonably meaningful job, and food cooked for me. All of which are luxuries that I won't have once I get home. Thank God I'm leaving for school again in two weeks. Anyway, I was assigned to escort one of the buses of cadets at the end of camp, so instead of leaving early Sat morning, I'll be going Friday after supper. And that's exactly what I need. The level of drama has reached epic proportion. But at the same time, I think I'm finally starting to realize that this was never meant to be. No matter how hard we try, how stubborn we are, how much we want this, or how many people have faith in us, at the end of the day, I'm insecure and he can't provide me with the reassurance I need. I know he loves me, but not in the way I need him to. If you get burned enough times eventually you have to admit that even the temporary warmth is not worth getting barbecued for. I just have to let that small hope die, crush it out, stomp on it 'til it's gone. It's the only way I can get on with my life. So even though I'm sad to leave, and will miss Cold Lake cuz this could very well be my last summer, I'm begging Friday to hurry up and pull me out of this emotional black hole.

default mood: miserable

Things are bad again. =( I just want to go home. One weeks left.

beautiful lies

It's been a week, so maybe I can post something about it without worrying too much that it is going to fade away. Do you have any idea how powerful something like "I'm still in love with you" is, especially taken on an empty stomach? Against statements like that, I have no defense. So yeah - it's still Rob. I have no expectations or plans for what's going to happen 2 weeks from now, when camp is over. I just want to enjoy every moment before I get on a plane on Aug 20th. I never thought that I'm the kind of person who would prefer to believe a beautiful lie than the brutal truth. This lack of integrity should really bother me more, but I really don't care. I just want to believe that everything is okay, at this particular moment in time.

thanks for all the fish

Reason #366 for moving to Vancouver - the seafood!! The sushi I had was not only good, it was dirt cheap. Going to Cold Lake all summer, I'd resigned myself to no sushi for 8 weeks, so that was a welcomed treat.

However, my third goldfish just died. I'm going to be a terrible parent, right?

The West Coast Calls My Name

Got back from my leave in Vancouver yesterday. What an awesome trip. I love the city, and rude/self-righteous people, the mountains and the water. Pretty much everything about it. I think I have to somehow make my way out there, and stay for a couple years. It feels like childhood (Hong Kong), and thus home, in a way that Toronto never did. The salty breeze envelopes my every sense, and it just feels right.

Maybe it's because I have been having such an emotionally traumatizing summer; maybe I just really, really needed to get away from the whole relationship thing, but seeing UBC, spending 5 hours at Stanley Park (even seeing the Aquarium with everything from butterflies to beluga whales to seahorses), checking out the Chinatown Night Market, taking the Aquabus as taxi on water, shopping at Gastown, night strolling on the beach, Robson St & Davie St - it's all just incredible. I stayed at the YMCA downtown 'cuz my cousin totally forgot to get me a room on campus, which turned out to be just fine 'cuz I'm right in the middle of everything. I even saw a theatrical performance called Storyeum, about the history of BC. It's performed underground, and the audience actually move with the actors to different sets for different eras. Very cool. I really needed the time away, and for the first time in my life I was not excited about coming back to Cold Lake. Maybe this is the end of camp for me.

More later.

I'm pretty sure...

that there is a special place in hell reserved for people like me. In fact, I'd put money on that. Why? 'Cuz hanging out with a guy who is a friend of your ex sounds like the beginning of a bad sitcom. Not only that, the guy is also a music instructor (just like Rob), also goes to U of Cal (just like Rob), makes the same jokes 'cuz those are the ones that get told in their office, and is also another generic white boy. All this might be excusable on some shaky ethical grounds, but nothing can excuse the fact that he just turned 20!

I like him too much to use him as 'rebound', in addition to the fact that it would just be totally wrong. I like him, but is it just because he is 'Rob-lite'? I'm just so ... bored here. Last summer was fantastic, and I just don't really know what to do with my (albeit minimal) free time here, being single. Not that everyone is dating - it was just nicer to be. Nothing has happened yet, but he obviously wants to ask. I'm absolutely going to hell.

speechless

Lost my voice this morning due to extreme stress-induced yelling on the parade square yesterday to get them ready with insufficient time. How do you be an instructor without a voice?

Ishy & Gyshi

One of my friends here named my fish Ishy & Gyshi (orange & white, respectively). They are quite active and curious, swimming around all the time. Hope they can continue to swim with their carefreeness all summer long.

the next one

I got two new goldfishies today, 'cuz I just can't stand looking at the empty bowl as testament to my failure to nurture simple life forms. And, as my sister always says, there is nothing like the next one to get over the last one. Applies equally to fish and men. (Don't worry, I haven't jumped into another relationship, yet). This time, the fish are small, one orange and one white with a red head. Name suggestions?

RIP to our pets

One of my friend's dog died suddenly. =(

As well, the black goldfish I got here at camp also turned belly-up.

Sucky beginning to the week.

tryin' to be a busy bee

Just trying to stay busy. Instructing 4-5 hours a day just doesn't really do it for me. So, as secondary duties, I've taken on/been appointed Assistant Unit Human Rights Advisor, Assistant Parade Coordinator, and National Drill Team Staff. As well, I'm the unofficial Admin Officer of the Instructor's Cell. That should keep me busy enough, so I don't stand in the doorway of the lounge for 10 minutes when I saw that he'd fallen asleep there, then start crying for no particular reason at all.

drama

So, you want drama? I've got drama. This whole thing with Rob has just gotten out of control. We can't talk civilly, or interact in any meaningful manner for that matter, and I have no idea why he is trying so hard to deliberately hurt me. I just know that I have to walk away, but it really doesn't help that, just like last year, I see him once about every 3 hours. It's not a big camp, and it is just insanely hard. Like, you know, when you were in high school, and you keep running into your ex in the hallway? Anyway, enough is enough. I have to believe that I can do better.

Being at camp doesn't spare you from the family drama either. My aunt has just demanded that my mom, sister and I contribute to the living expense of my father. She is not asking for an extraordinary sum, but considering that we are living in my grandma's basement, and my mom just started having some commision-based work... I just don't know. Yes, at some point it is my responsibility to take on the responsibilities of the family. But I also want to take the opportunities in my life without feeling guilty.

But at least, I'm very happy with my job this summer, and my friends here are being really supportive. Hopefully things will work out with my leave, so I can go to Vancouver to see my cousin's Shad grad at UBC.

INSTRUCTOR!

We got our job assignments yesterday, and my heart was going at Mach 3 when they made the assignments. I am going to be an Instructor this year!! If it's not too cocky to say so, being an Instructor on the National Senior Leaders Course is kinda prestigous, and something I've wanted to do for a long time, so I'm thrilled beyond words.

The staff cadets are arriving today and tomorrow, and they will go through one week of indoctrination training before receiving their job assignments. Then the course cadets will arrive, and camp officially start. I have 5 of my course cadets from last year returning as staff, which is fantastic.

Relationship is... unspeakably disasterous... more later.

Convocation

So in the scorching heat, I was in my 1A uniform (long sleeve shirt, tie, wool pants, wool tunic), at the Armour Heights Officers' Mess this morning from 10-12:30, getting graduated. Needless to say, it was a little warm. Quite an experience, listening to speakers tell war stories in which thousands of people die, and that's why we have to continue educating ourselves, lest we fall into the grips of stupidity. I got a red hood with a white border, and really looks pretty good on the blue uniform. Anyway, all done and stuff, so let's just see: M.A., B.Sc. Not bad!

Fly

My flight is at 10am tomorrow. 4 hours to Edmonton, then 3.5 hours to Cold Lake. The question is how long will the wait in between be. Last year it ended up being a 16 hour trip there. Internet access is going to be limited for the week or so, as we set up the camp. Have a fantastic summer!

Falls, Beaches, Downtown

Niagara Falls
On Sunday, I spontaneously decided to drive out to Niagara Falls. It was just one of those get-up-and-go things that I don't do enough of. Anyway, it was really nice to be there. I remember going there on the last day of second year with my mom and grandma, before moving home. Then again in the summer after third year, and staying there for a weekend with two of my friends. Sad to report that the Clifton Hill attraction Alien Encounter is gone though. We went through that scary house like a S.W.A.T. team. Not. We were actually so freaked out that we stopped moving, and the ominious voice of the game operator had to tell us to keep moving, 'cuz we were holding up the group behind us. Heh! Good times. Then I was at the Falls again after fourth year, with a guy I was seeing at the time. Anyway, I went up to the Skylon Tower (which I've never been before) and watched the fireworks from there. It was great. Plus, went into a short film in the 3D/4D Theatre, in which they shake your chair and spray water in your face in accordance with the plot. It was fun for the 20 mins, but I don't think I could had taken much more of that interactivity with the screen.

Beaches
I got my sister out of school for some all-you-can-eat sushi at lunch. Then she decided to ditch school, and we went down to the beaches for some tanning and (mostly) window shopping. Love the feel of sand. The watermelon juice and strawberry ice cream were good too, though not so much the iced cappucino from Timothy's. We watched The Perfect Man in the evening. Fun to play hooky, though I understand that it is a pretty regular thing for my sis! ;)

Downtown
Spent the day meandering downtown with an old friend. You know the kind that you can just pick up a conversation from wherever you left off, be it a day or a year ago? And talk about everything or nothing at all? Yeah, I'm really lucky to have friends like that. She'll be going away (far away) for school, and I won't see her 'til Christmas, but I know we'll just pick up from here then.

Happy 21st Birthday to my baby sis!

slumming in Rexdale

I got into an accident on Thursday - minor, no injury, but because I hit an SUV, the damage is going to be expensive. Anyway, got into a fight with my mom, which was only tangentially related to the car thing, so now I'm spending a couple days with my sister in her room in Rexdale, by Humber College. She is nice to let me stay, but perhaps grown up siblings are just not meant to live together. Anyway, I'll be going home on Wed, 'cuz it's my sister birthday, so probably dinner with my mom. Thursday night I'm getting together with a couple of my mentors at cadets, Friday packing, Saturday Convocation, and Sunday flight to Cold Lake! Got a call from the boy last night - being apart has been hard, even though I only saw him 3 weeks ago. Hope for a great summer.

Old Skool Love

Anyone who I've had a serious conversation about relationships with, no doubt knows that there is just one guy I measure all others against. And often find lacking. The trouble with having too much time on your hands is that you start thinking about nonsense.

So he was having a minor crisis last week. And me, being me, immediately wanted to get him to talk to me about it. Part of me just wants to return the favour, 'cuz nearly every time I have a relationship thing, he is the one I run to. And part of me just want to know that I can still be that person who he'd feel like he can talk to. Anyway, crisis pretty much over, but now I'm left to over-think the whole situation.

Is it a sign of true friendship-after-relationship if you can talk about current relationship issues with them? We were saying how we are going to be bored until camp starts, and I almost (half-jokingly) said, "Maybe we should hook up for two weeks". What the hell is wrong with me? We are BOTH in relationships. We are both in long distance relationships. Anyway, we should still be able to have fun, and spend some time together, right? 'Cuz I know we won't at camp, when our respective significant others are there, and then I'll be gone again, for 3 years. What did we use to do when we were 16, with no money and no car, and no idea that we were in love?

I was sorting out my stuff and found some old floppy disks. For some reason, I had the foresight to save the entirety of our ICQ conversations that we had during my first year at Mac, the year we finally realized that we were in love after 5 years of knowing each other, and 1.5 years of being 'just friends'. And even now, 6 years later, reading that chat log, that relationship seems so much more real than the one I am in now. I love Rob, but that love seems so baseless and shallow compared to a relationship that was built on 5 years of friendship.

Look, I know all this is ridiculous. I just need to find something to occupy myself with, and I'll stop reminiscing about things best left in old shoeboxes, files that should never have been found and read. I have a boyfriend waiting to spend the summer with me.

It's just that this whole year, being back here, has been an endless trip down memory lane. Thoughts and emotions are even stronger now that I am preparing to leave again. Even in the best of relationships, one can wonder what could have been with that one old skool love, right?

... don't want you back,
But I'll never, ever love the same way again...

use at own risk

A friend of mine sent me this, and I'm posting it here in case anyone else is interested. Don't really know how it works though:

http://www.freeiPods.com/?r=19312452

The Keg & A First Farewell

Tonight my cadets had a summer camp meeting, and all promotional candidates were debriefed by the staff. Afterwards, the staff went out to The Keg, and we celebrated the end of another training year. It was really nice, and we were there 'til after midnight. It'll be the last time I see most of the staff before we all leave for the summer, and I might not see many of them before I leave for Windsor after camp, so I might not see them for a while. I just realized this as we were standing around in the parking lot, still chatting, as we got into our cars. I didn't want to make it all emotional and stuff, but still, felt a little wistful about leaving the year behind. For all it's craziness, this squadron holds so much memories for me, and this year added so much more. I'm excited about everything to come, but feeling a twinge of melancholy of leaving 'home' behind again.

more LOTR

I just heard on the radio today that the Kitchener Waterloo Philharmonic Choir is performing the Lord of the Rings Symphony in Roy Thomspon Hall for two performances, this Sunday only. Needless to say, I got tickets. Can't wait!

I really want to hear the Toronto Symphony Orchestra's Star Wars Concert too, but it's after my departure date for Cold Lake. Another time.

musically induced high

My cadets had their Annual Inspection yesterday, and my band was AWESOME! I can hardly express with words how proud I am of them. They were the finale after 4 other displays, and they didn't disappoint. The drummers even threw their sticks at the end of the sequence Drumline style. I didn't authorize that, but it was damn cool. And cocky.

So other training year has ended. I'm a little sad to be leaving this squadron that has and continues to mean so much to me, but hopefully, one day my path will lead me back here.

When the cold of winter comes
Starless night will cover day
In the veiling of the sun
We will walk in bitter rain

But in Dreams
I can hear your name
And in Dreams
We will meet again

When the seas and mountains fall
And we come to end of days
In the dark I hear a call
Calling me there
I will go there
And back again

~ In Dreams
The Fellowship of the Ring

sleepless thoughts

Ever had one of those nights when you are bone tired, but just can't sleep? Of course you have - you are probably having one of those as you read this right now. I have no idea what's going on.

This weekend is going to be busy, with the end-of-the-year cadet Annual Inspection on Sunday. The kids are going to be practicing all weekend for it. And I find it hard to believe, but it just might be possible that I can't sleep because of that. As a cadet, this was always the most important day of the year. Besides worrying about the various displays and shows we put on, our nerves are also shot in anticipation for the awards and promotion portion of the ceremony. Of course, not being a cadet anymore, I am not up for any awards. In fact, I will be presenting a couple of them. But still a childish part of me giggle with excitement. I know my band will put on a great show. I can hardly believe that the training year is over. Where did the days go?

Sleepless nights are a new menace now that the relationship is good again. I can't help pathetically daydreaming about what to name our kids, and other equally ridiculous notions. Obviously I have very definite ideas about where I want this relationship to go, so it is probably unfair to penalize him for not wanting the same things as I do six years down the road. Just live in today, right?

But I can't shake off this feeling that something bad is going to happen, or that it is not going to work out. What is the merit to a relationship with dissimilar goals? Given that no one can say for certain what's going to happen; but still. Even if both parties are working towards something, it might not work out. There is just absolutely no chance in hell of it happening if one of the parties isn't even going for it, right? This has got to be one of the perils of long-distance relationship, especially with a neurotic control freak like me: over-thinking and over-analyzing. I'm just going to sleep, and let tomorrow bring what it may.

Calgary!

Just back got this morning - what a great trip!

Day I - depart from Toronto on a 7am flight, 4 hours to Calgary. Got there, saw him smile, and that was almost enough. =) Slight delay due to stuck conveyor belt (not my luggage's fault!). Checked out the drum studio he teaches at, 17th Avenue, went to his place for lunch. His mom was so nice. Then headed downtown for some walking around, checking out the different venues he gigs at (theatres, concert halls, hotels, pubs), but mostly we were just getting used to how giddily good it is to see each other. Watched him teach a class at St. Francis high school, dinner at The Keg, back to his place and met his dad. Drinks with Marc after.

Day II - tour University of Calgary campus in the morning, lunch at the Grad Club. Calgary Zoo in the afternoon. Back to his place for barbecue dinner with his parents. I was pretty nervous about this part of this trip, but they were totally cool and gracious hosts. Went for a walk around Glenmore Park, which surrounds a reservior. Rented Ray for a quiet evening in.

Day III - Banff. Wow. I haven't seen the mountains since Hong Kong, and they are just gorgeous. There is really no other way to describe them. Well, maybe majestic, too. Snow capped, with a million trees growing straight as asparagus covering them. So wish I'd done my flight training in Alberta. There was a jazz concert in the evening, so we decided to go check it out. It was so appallingly bad that we left at intermission, though we had a great time making fun of it.

Day IV - late start, 'cuz all that mountain hiking is really tiring. Back to the university so he could play some stuff on the marimba for me. Shopping at Kensington Market, nice walk and talk along the Bow River, and a bit of shopping at Eau Claire Market just before they closed. Back to his place for dinner. Then, 1 hour before we had to leave for the airport, he gets a call from Marc, telling us that Nikki (who leave in Victoria, BC) is spontaneously in town! We had a really fast drive to and a quick drink together; it was so good to see her, especially since she won't be at Cold Lake this summer. To the airport, flight at 0050hr (Calgary time). Arrive 0640hr (Toronto time).

June is going to be a long month. I can't really complain though, 'cuz we'll be spending every spare minute of July & August at camp together!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
sorry about the sappiness of this post. But, seeing him, long distance relationship; I think I'm entitled. ;)

Scam Artist

Yup, that's me! Why? 'Cuz I just got the Chair of my department to drop 2 course requirements for me so that I can: a) not pay any more tuition fees, b) go to law school, c) NOT finish the thesis, yet still d) be able to GRADUATE in June! How did I manage to pull off this Mission Impossible, at a military college, no less? What can I say; I'm just that good! ;)

Actually, I just told a particularly convincing sob story (mostly 'cuz it was all true), about not being able to pay for a summer term, leaving for a posting in Alberta in June, and going to law school in the fall. And the associate chair of the dept is a prof I did an independent study course on military leadership with last year, who also wrote my reference letters for Windsor. He petitioned my case to the Dean, and it's all good now. The only thing left to do is to polish up what I've written so far (all 70 pages) into some sort of recognizable paper for a credit, and I'll be all set. Quite a heist, no?

woohoo!!

Got my Cold Lake contract for the summer today! (about time) I will be spending 2 months (26 June - 20 Aug) in the wonderful province of Alberta, staffing the cadet camp I was posted at last summer, and, most importantly, being there with the boy again! ;)

Sunny Day

I am sick of hearing myself complain about my thesis. So, even though there is nothing good to report on that front, I am going to stop taking about it. Period.

Beautiful, gorgeous, wish-I-were-tanning-at-a-beach kinda day. I was sitting in the backyard for about half an hour, trying to get some colour on the pale, hidden-all-winter skin. But then I got bored. Went out for sushi for Mother's Day today. For once my mom didn't yell at me for getting her a present, which was nice. Usually it's the damned if you do, damned if you don't variety with gift-giving and her.

I just finished reading Cause Celeb, the book Helen Fielding wrote before the whole Bridget Jones phenomenon. It was a good, fun read, and makes me want to go work in an NGO in Africa for a while. That's how bored I am with my life. Next on the list is Shake Hands with the Devil.

One of my friends does something she calls Joy Sadhana. It is basically an exercise in self-evaluation, and being grateful. Since I've been kinda stick in a bout of negativity lately, I thought maybe I should try it. Nothing like living in an age of self-help ;) So, here we go:

5 Good Things
It is really suppose to be 5 Good Things Today, but I think that's stretching it a little, so I'm just going to generalize to it my life at this point.

1. Windsor - no matter what, I am going to Law School in the Fall, and that's something I'm really happy about. It's not without baggage, between the emotional from my family, the financial from, well, reality, and the occasitional self-doubt about whether I can really do well there. But still, looking forward to it, especially since it's something I've thought about, on and off, for a very long time now.

2. Cadets - I was talking to my cousin yesterday while we went on a bike ride, just about life and growing up and where he should go to university (he is in grade 11), and he asked me whether I've ever thought about what life would be like if I'd never come to Canada. The first thing that came to my mind was cadets. I don't know what my life would have been like if I'd never become a cadet. The organization is undoubtedly the single most important influence in my life, for the past 10 years now. That is not to say that if I'd never gotten involved, I won't have learned the skills or developed the self-confidence through some other means. I'm just tremendously grateful for what it did do for me. 7 years as a cadet, almost 4 as an officer now, and I am still learning everyday.

3. Family - I know, I know, you must think I am crazy to be thankful for my crazy family. But who knows what I would have been like without them? How much of the good in me is because of them? (and, of course, how much of the bad?) For the most part, I like who I am right now. And they have been there from day one, so at least some credit is due there, right?

4. My brain - heh! I'm not saying I'm especially smart or gifted, but at least my brain is a tool and an asset to my life. I know my thinking is weird at times (okay, a lot of the time), but still I'm happy to be able to think those weird thoughts. I read Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time by Mark Haddon a couple weeks ago. If you haven't come across this book yet, go check it out. It might make you grateful for your brain too. Which means, I guess, I should really be protecting it with a helmet or something when I go biking.

5. You - for reading, for participating and acting as a witness to my life. For tidbits of wisdom and the smiles and encouragement. I'm so glad for what the internet has done for us closet introverts, giving us a forum to express those things we'd never say out loud.

3 Things I Did Well
Again, it is suppose to be specific to 'today', but, in general:

1. This - I'm glad I took the time to take stock of my life. It's not when life is going well that you need faith, right?

2. Teach - whether it's math class or cadets, in the classroom or in the interaction, I feel like I'm contributing to my students' lives. Positively.

3. Calgary - haven't really done this yet, but at least I'm planning to go. I want something, and I'm going to try to get it. For myself. I know that I've not really good at doing things for myself. I mean, I have no trouble shopping, or slacking off, but the last couple months especially, I've had to really challenge myself in considering what matters in my life. I've had to force myself to take ownership more, and shape my life instead of react to things that are happening to me. So, even though some vocal people in my life have expressed their disapproval of this trip, I'm going to go. Sometimes you just have to risk wearing your heart on your sleeve.

Who Am I Kidding?

Okay, I am officially freaking out now. I don't know why this didn't happen earlier, but it is hitting me full force now. I have been sitting in front of my laptop for 3 hours, and gotten absolutely nothing done. Never mind not writing anything new - I haven't even gotten around to opening the word document. I am just so ... scared to go through this crap again. Because, I guess, I didn't think it was bad the first time I wrote it, and now I have to accept that it all merits a rewrite. I don't know how to do it any differently from this! I have never really revised anything before. Write the paper, hand it in. I am seriously having a crisis of confidence now. Does this mean that all the other papers I have written in the past 5 years all should have been rewritten too? I mean, obviously I am not going to do that, but it says a lot about the quality of my writing, no? And writing is all I know how to do! I have never considered myself a writer, but a grad student who can't write competently - what good is that? The ability to express your idea clearly through the written word is the only thing that can justify how I've been spending the past 6 years. Otherwise I might has well have gotten married and have babies and raise a family or whatever. How the hell am I going to get through law school if I can't even do something I've been working on all year well?

A part of me just want to give up this degree. I am serious. I really don't care anymore. Except then how can I justify the hell that was last year? What do I tell myself all those other papers I've agonized over are for? I remember a term from first year economics: sunk loss. Bascially, don't throw good money after bad. So regardless of last year, I should just stop investing in this degree I cared nothing for in the first place. I just want to go away and start doing something new. Anything but write another word on prisoners of war. I don't have a single original idea left.

Rewriting

I drove to Kingston yesterday, and met with my supervisor for two hours. The upshot is that I am going to have to rewrite (well, at least restructure) my entire thesis. So, that's what I'll be doing the next two months. Oddly, I am feeling calm about it. I don't know if it is just that it hasn't hit me yet, or I am just so disheartened by the whole thing that this total do-over doesn't even bother me all that much.

I booked tickets to Calgary for mid-month though, so at least there is something in my life to look forward to.

Writing Week

The thesis has to get done this week, so, nothing else matters. Just write, write, write.

One More Thing

I just need one more thing to fall into place before I can mail off my acceptance, make a sheepish phone call to Human Resources at National Defence, and seal my fate for the next 3 years.

So since Thursday when I got my acceptance, things have been pretty crazy. My friends have been tremendously supportive, and my family disasterously destructive. Well, part of my family (ie. mom, dad, & sis) have been, at less at some point, depressing. My uncles have been oddly elated, with generous offers of help. And the boy gave me a talk bordering on sermon of the southern Baptist fervor about doing what's best for me, what I want. Very passionate. Very cute.

I can appreciate that my dad wants me to work, 'cuz no one in my nuclear family has real work right now, or any other means to support the family in the near future. But to phrase it as "You shouldn't go 'cuz you have no connections in society to become a successful lawyer" is not a good way to put the issue to me, especially coupled with "when did you even think about law school" and not even a congratulations, just shock and dismay at my petulance.

Mom cried, 'cuz what else do mothers do? Not from joy, but from the crippling insecurity of not being able to financially support me through this, and for wishing that I would take the job so she can move out of my grandmother's house with me. Then she tells me how good a man my father is, and that he wouldn't say all those things if he had the means to support me, etc. Not what I want to hear either.

My sister, we had a talk, and I asked her what kind of person does she think I am. Her highestly praise is that I am 'quiet', and 'has integrity because I only ever order McChicken Combo'. But at least she listens, and sort of understands, even though she thinks me taking French would make me an Asian 'triple threat', and therefore I should take the job and do the language training. Sometimes, I... just don't know about her.

My uncles (the two who have gone to university), are totally for me going, and even offered to loan me the money, which is really generous (and unexpected) of them. They say that the decision (job or law school) is a no-brainer, and I should take this opportunity and run with it.

So it came down to me, and who do I think I am? That's actually a lot harder question to answer than I thought it would be. Do I make a responsible choice and be a grown up, take the job and support my family? Or do I slug it out for another 3 years in hopes of a better future than anyone has ever imagined for me, including myself? Do I choose the one bird in my hand, or the possibility of a flock in the sky/bush/wherever else I've butchered this analogy to? I have three quotes on post-it notes stuck on my corkboard, and they read:

"The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly. 'Tis dearness only that gives everything its value" ~Thomas Paine, as quoted in The West Wing

"The qualities of courage and vision are the touchstones of leadership" ~paraphased from Henry Kissinger

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. For when I am weak, then I am strong" ~II Corinthians 12:9-10

So, who am I?

If I can get even a verbal confirmation of my summer posting to Cold Lake tomorrow, I can take care of the details. 'Cuz really, why did I ever doubt who I am, when it's clear from the start?

Windsor Law

no kidding =)

Thesising, thesising

April. APRIL?! This was the sort of panic that runs through my mind everyday. It's moving along, even at a semi-brisk pace, but I have no idea whether it will actually get done. I mean, I know it will, but I don't know if the self-confidence is delusional or actually warranted. So looking forward to being done.

The Band
We competed on Sunday, and they did very well. I guess it would be accurate to say that they performed 'as expected', but I expected quite a bit, so it was impressive. The judges even clapped after the soloists performed, even though it wasn't the end of the sequence yet, so that was nice. I guess we'll hear the results in a couple days, but that matters... less than I thought it would. I'm just really proud of them. Next project: prepping for Debating Tournament next month.

The Boy
It's like a chronic illness with him - there are some good days, some bad ones. Then there are the great days, and today was one of them. I guess it's only fair that the person who can bring to you the highest high is also the one who can take you to the lowest low. The mantra to surviving this kind of dramatic relationship: expect nothing, so you can be pleasantly surprised. Twisted, I know. Coping mechanism, nonetheless.

Hart House Jazz Choir

Wouldn't it be fantastic to be born with a perfectly pitched instrument? I went to my friend's jazz choir concert tonight, and was just completely blown away by what these talented vocalists can do with their voices. I was especially impressed with the director's farewell improvisition piece. I have just never seen improv done acapella before. Very cool.

My sister says that my true calling could be singing... but only if I got a new larynx.

At least I've got my band. We are competing on Sunday, and tonight was the last rehearsal. They look great.

Sunny Days of Writing and Rewriting

Newt Update
The day after my last post, my sister and I brought the poor handicapped newt back to the pet store. They have a two weeks guarantee, and my sister thought it was just a better idea to get a healthy one. I was under the impression that they will flush the poor thing (yet it didn't stop me from bring it back - what kinda person am I?!), but they actually kept it in a separate plastic cup to recuperate. My sister picked a skinny, feisty one. You are can see Tangerine here.

sometimes...
good news pops up at the most unexpected times. I got an update on my transcript in the mail today. Remember that Hostage Negotiation paper I was writing for, like, half a year? I finished it back in October, and my prof has finally decided to give me a mark for it. Or, the registrar just got the mark (the efficiency of RMC adminstrations knows no bounds). When I first submitted it, he said that he was going to send me some comments for revision, but none came. So anyway, he apparently decided to give me an A, and a full credit instead of a half credit. I don't know if it's just a mistake or whatever, but - heh!

Thesis
chugging along, chugging along. The library is my friend. Cellmate, anyway.

Letters
So far, Queen's and Western don't want me. I know that it shouldn't matter, 'cuz I've already taken the DND job, and it really doesn't matter one way or another. But still, I really thought I had a good chance...

Trouble, Trouble

Newt News

Eeek! One of my newts is missing his right hand! It is just a stump now. I read some of the dubious internet sources of newt care, and have arrived at four possible explanations:
1. The other newt attacked him (they tend to stay away from each other)
2. He ate his own hand (possible, because the species may resort to cannabalism if they don't like what they are being fed)
3. His hand got stuck in the crevices of some larger pieces of gravel, and... got ripped off (!)
4. Infection

I am sticking with the last explanation, and have separated the two into different tanks. Hopefully that will stop the loosing of limbs and digits. On the positive side though, newts can regenerate - so the hand may come back later!

Car
My car window got smashed in the parking lot last night while I was in a band rehearsal. They even left the rock they used in the car. The only thing they took was my sister's purse (no wallet inside, luckily). My sister is obviously unimpressed, and she really took it out on the cop taking the report. Don't worry, no harm done, except, of course, the glass.

Boy
How many chances do you give someone to break your heart? I remember a quote I read being forwarded around a while ago: "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't make that they don't love you with everything they've got" So, okay.

Last Day
Wednesday was my last day at Chapters, and they brought me a key lime mousse cake! I am really going to miss everyone (well, almost everyone) there. It's been so much fun working there. Now it's just me and the thesis 'til the bitter, bitter end.

Happy Easter!

A Slew of Fun

Sebum & Bbm
I came back from our cadet weekend in Borden frozen but content with the progress my band is making towards prepping for competition 3 weeks away, and was given a most splendiferous surprise by my sister. She, in her infinite wisdom and cheek, had bought me a fire belly newt to celebrate my new job. It is really the cutest little thing, about the size of my baby finger. I don't have a webcam to show you a picture, but I'll try to get one. Anything, this thing just has an orange belly, and a dark green body. It is hilarious. And it's got tiny, tiny fingers/toes. We named this one Sebum, 'cuz that's what my sister things Smeagol is called.

But of course, I couldn't leave well enough alone. So that very same thing, I went out to get another newt, 'cuz I was afraid that Sebum would be lonely. Luckily there is a new Chinese aquarium open 'til 9pm on a Sunday, and we picked out another one. This second one has a longer tail, is skinny, and less social in general. And this one, we named Bbm, which is what one waitress at a Vietnamese restaurant muttered as she walked past my sister and I. I have no idea what it means, but it's just become the funniest inside joke between my sister and I. I just got some red gravel for them today, and I build them stuff out of lego to play it. It's keeping me entertain; I hope they are at least mildly amused, staying in one of my model car display cases.

March Break @ Chapters
We run 45 mins programs for these adorable kids everyday this and next week, and so far, I have discovered that if the DND thing doesn't work out, I can always so work as a face-painting circus clown. I draw a mean dinosaur. Today, I also taught 25 kindergarteners how to make a Sponge Bob Square Pants out of pipe cleaners and... a sponge! ;)

To Take Your Mind Off Things That Should Matter More

just 'cuz Nikki has the best games ;)

1. WHAT IS YOUR NAME? Michelle Sze Wan Kai
2. WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? Medium Grey
3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Chinese artist Jackie Cheung. Sometimes I get nostalgic for my childhood rock stars
4. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? marshmallow with... stuffing? strawberry jam stuff inside
5. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? absolutely
6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? white, the one that you don't use, unless it's to make other colour lighter or fuzzier or try to cover up a mistake
7.HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW? no idea - I'm in the basement
8. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? my CO
9. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU THIS EMAIL? Nikki is one of the funnest person ever. Plus, she is highly competently. Rare combination
10. FAVORITE DRINK? Cream Soda
11. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Strawberry Daiquiri (yeah, I know, girly)
12. FAVORITE SPORT? watching: figure skating; playing: anything individual, not really a team player
13. HAIR COLOR? my black roots are slowly overtaking the brown highlights, but I don't feel like dying it again.
14. EYE COLOR? light brown
15. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? yes
16. # OF SIBLINGS? 1 sister, and she is more than enough
17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MONTH? December. I'm a total sucker for Christmas, and there is the anticipation of a new start with the year/my birthday
18. FAVORITE FOOD? salmon, smoked or sushied
19. THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? 'Bride and Prejudice' in the theatres with my sister
20. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? Dec 24, Jan 23, July 25
21. WHAT DO YOU DO TO VENT YOUR ANGER ON? my keyboard, mostly
22. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? I'm not sure
23. SUMMER OR WINTER? winter
24. HUGS OR KISSES? kisses
25. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? both
26. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO MAIL YOU BACK? only if they have as much fun doing these as I do
27. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? no idea
28. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? my sister, 'cuz her boyfriend is coming home today
29. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? oh... really that not long ago
30. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? drum sticks & practice pad, small tripod-like lawn chair, foam bat and ball for this summer, a bunch of LSAT stuff, another bunch of work stuff
31. WHO IS THE FRIEND YOU HAVE HAD THE LONGEST? Charing. We met in grade 1 and still exchange Christmas cards every year
32. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? despair
33. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL? freshly mowed lawns, baked stuff, jasmine
34. BUTTERED OR SALTED POPCORN? I only eat sweet popcorn, like you get from Kernels: double, double buttered
35. FAVORITE CAR? beetle, mazda protege
36.FAVORITE FLOWER? white rose
37. NUMBER OF KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING? 3?
38. CAN YOU JUGGLE? I've tried, but never quite managed
39. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK? Tuesday
40. WHAT DID YOU DO ON YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY? went out to lunch with a couple friends
41. DO YOU OWN A DONOR CARD? yes, and it's signed
42. WHAT TIME IS IT? 4:03pm
43. BOXERS OR BRIEFS? briefs
44. COFFEE OR TEA? peppermint/chamomile/apple/bubble tea
45. FAVORITE MOVIE? Shakespeare in Love, LOTR: The Two Towers, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
46. HOW MANY PAIRS OF SOCKS DO YOU HAVE? no idea, but some should probably be retired
47. DO YOU TAKE HOT OR COLD SHOWERS? hot
48. DO YOU WORK HARD OR HARDLY WORK? hardly work, which is very, very bad, considering how close my thesis deadline is
49. WHICH PERSON HAVE YOU THOUGHT OF MOST IN THE PAST 24 HOURS? him, sadly
50. WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY? Jan 4, 1982
51. HOW OLD ARE YOU? 23
52. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON THAT YOU TALKED TO (NOT ON THE PHONE OR EMAIL)? my uncle
53. WHAT DID THEY SAY? hello
54. HOW LONG AGO DID YOU TAKE A SHOWER? last night after band practice, around 10:30pm
55. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE TOLD TO CLEAN YOUR ROOM? never. I'm a neat freak
56. WHAT IS IN YOUR CLOSET? don't have one at the moment
57. DO YOU HAVE BRACES? had them for 3 years. I use to get these crazy colours for the little elastics, like orange and black for Oct, etc. yeah, but you already knew I am a geek
58. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU READ A BOOK? "Shadow of the Giant" by Orson Scott Card, last book in the series, on Wed. I've been waiting a long time for it, and read it in one, LONG, sitting
59. WHAT WAS THE LAST DREAM YOU HAD ABOUT? I don't remember, but I think it was nice
60. DO YOU HAVE A "BIG SECRET"? other than being a guest at my parents' wedding? no, not really
61. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU TOLD IT TO? now you all know
62. ARE YOU IN LOVE? yes, though no one, including myself, thinks it is good for me
63. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE CHANGED YOUR LIFE? lots, but most significantly, mom, dad, sister, LP(more than he'll ever know), KE(just by being a rational voice), TE(for listening always), JW(for a very long time now), CR(watched me grow up), JA(though we don't talk much anymore), KL(if he only knew)... and the boy, who seems hellbent on wrecking it too
64. HOW MANY PEOPLES LIVES HAVE YOU CHANGED? everyone I meet, I hope

Decision Made & Boy

I'm taking the National Defence position. THANK YOU for everyone who took the time to give me their thoughts and opinions. Every random detail you provided went into my decision making process. I'm really excited about the work now, even though it is going to be a year before I actually do any DND stuff (first year is second language training). It feels good to have some general idea of where I'm going in life.

the boy
Why do I just let him break my heart, repeatedly?

!

I have 48 hours to make a decisions. I've been offered two positons with the federal management training program: one with National Defense, and the other in Human Resources of Transport Canada. Any thoughts?

He is Here & To There and Back Again

So, in the interest of chronology:

To There and Back Again
Okay, okay, Toronto-Ottawa is no hobbit journey, but it was fun and exciting nonetheless. First of all, getting flown to an interview and having a hotel room paid for is just far too exciting for my student brain. Met lots of people across the country at the Job Fair, though I felt very much like a baby, since people with no full time experience were in the minority there. Still, they are mostly not significantly older, so it was fun. Five out of the six interviews for me went well, I thought. Results next week. With the offers, we have 48 hours to reply. So there is a good chance that I will be deciding the next five years of my life in the next five days, especially since I still have no news from schools. My mom thinks it's better that I work, since one of her friends told her that people who keep studying become autistic. Yeah, don't ask.

Him
And by him, I mean the infamous summer-boy. He texted me today, saying that he is in Toronto. Not for me; his school orchestra is touring here for six days. We texted back and forth for a while, talked twice on the phone for about 2 hours, and... yeah. We are going to try to meet up tomorrow. I know I'm so setting myself up for disaster, but I can't help it. It's like the past 6 months didn't happen. I had no idea how much I missed him until I heard his voice tonight. How can this possibly end well?

The drama of my life.

holding pattern

Can't sleep, even though I have to work 6 hours from now. What's wrong? Not sure. A couple things going on.

1. The holding pattern of my life. Waiting for mail that never comes, freaking out around 1pm every day. Not able to do anything constructive until it arrives everyday, but still no news, good or otherwise.

2. Not quite as nonchalant about my trip to Ottawa for the job this Sunday, because of no news as a fall back plan yet. So it's a bit of do (as in 'impress the interviewers) or die (bum around for the rest of my life).

3. My sister is moving out on Sat, to a rented room across town to start her graphics design program at Humber next week. Living with a thousand nosy relatives is bad enough. Without her here, it's going to be unbearable.

4. My mom and sis had YET ANOTHER FIGHT tonight about her going to school. I try not to get involved, but it is so draining.

5. Got a couple text messages from the boy from the summer. Finally caved and wrote back. Still miss him. A lot.
------------------------------------------------------------
But at least:

-1. My band sounded good tonight.

-2. After tomorrow, taking lots of time off work in March to get this thesis off the ground.

-3. I'm feeling a little sleepier now.

am I a b*tch?

So I have this friend that I've known for 10 years. And every time we've made plans to go out and do something (movie, dinner, etc), she has always been at least half an hour late. I kid you not - I've waited 2 hours for her before.

Today, we were going to meet at 1pm for lunch. We haven't seen each other for a couple months, and she called me to make plans, and I was more than happy to see her. She called last night to confirm, and this morning again, and I stressed that I was really hungry, so let's eat first, etc. Okay, so I waited at the restaurant. Being me, I try to be 5 minutes early. (It doesn't always work out, but I try, okay?) FORTY-FIVE minutes later, after repeated phone calls by me that went unanswered, she was still not there, and I left. I mean, usually, I would wait. But I was really, really hungry, and annoyed. I mean, I know that in a way, I 'allow' her to be late all the time by putting up with it, but I'm just tired of it. So she called me at 1:50pm and said that she in on the RT now (15 mins Rapid Transit across Scarborough, for non-Torontonians). But I'd already called my sister to pick me up, and so I told her that, and, you know, that I'm sorry we couldn't meet up today. I think she was a little shocked at my behaviour. I was too. I mean, I know she is taking the subway, etc. I guess I just didn't want to wait anymore. Does that make me a bad friend? I don't know if I made a bad decision. I was planning to spend the whole day with her anyway. Was it petty and vengeful? I don't know.

Grad School

After spending all day at Robarts and Bora Laskin Libraries downtown, I can't agree with this more.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
>The Top 10 Subtle Differences Between Grad School and Hell
>
>10. It doesn't rain in Hell.
>
>9. Everyone has heard of Hell.
>
>8. It's a lot more fun getting into Hell.
>
>7. You can't flunk out of Hell.
>
>6. At least you can sleep in Hell.
>
>5. Hell really is forever; grad school just seems like it.
>
>4. People smile in Hell.
>
>3. You only have to sell your soul to go to Hell.
>
>2. You know why you're in Hell. (And so do other people.)
>
>AND THE NUMBER ONE SUBTLE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GRAD SCHOOL AND HELL IS!....(drum roll please....)
>
>1. You would never tell a friend to go to grad school!

hey Mr. Postman

I know everyone has been through this: waiting for that elusive piece of mail that seems content to take its sweet time travelling. I just wish that Mr. Postman would bring me some good news soon. I know intellectually that he is 'just the messenger', and the decision is with the schools, but still, he is the one I can see coming by at 1pm everyday. Think I can bribe him with something? A new courier bag, perhaps? COME ON! I don't want to wait anymore.

bump

Today wasn't going to be great anyway. The first thing on my agenda is a funeral for a veteran would worked with the Air Cadets since I was one myself. He passed away in Scotland on Christmas Day, and the service was held today. Many, many people flew in, and the church was filled.

However, getting there was a bit of an adventure. First, the urban designer who named Brock St. and Brock Road 6km away should seriously have his lunch stolen during recess. (note: I wasn't driving). So the detour in Pickering en route to Whitby would not be so bad, except while pulling out of a left turn lane at the lights (I know you are not suppose to do that either), the car behind smashed into the passenger side. It wasn't serious, no one got hurt, and it really happened too fast for me to be surprised or scared (I was in the passenger side). We got to the funeral 35 mins late. (sigh)

Mr. Dan Dillon, rest in peace.

Chateau Cartier

Have you ever been there? The one in Alymer, Quebec? Me neither. But I'm going, on Feb 27 - March 2. On a whim, I decided to check my email getting home from going out with the staff after cadets, around 1:00am. And I got an email inviting me to the Matching Process at Chateau Cartier for the final phase of the Management Trainee Program selection, where I and 50 other candidates get interviewed by the hiring agencies. We are competing for about 30 spots, and, to help you put it in perspective, there were around 2000 applications. So I'm actually a little surprised to get this far, especially since I didn't think I did particularly well on the second assessment phase. Anyway, it is highly exciting. Too bad it's too late to jump and dance around. I'll do it first thing in the morning. ;)

Graduating Student Mess Dinner

If judging by the amount of work I have accomplished on my thesis, I can hardly say that I am/should be graduating this year. But on paper, I am suppose to. Well, I can, anyway. I think they give you up to five years to do a Masters degree. So on Thursday I made the 2 hour drive to Kingston to attend the Mess Dinner. There were about 70 people, a few of whom I kinda knew, but it was fun none the less. The food was fantastic, of course (well, come on, $50? It'd better be!). It was held in the Senior's Staff Mess, so needless to say, we were treated like royalty. I didn't have the proper mess kit, so I went in a gown. I haven't anything like it since the Rez Formal I organized in third year. Anyway, we had salad and soup and potato; plus chicken with unidentifiable yet scrumptious stuffing and little ball of potatoes. The grand finale though, was the chocolate mousse cake, which had the outline of a fork stenciled with chocolate powder on the side (you get what I mean, right?). The speech was mercifully short. The only variation beside uniform colour was the slade of brown hair, and tone of fair skin. All the young guys are engineers who got married after undergrad, on their way to 3.4 kids, and all the old guys are talking about 'the wife' and the growing up 5.2 kids + grandkids. I mean, they are not chauvinistic or anything. It is just that the military tend to attract a certain, pretty narrrowly defined type. Being back in Toronto this year, it is somewhat jarring to go to Kingston and actually be a visible minority. Anyway, they played all the marches of the regiments that were represented there, and I was the only one to stand for the Cadet Instructors Cadre, which was kinda cool. I could just see the other officers politely trying to suppress an incredulous smirk at our little circus ditty though. Heh!

I stayed over at my friend's house, and went to see my thesis advisor the next morning. I feel so unproductive and left out, seeing all the stuff that I am missing on campus. I so miss school. Also, I can't help but feel bad 'cuz I am getting no work to my prof. It's all up in my head - it just won't make its way down on paper. And it doesn't help that my notebook is still in repair, week trois now.

I filled out my bursary application today, and since it's online, it assigned me a student number and the program name shows up on it, even though I haven't been offered admission yet. But it just looked so good beside my name. If only wishing made it so.

Jan 23

Do you have a day that you keep remembering, no matter how much time has passed? You can recall that day with crystal clarity, and it means no less to you now, as it did then? A memory that will forever live in a rosy glass ornament on the happy tree? Jan 23rd is that day for me. Although I do feel a little silly for smiling everytime I recall it, 'cuz I'm sure that it doesn't mean anything special to him anymore. I think if I brought it up, he'd smile, but it won't be something he would remember spontaneously or independently without prompting. So I feel sorta like a hopeless romantic or a daydreaming schoolgirl for putting a smiley face on that day in my agenda.

But it makes me smile.

Hard to forget the day that resolved a big fight with your first love, even though he was just your best friend at the time. Hard to forget when he named his first music composition after it, and gave you the original score.

slacker blogger

I know it is not a requirement, and certainly not an obligation, but I like to use the frequency of my blogging as an indication of how 'together' I've got my life. And recently, it seems like I have all over the place. Of course, it's okay, I'm not freaking out about it or anything. It'd just be nice to be more disciplined about things, even things we do for pleasure.

My cousin, perhaps forgetting the fact that I work at a bookstore, brought me a Mitch Albom's "Five People You Meet in Heaven" for Christmas. I'd just finished reading Albom's "Tuesdays with Morrie" at work (during breaks, I was not slacking), so I was eager to read this one too. It is rare that I finish a book in one sitting, but "Heaven" is such a book. I wonder who would be my 'five people'.

In Good Company
Not as good as I had hoped. It was okay though, I guess. Umm, Topher Grace is cute (yeah, very extensive review, I know)

Golden Globes
I *love* award shows. Sadly though, 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' didn't win. Does this mean now I have to go check out 'Sideways'?

slushy, unseasonable warmth

It's been a strange couple of days. I think I should really quit my job and get serious with the thesis, but I also need the money to, well, live. I guess I'll wait 'til February. By then, if I'm still not getting anything done, then I'll have to make a decision.

My band started playing their competition music today, and miraculously, they sounded really, really good tonight. We are playing music from the Lord of the Rings. I am so excited about writing the freestyle sequence.

Had my second interview for the government job today. It was hard, but I think it went alright. Still, 2000 applications, 130 interviewed, for 32 positions? I think I have a better chance of getting into law school. Might be hearing from those soon too. Okay, I guess I'll just hold my breath for the next two months.

me Day!

I'm 23 today!

Give Generously

The Canadian Government will match your donations made before Jan 11th. Please give generously: CanadianRedCross

A Bright Beginning

I have always wanted to ring in the New Year at Nathan Philips' Square, and last night I actually got to do it. It was fantastic! Beautiful lights, friendly/happy people, and (most importantly), someone to kiss as you do the 'five, four, THREE, TWO, ONE!!"

Meeting the family was always going to be a crazy thing, and to put your significant other through that barely one week into the relationship is unthinkable. On the one hand I want my insane family to meet him so they can be happy for me, but on the other, I know that it was going to be quite an ordeal. Due to lack on planning on my part, the whole meet-the-family thing spontaneously imploded upon my date tonight. But it was okay. I just want to thank him for taking it so well. Dealing with my family is something I would never inflict upon another person if it can be helped at all.

All in all, an optimistic start for 2005!